Catch-All Provision

& filed under .

 

(1).  A vague term at the end of a contract that seems to obligate everybody to virtually everything they can think of.

 

“Yeah, so … blah, blah, blah … acts of God … blah, blah, blah … full indemnity … catch-all provision at the end … here’s a pen.”

 

+1
0
  

Kissing Frogs

& filed under .

 

(1).  Taking on a bunch of crummy accounts in hopes that one or two of them will turn into a good account.  Some do, most don’t.

 

“Look, sometimes you just have to keep kissing frogs until one of them turns into a prince!  One of these companies is bound to go public someday!  And when it does, we’ll be ready!”

 

+1
0
  

Break-Glass Solution

& filed under .

 

(1).  An emergency, last resort move that no one wants to do, but everyone would do if the alternative is fulfilling French fry orders.

 

“Yeah, so, it looks like the roll out of the new system didn’t work and none of our fixes … umm … fixed it.  I suppose we could turn it off and then back on again.  It’s kind of a break-glass solution, but it might work.”

 

+1
0
  

Mass Affluent

& filed under .

 

(1).  A nice way of describing clients who’re not that rich.

 

“Look, Jim … we’re not really targeting the mass affluent here.  We’d much rather compete with everyone else for the same 400 or so ultra-high-net-worth clients … hopefully score one or two and then retire before they inevitably get bored with us and move on.”

 

+1
0
  

Baseline Suitability Obligation

& filed under .

 

(1).  The absolute minimum you need to do to not get in trouble with the Feds.

 

“This sounds like it’s going to cost a lot of money to get this done.  What’s our baseline suitability obligation here?  Do we really need to have a system that works THAT good?”

 

+1
0
  

Kissing Frogs

& filed under .

 

(1).  To take in a bunch of crummy accounts, hoping one of them will eventually turn into a good account.

 

“No, no … we’re definitely going to have to kiss some frogs along the way, but if just one or two of them convert … now, that’s a good business!”

 

+1
0
  

Ownership

& filed under .

 

(1).  Something everyone expects and no one takes.

 

“Hey Steve … thanks for taking ownership of this project.  Now, if you wouldn’t mind doing a little work on it as well, that would be great.”

 

+1
0
  

Itchy Feet

& filed under .

 

(1).  What you get when you finally realize it’s time to leave that dead-end job of yours.

 

“Yeah, so I’m thinking about throwing some irons in the fire, you know?  After last comp day, I’m starting to get some itchy feet!”

 

+1
0
  

Mental Detective Work

& filed under .

 

(1).  Something your boss doesn’t want to have to do … ever.  So, keep it simple, stupid.

 

“Look, Jim … sounds like a great idea, but you really need to flesh out these requirements a bit more before we can propose this as a new project.  We can’t have our development team doing a lot of mental detective work to try to figure out what you’re driving at.”

 

+1
0
  

Hand-To-Hand Combat

& filed under .

 

(1).  When you sit down with a stockbroker to see if you can glom onto his book of business (or … ahem! … “look for potential synergies“).

 

“So, I went through a little hand-to-hand combat with Ken and I think we were able to identify a couple of accounts where we could be helpful.  He wants us to do it at no charge, of course, which may be a bit of a challenge.”

 

+1
0
  

Roundtable

& filed under .

 

(1).  Some sort of account meeting.  95% of the time involves a table that isn’t round.

 

“So, I had a roundtable with the guys in Accounting yesterday.  It was weird … they all kept saying ‘Ni!’.”

 

Props to Michael for the submission.

 

+1
0
  

Huddle Meeting

& filed under .

 

(1).  Yet another term for a team meeting, named as such to make it sound more cuddly and team building.  Really just another opportunity to throw stats and numbers at you.

 

“Hey guys, so we’ve got our huddle meeting in a few minutes, but wanted to give you all a preview of what we’ll be discussing.  Basically, we want revenue to go up and expenses to go down.  Hope that’ll help you frame your questions.”

 

Props to Michael for the submission.

 

+1
0
  

Re-Stack

& filed under .

 

(1).  When your company moves everyone’s desks around for no apparent reason.  Result: high cost, low anything else.

 

“Okay, team.  Everyone needs to get ready for the re-stack this weekend.  So, before you go home today, you’re going to need to pack up all your stuff and carry it to your new desks on the 15th floor.  The company will take care of everything else.”

 

+1
0
  

Profit Center

& filed under .

 

(1).  That department where the people who make all the money work.  Click here for your department.

 

“So, are we a profit center or not?  The last five accounts you guys brought in were priced so low, we’re basically paying them!  No, go out there and get some clients who pay us!”

 

+1
0
  

Diplomatically-Challenged Conversation

& filed under .

 

(1).  An awkward, and ultimately heated, exchange where someone inevitably says something wildly inappropriate, often ending the conversation with a call to HR.

 

“Yeah, so … let’s just say it was a diplomatically-challenged conversation from start to finish.  I don’t think Mike is going to be going on any more client calls anytime soon.”

 

+1
0
  

Cultural Intelligence

& filed under .

 

(1).  The P.C. way to say “don’t giggle at your IT guy’s funny accent”.

 

“Guys, we really need to work on your cultural intelligence here.  You just can’t go around calling our helpdesk ‘Bollywood‘.”

 

+1
0
  

Success Criteria

& filed under .

 

(1).  The list of things you need to do before you can start those high fives.

 

“Okay, team … so, I’ve circulated a matrix of our success criteria for this project.  Our timeline is three weeks, so no going home for you guys!  Well … good night everyone.”

 

+1
0
  

Apples and Oranges

& filed under .

 

(1).  Two things that can’t be compared … like Anchorman and the lowly Anchorman II.

 

“It’s apples and oranges.  We build gizmos, they build doohickies.  Totally different businesses.”

 

+1
0
  

Heavy Lift

& filed under .

 

(1).  Something “the business” needs that’s going to be difficult (read: expensive) to code.

 

“Yeah, we may need to include that requirement in a later release.  It’s a bit of a heavy lift for the team and might impact the project timeline.”

 

+1
0
  

Next Steps

& filed under .

 

(1).  Something you pledge to work on, something you will (probably) work on, and something you have no idea how to work on.  Good way to get off the phone, though.

 

“Okay, well, thanks everyone for joining the call today.  I’ll take what we discussed away and come back with next steps.”

 

+1
0
  

Memorialize

& filed under .

 

(1).  To send the guy you just spoke with an outline of the conversation you just had to make sure he doesn’t somehow forget what you just agreed to.

 

“Yeah, so I’m just going to memorialize this conversation in an email.  You know, just so we’re all on the same page about next steps.”

 

+1
0
  

Keep in the Loop

& filed under .

 

(1). To make sure you have sufficient air cover for whatever you’re working on by cc-ing everyone you can think of on your emails.

 

“Well, I’ve been keeping Jim in the loop on this the whole time, so he’s definitely aware of what’s going on.  Definitely.”

 

+1
0
  

Warm Body

& filed under .

 

(1).  An open position you need to fill so badly, it doesn’t really matter who you get as long as you get them in soon.

 

“Look, with Aaron and Frank both quitting three weeks apart, we need to get a warm body in here to start punching keys ASAP.”

 

+1
0
  

Off The Reservation

& filed under .

 

(1).  To have drifted (maybe significantly) from what your colleagues may consider “normal behavior”.

 

“Yeah, so I think Patty may have gone off the reservation a bit on this one.  She’s been telling everyone we can get it done in two weeks.  Since I’m not exactly sure we can get it done at all, I’m a little concerned about her timeline.”

 

+1
0
  

Pod

& filed under .

 

(1).  A giant picnic table in the hallway with computer screens where about fifteen people get to enjoy listening to every, stinking word the guys on either side of him are saying all day long.

 

“So, this is the pod where your screen will be.  Oh, and this is Joe, Mike, Kimmie, Sarah and George.  One word of advice – I wouldn’t go talking to your doctor or girlfriend or anything here.  George is a serial tweeter.  Welcome aboard!”

 

+2
0
  

Differentiating Factor

& filed under .

 

(1).  That little something that makes you marginally better than those guys in the hallway waiting to be interviewed after you.

 

(2).  That little something that makes your firm marginally better than your competitors (each of which is probably being interviewed right after you).

 

“Well, I think our differentiating factor has to be our sharp suits.  I mean, everyone basically does the same thing, right?  We simply just look better doing it.”

 

+1
0
  

In The Kill Zone

& filed under .

 

(1).  An unnecessarily aggressive way to tell your client your market projections were on target.

 

“So, if you flip to page two, you’ll see that our numbers were in the kill zone for 2014.  BOO YEAH!”

 

+1
0
  

Responsibility Grid

& filed under .

 

(1).  A project manager’s list of stuff he’s delegating and the poor saps he’s delegating it to.  Somehow, he doesn’t ever seem to do anything … ?

 

“Okay, guys … so, I worked up a responsibility grid (thanks, Dave, for putting that together!) … Cheryl, you’ll be in charge of T & Es … Henry, you take committee meeting minutes … Frank, you’ll be dealing with the scanning remediation … and, Jim, you’ve got coffee orders.  Thanks, everyone!”

 

+1
0
  

The Day After Thanksgiving

& filed under .

 

(1).  Also referred to as “Leftover Day” and/or “Hangover Day”, the national holiday commemorating the day the Pilgrims woke up at two in the afternoon (a) under a picnic table, or (b) next to some Native American chick they didn’t even remember talking to last night.

 

Americans today celebrate by (a) showing up late for work, (b) not showing up for work at all, or (c) running out of an 8 a.m. meeting to throw up.

 

Happy Turkey Day, everyone!

 

+1
0
  

Disruptor

& filed under .

 

(1).  That underselling new competitor that’s going to run your little mom-and-pop operation right out of business.

 

“Let’s be a disruptor in the sector, that’s where we want to be.”

 

Props to R. James for the submission.

 

+1
0
  

Negative Consent

& filed under .

 

(1).  When you tell your client (usually in an innocuous letter they’re not going to read) you’re going to do something unless they tell you not to.  Why, you sneaky, little ….

 

“Yeah, go ahead and sell.  We gave them a chance to object already.  That’s negative consent, in my book.  Fire away.”

 

+1
0
  

PPM

& filed under .

 

(1).  “Policies and Procedures Manual”; or in other words, an endless document no one reads that outlines a bunch of rules no one follows.

 

“Okay, guys, so we’re rolling out the new PPM for check presentments this week.  I’d like everyone to read through it and let me know if you have any questions.  It’s only 247 pages, so it shouldn’t take you more than a weekend.”

 

+1
0
  

Chase the Hot Dot

& filed under .

 

(1).  To always go for the trendy, new investment of the moment.  You’ve got a long road to retirement, my hipster friend.

 

“So, a lot of folks out there are just chasing the hot dot, you know?  We take a much more measured approach.  Well, “measured” in terms of measuring how much we can charge!  Am I right?!  So, anyway … bless me, Father, for I have sinned ….”

 

+1
0
  

Pound the Table

& filed under .

 

(1).  To argue with (or complain to) management about something you feel passionate about (i.e. your comp).

 

“Look, Jerry … Pete’s just not going to sign off on a ten percent commission for this one.  You can pound the table all you want, but it’s not going to happen.”

 

+1
0
  

My Hands Are Tied

& filed under .

 

(1).  What your boss says right after your comp discussion and right before he drives home in his Maserati.

 

“So, there it is, Jim.  I’m sorry we couldn’t do more for you this year, but my hands are tied.  Something, something … down year … something, something … we all have to share the pain … something, somethi … hey, what’re you doing with that letter opener?”

 

+1
0
  

Densification

& filed under .

 

(1).  The art of taking a productive, manageable space and stuffing it with as many people as possible to save a couple of bucks on heat or air conditioning or something.

 

(2).  The art of continually hiring people who bring down the overall IQ of the firm.

 

“Alright, everyone … so next week we’re implementing the firm’s densification strategy.  Mike, you’re now sharing an office with Stacy.  Stacy, you’re also sharing an office with Will.  Will, you’re going to be sharing your space with Paul.  And, Paul … what’re your thoughts on standing all day?”

 

+1
0
  

Uplift

& filed under .

 

(1).  A huge, and largely cosmetic, upgrade to your current, obsolete systems.  Or in other words … money well spent!

 

“So, we are looking to roll out the platform uplift sometime in Q2.  Certain dependencies remain which may impact this timeline, including Ken over here never showing up for work.  Oh, and Ken?  Can you see me in my office after this call?”

 

+1
0
  

Mind The Store

& filed under .

 

(1). To keep an eye on things to make sure someone is keeping an eye on things.

 

“Look, Jim.  I just want to make sure someone’s minding the store while I’m traveling next week.  So … be here.”

 

+1
0
  

LOE

& filed under .

 

(1).  “Level Of Effort”, or in other words, how much of a pain in the processors it’s going to be to do whatever the business wants you to do to the system.

 

“Okay, so after further analysis, our LOE has changed a bit.  We now think it’s going to take 378.4 man-days to complete this phase of the project.  So, based on that, we’re going to need to allocate 25.6 man-boys to this effort.”

 

+1
0
  

Calendarize

& filed under .

 

(1).  Because saying “schedule” isn’t sexy enough to bring all the boys to the yard.

 

“Alright Megan, how about we calendarize that pow wow for next month in Washington.  What?  We can’t say pow wow anymore?  We can’t call them the Redskins anymore?  Hmm, ok so let’s calendarize that meeting for next month in Washington.  What?  Ok ok, I’ll stop saying calendarize.  Let’s schedule that meeting next month in Washington.”

 

Props to DF for the submission!

 

+2
0
  

Pass-Through

& filed under .

 

(1).  A process that shouldn’t require any human intervention … right?

 

“So, once you hit ‘Submit’, the payment and shipping orders should all process on a pass-through basis.  The only caveat is that Marvin over there is going to have to push the payment and shipping orders to the vendors.  So, I guess it’s more like a ‘pass-through-Marvin basis’.  Sorry, Marvin.”

 

+1
0
  

Shooting Star

& filed under .

 

(1).  Someone who was involved with a client for such a short time their absence won’t be noticed.  In other words, fire away!

 

“Hey Mike, what’s up?  Susan’s leaving the firm?  That’s too bad.  How do I want to tell the client?  Well … I mean … Susan was more of a shooting star in the relationship, so I’m not sure we need to say anything.”

 

+1
0
  

Moving Target

& filed under .

 

(1).  An impossible-to-identify goal that keeps shifting and changing with the whims of your client or manager.  Just try to hit it … just try!

 

“So, Eric … I think we finally have what Ari’s looking for.  It was a bit of a moving target, but it looks like if we just eliminate the ‘liabilities’ line-item, his company’s financials will match what he wanted.”

 

+1
0
  

Thought Process

& filed under .

 

(1).  A frequently misused term intended, we think, to indicate there’s some real brain power behind whatever meaningless opinion you’re about to tell us.

 

“So, my thought process is this … if we move the accounting staff to the other end of the hall and the marketing department closer to my office, we should be able to maximize our potential for better-looking interns in the second quarter.”

 

+1
0
  

Warm Hold

& filed under .

 

(1).  A way to tell a job candidate “no” without actually having to say “no”.  (WARNING: May lead to uncomfortable follow-up phone calls and emails.)

 

“Yeah, I’m not sure this guy’s firm material, you know what I mean?  Well, let’s put him on a warm hold for now and call in some other candidates.”

 

+1
0
  

“Sell” Dinner

& filed under .

 

(1). That hot night out with a prospect intended to close the deal.

 

“Hey, Tom.  Got my “sell” dinner tonight with that big hedge fund guy and I want to show him a good time.  You still got that friend over at Jiggles?  I really want this guy to leave with a smile on his face!”

 

+1
0
  

Squish Factor

& filed under .

 

(1).  A certain amount of flexibility in your financials.

 

“Yes, the numbers are looking good so far this year.  Of course, that “Projected Estimable Receivables” balance provides us with a fairly healthy squish factor in case any of the board members starts asking questions.”

 

+1
0
  

Cut the Cord

& filed under .

 

(1).  To split from a long-standing relationship (like, with a mentor or some other guy you’ve been cowering behind since you got here).

 

“Hey, Steve, got a minute?  Wanted to talk to you about possibly taking over some accounts on your own.  You and Gary make a great team, but I think you’re ready to spread your wings a bit.  Got to cut the cord at some point, right?”

 

+1
0
  

Granola

& filed under .

 

(1).  A term used to describe a boring, plain person you work with.  So everyone.

 

(2).  A project, idea, suggestion, or project idea suggestion that you have come up with that is met with a less than stellar reception (read: It’s a nice way to say your idea sucks).

 

“Thanks for this Pat, but I am not sure we are really hitting the mark here.  The whole thing feels a bit granola.  I can’t help but think that someone, somewhere, has already handed out stress balls at a conference.  Although I commend you for somehow creating a 35 page deck around this idea, I don’t think we’ll be moving ahead with this.”

 

+4
0
  

Repotted

& filed under .

 

(1).  The act of indiscriminately moving some of your employees to another location to save a few shekels on rent.

 

“So, we just repotted all of our IRA call center guys to our new high value site in Topeka.  It’s going to save us a ton!”

 

+2
0