Negative Consent

& filed under .

 

(1).  When you tell your client (usually in an innocuous letter they’re not going to read) you’re going to do something unless they tell you not to.  Why, you sneaky, little ….

 

“Yeah, go ahead and sell.  We gave them a chance to object already.  That’s negative consent, in my book.  Fire away.”

 

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PPM

& filed under .

 

(1).  “Policies and Procedures Manual”; or in other words, an endless document no one reads that outlines a bunch of rules no one follows.

 

“Okay, guys, so we’re rolling out the new PPM for check presentments this week.  I’d like everyone to read through it and let me know if you have any questions.  It’s only 247 pages, so it shouldn’t take you more than a weekend.”

 

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Chase the Hot Dot

& filed under .

 

(1).  To always go for the trendy, new investment of the moment.  You’ve got a long road to retirement, my hipster friend.

 

“So, a lot of folks out there are just chasing the hot dot, you know?  We take a much more measured approach.  Well, “measured” in terms of measuring how much we can charge!  Am I right?!  So, anyway … bless me, Father, for I have sinned ….”

 

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Pound the Table

& filed under .

 

(1).  To argue with (or complain to) management about something you feel passionate about (i.e. your comp).

 

“Look, Jerry … Pete’s just not going to sign off on a ten percent commission for this one.  You can pound the table all you want, but it’s not going to happen.”

 

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My Hands Are Tied

& filed under .

 

(1).  What your boss says right after your comp discussion and right before he drives home in his Maserati.

 

“So, there it is, Jim.  I’m sorry we couldn’t do more for you this year, but my hands are tied.  Something, something … down year … something, something … we all have to share the pain … something, somethi … hey, what’re you doing with that letter opener?”

 

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Densification

& filed under .

 

(1).  The art of taking a productive, manageable space and stuffing it with as many people as possible to save a couple of bucks on heat or air conditioning or something.

 

(2).  The art of continually hiring people who bring down the overall IQ of the firm.

 

“Alright, everyone … so next week we’re implementing the firm’s densification strategy.  Mike, you’re now sharing an office with Stacy.  Stacy, you’re also sharing an office with Will.  Will, you’re going to be sharing your space with Paul.  And, Paul … what’re your thoughts on standing all day?”

 

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Uplift

& filed under .

 

(1).  A huge, and largely cosmetic, upgrade to your current, obsolete systems.  Or in other words … money well spent!

 

“So, we are looking to roll out the platform uplift sometime in Q2.  Certain dependencies remain which may impact this timeline, including Ken over here never showing up for work.  Oh, and Ken?  Can you see me in my office after this call?”

 

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Mind The Store

& filed under .

 

(1). To keep an eye on things to make sure someone is keeping an eye on things.

 

“Look, Jim.  I just want to make sure someone’s minding the store while I’m traveling next week.  So … be here.”

 

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LOE

& filed under .

 

(1).  “Level Of Effort”, or in other words, how much of a pain in the processors it’s going to be to do whatever the business wants you to do to the system.

 

“Okay, so after further analysis, our LOE has changed a bit.  We now think it’s going to take 378.4 man-days to complete this phase of the project.  So, based on that, we’re going to need to allocate 25.6 man-boys to this effort.”

 

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Calendarize

& filed under .

 

(1).  Because saying “schedule” isn’t sexy enough to bring all the boys to the yard.

 

“Alright Megan, how about we calendarize that pow wow for next month in Washington.  What?  We can’t say pow wow anymore?  We can’t call them the Redskins anymore?  Hmm, ok so let’s calendarize that meeting for next month in Washington.  What?  Ok ok, I’ll stop saying calendarize.  Let’s schedule that meeting next month in Washington.”

 

Props to DF for the submission!

 

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Pass-Through

& filed under .

 

(1).  A process that shouldn’t require any human intervention … right?

 

“So, once you hit ‘Submit’, the payment and shipping orders should all process on a pass-through basis.  The only caveat is that Marvin over there is going to have to push the payment and shipping orders to the vendors.  So, I guess it’s more like a ‘pass-through-Marvin basis’.  Sorry, Marvin.”

 

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Shooting Star

& filed under .

 

(1).  Someone who was involved with a client for such a short time their absence won’t be noticed.  In other words, fire away!

 

“Hey Mike, what’s up?  Susan’s leaving the firm?  That’s too bad.  How do I want to tell the client?  Well … I mean … Susan was more of a shooting star in the relationship, so I’m not sure we need to say anything.”

 

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Moving Target

& filed under .

 

(1).  An impossible-to-identify goal that keeps shifting and changing with the whims of your client or manager.  Just try to hit it … just try!

 

“So, Eric … I think we finally have what Ari’s looking for.  It was a bit of a moving target, but it looks like if we just eliminate the ‘liabilities’ line-item, his company’s financials will match what he wanted.”

 

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Thought Process

& filed under .

 

(1).  A frequently misused term intended, we think, to indicate there’s some real brain power behind whatever meaningless opinion you’re about to tell us.

 

“So, my thought process is this … if we move the accounting staff to the other end of the hall and the marketing department closer to my office, we should be able to maximize our potential for better-looking interns in the second quarter.”

 

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Warm Hold

& filed under .

 

(1).  A way to tell a job candidate “no” without actually having to say “no”.  (WARNING: May lead to uncomfortable follow-up phone calls and emails.)

 

“Yeah, I’m not sure this guy’s firm material, you know what I mean?  Well, let’s put him on a warm hold for now and call in some other candidates.”

 

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“Sell” Dinner

& filed under .

 

(1). That hot night out with a prospect intended to close the deal.

 

“Hey, Tom.  Got my “sell” dinner tonight with that big hedge fund guy and I want to show him a good time.  You still got that friend over at Jiggles?  I really want this guy to leave with a smile on his face!”

 

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Squish Factor

& filed under .

 

(1).  A certain amount of flexibility in your financials.

 

“Yes, the numbers are looking good so far this year.  Of course, that “Projected Estimable Receivables” balance provides us with a fairly healthy squish factor in case any of the board members starts asking questions.”

 

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Cut the Cord

& filed under .

 

(1).  To split from a long-standing relationship (like, with a mentor or some other guy you’ve been cowering behind since you got here).

 

“Hey, Steve, got a minute?  Wanted to talk to you about possibly taking over some accounts on your own.  You and Gary make a great team, but I think you’re ready to spread your wings a bit.  Got to cut the cord at some point, right?”

 

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Granola

& filed under .

 

(1).  A term used to describe a boring, plain person you work with.  So everyone.

 

(2).  A project, idea, suggestion, or project idea suggestion that you have come up with that is met with a less than stellar reception (read: It’s a nice way to say your idea sucks).

 

“Thanks for this Pat, but I am not sure we are really hitting the mark here.  The whole thing feels a bit granola.  I can’t help but think that someone, somewhere, has already handed out stress balls at a conference.  Although I commend you for somehow creating a 35 page deck around this idea, I don’t think we’ll be moving ahead with this.”

 

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Repotted

& filed under .

 

(1).  The act of indiscriminately moving some of your employees to another location to save a few shekels on rent.

 

“So, we just repotted all of our IRA call center guys to our new high value site in Topeka.  It’s going to save us a ton!”

 

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High Value Site

& filed under .

 

(1).  An overcrowded, battleship-gray building in an office park outside of Dubuque where you forced all of your ops guys to move to a couple of years ago.

 

“Don’t worry, Sam.  You’re going to love the new location.  It’s got all the amenities you could ask for – a Sunglass Hut, Macaroni Grill, and I heard they might be building a Walgreens, like, less than a mile away.  A real high value site for us!”

 

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Comfort Zone

& filed under .

 

(1).  The stuff you’re confident you’re good at, you know, like eating lunch.  Not to be confused with the more popular “Danger Zone”, because we all know what happens when you go there:

 

kloggins

 

 “Hiiiiighwayyy to the comfort zone!  Riiiight into the comfort zone!  Buh dum, buh dum dum dum dum dum dum.”

 

“Bill, bill…..BILL!”

 

**snaps out of day dream**

 

“We are happy you are comfortable within your role, but I don’t think this budget meeting is the right place to sing it out loud…..and Kenny Loggins sucks.”

 

 

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Boiling Frog Syndrome

& filed under .

 

(1).  In HR, this is a term used to describe how to deal with change in the workplace. For example, if you place a frog in boiling water, it will jump out, if you place it in cold water and gradually heat it, it might stay.  Pretty roundabout way to say “grow a pair and deal with it” but it’s ok, we’re into hand-holding, miss.

 

“Well Jon it sounds to me like you have a little bit of boiling frog syndrome.  Here’s how I see things: you were once the manager of business development.  Over the past year you gradually didn’t sell anything, and now you have become the manager of our telephone service, office supplies & bagel Friday’s.  You have a great new desk right up in front of the office, and get to talk to everyone who comes through the door, whether it be new people coming in for interviews, food delivery folk or the FedEX guy.  The way I see it, it’s a win win for everyone!  That guy?  Oh he’s here for the new business development manager position, can you send him to my office?”

 

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Optically-Pleasing

& filed under .

 

(1).  Something you’d like all of your KPIs to be.

 

“Hmmm … is there any way we can eliminate that line-item marked “fees”?  I just don’t think it’ll be optically-pleasing to the client given our performance is down about six percent from last year.”

 

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Flesh Out

& filed under .

 

(1).  To go back and add more detail to some half-assed idea you mentioned during last Monday’s staff meeting (not to be confused with “flush out”, which probably means something else entirely).

 

“Hey Dan, thanks for your input here.  I’d like you to flesh out your proposal a bit more, though.  Do you think you can have a functional spec ready for us by next Tuesday?  I know you’re getting married the next day, but this could really help us shave some pennies from our P&L.”

 

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Out of Scope

& filed under .

 

(1).  Something that you really don’t want that new centralized team in Mumbai to start messing with.

 

“Whoa!  Whoa!  Whoa!  What do you mean we have to run all of our T&Es by Annalise?!  I thought you said they were out of scope!  I’ve got to get in front of Jim on this … pronto!”

 

 

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Brown Bag

& filed under .

 

(1).  To attend a conference or seminar that encourages you to bring your own food.  You should think about getting on some better mailing lists or something, dude.

 

“So, I’m going to this talk about how to land clients tomorrow.  They told everyone to brown bag it, so I guess I’m bringing my lunch.  Come to think of it, they don’t seem very good at landing clients….

 

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Old And Cold Money

& filed under .

 

(1).  A client account you’re thinking of going after that’s been with one bank for years and years.  And why shouldn’t you give it try?!  I mean, who’s better than you, right?!  Their current guy probably doesn’t even call them once a quarter to tell them what’s going on with Russian commodity prices!  And how about that new exchange fund you’re offering?  Wouldn’t they want to know about that?!  Of course they would!!  Now, get over to that phone and get that old coot on the line!  You are a bright, shining star!

 

“So, given our lackluster numbers so far this year, I’ve been thinking that a new strategy is called for.  Instead of young, up-and-coming entrepreneurs, we’re going to hunt for some old and cold money!  Now, I want everyone to hit the nursing homes and university clubs and bring in those Vanderbilts!”

 

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Verbal Dexterity Coach

& filed under .

 

(1).  Some senior sales guy that’s assigned to teach the new hires how to get little old ladies to unwittingly buy their crappy reverse mortgages.

 

“So, I was talking to my verbal dexterity coach today and he told me I need to beef up my emotional intelligence before they’ll let me start prospecting again.  I don’t get it … what’s wrong with handing out business cards at a funeral home?!”

 

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Call Option

& filed under .

 

(1).  A small, unprofitable piece of business your sales guy convinces you to take, claiming “there’s a lot of money behind this one.”

 

“Yeah, I know the fee on this one doesn’t even cover our cost, but this is a call option opportunity.  This guy tells us his company’s going public soon – no, he didn’t say when – and we’ll already be in there when it does!”

 

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Speak To

& filed under .

 

(1).  To talk about something, or give a reply.

 

“I’m going to speak to this bullet point.”

 

“I’d like to speak to your question.”

 

Props to J—- for the submission.

 

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Cinco de Mayo

& filed under .

 

(1).  Cinco de Mayo is a day dedicated to the commemoration of the Mexican army’s highly unanticipated victory over the French (stupid French) at the Battle of Puebla on May 5th, 1862.  Of course, in the United States it is celebrated as a day of Mexican heritage pride by a bunch of non-Mexican heritage white people appropriately buying a ton of avocado’s, drinking Corona, and ordering in from Moe’s.  Ole’.  It is often confused with Mexico’s independence day, which is September 16th.

 

(2).  Some also believe today is the day the first bowl of guacamole was created, but that seems somewhat racist, so we don’t support that delicious interpretation.

 

Si usted puede leer esto, que si se puede, entonces usted sabe que he usado una herramienta de traducción de chabolas, entonces usted sabe que este día es paparruchas total y sólo una razón para que la gente irse del trabajo temprano y se cargan en un día laborable. Don t me malinterpreten, estoy literalmente salir por la puerta en On The Border en este momento, ¡pero tanto realistas, esta fiesta no realmente captura la esencia de lo que se supone que este día para estar a punto. Todo el mundo sabe que Cinco de Mayo conmemora el primer lote de guacamole está realizando y todas estas partes son una farsa completa. Independientemente, Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

 

For funsies, feel free to copy and paste the above into Google Translate.  The sentences will be fragmented, but hey, you’ll get it.

 

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Dinosaur

& filed under .

 

(1).  Someone who is a little bit behind the technological times, like Bill from accounting.  He can never understand why The Home Depot “follows” him around the internet, and is flabbergasted every time he accidentally hits the SIRI button on his iPhone his kids got him for Christmas and is asked how it can help him.  Oh Bill, bless his heart.

 

(2).  If “The Google” got you to this page, then you are a dinosaur.

 

(3).  If Bing got you to this page, then you are a dinosaur.

 

“So get this kids, I opened up the Internet Explorer and Binged how to properly stain a deck like you told me, and wouldn’t ya know it, a video popped up and played right in front of me.  Didn’t have to pay a nickel for it, amazing!  Dinosaur no more, am I right?!”

 

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Your Baby is Ugly

& filed under .

 

(1).  The tough love statement you need to tell your client when they refuse to believe that nobody likes their brand, company, or product.

 

“Listen Mike, it doesn’t matter how many times you say “everyone loves our manure scented candles” and “they smell like nature”, it just isn’t true.  Your baby is uglyManandles stink, literally.”

 

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KPI

& filed under .

 

(1).  Stands for “key performance indicator”, which is something that call center in Bangalore points to every time you start complaining about their bill.

 

“As you can see from Slide 8 of the deck, our KPIs in GUI maintenance are right on par with our SLA.  Any questions?”

 

Props to KGH for the submission.

 

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Hard and Fast Rule

& filed under .

 

(1).  A rule that is kinda, sorta meant to be followed (you know, like the Tax Code).

 

“Well, I wouldn’t say it’s a hard and fast rule … more of a best practice, I think.  Irregardless, you might want to stop smacking your secretary in the ass every time she gets your travel right, Bill.”

 

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Work Wife

& filed under .

 

(1).  The woman in the office that you currently are, or want to be, engaged in an extramarital affair with.

 

(2).  The female counterpart to a work husband.  She’s that hot new intern you just met a few months ago, or the long time colleague that you spend way too many late nights with at the office.  You tell her why your wife or girlfriend is making you unhappy, and she is that comforting force that makes everything ok.  Until you guys get caught and it’s totally not ok because you pretty much will lose everything you really care about….I mean, it’s probably worth it if its the hot new intern, but….nope totally worth it.

 

“Hey Ted, you and Karen got a little something going on over there huh?  She’s like your work wife.  By the way, I am not sure if you noticed, but Betty has been posting these weird things on Facebook that are totally geared towards you.”

 

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Work Husband

& filed under .

 

(1).  The guy at work that you are currently are, or want to be, engaged in an extramarital affair with.

 

(2).  The male counterpart to a work wife.  He’s the guy in the office that you are a little too comfortable with, tell a little too much too, and the guy’s ass that you “accidentally” grab after that second cosmo.  Chill out Karen, everyone knows, and all the ladies (and possibly some guys) are jealous.

 

“Can you believe Ted and Karen?  He’s totally her work husband.  It’s not cute and they are totally sleeping together, and even if they’re not, they want to.  Why doesn’t Ted notice me?  I don’t get it.  My Facebook posts are clearly geared towards him.  Karen doesn’t post anything on her Facebook account just for him like I do.  Slut.”

 

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Cry Wolf

& filed under .

 

(1).  To habitually create a crisis where none truly exists.

 

“What?  Lou said we have a huge accounting error in our quarterly earnings report?  I’m sure it’s fine.  Lou just likes to cry wolf to bring attention to himself.”

 

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Bridge The Gap

& filed under .

 

(1).  To advance (at least in the mind of your HR department) to the “next level” through some kind of training or seminar or some other crap.

 

“Jim, we’d like to send you to Binghampton, New York for a week to attend the company’s Leadership Capability Strategic Initiative training.  We think this will help you bridge the gap between your current meaningless role to the all-new meaningless role we have in mind for you.”

 

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Right?

& filed under .

 

(1). Used at the end of every sentence by someone trying to state the obvious but who really is just painfully insecure.  Although used by articulate speakers as an infrequent rhetorical tool, the user here actually expects your agreement.  Every.  Single.  Time.

 

“The end goal here is to improve our net promoter score, right?  So we should survey customers in real time, right?  And that’s going to require resources, right?  So, clearly we should…, right?

 

Props to Tommy P. for the submission.

 

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Client Onboarding

& filed under .

 

(1).  What they used to just call “account opening”.  It’s still just “account opening”.

 

“So, I reached out to our client onboarding team today to see when we should expect the account to be open.  They asked us for a few missing things, which I was hoping you could get from the client.  Let’s see: birth certificate … mother’s maiden name … and … umm … urine sample.  That should do it.  Thanks a bunch!”

 

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Blink Decision

& filed under .

 

(1).  A no-brainer.

 

“So, Andy, what your saying is … if we set the heat in the office at 50 all the time, we can save thousands of dollars of overhead?  Sounds like a blink decision to me.”

 

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Version Control

& filed under .

 

(1).  Something very difficult to maintain when you keep asking fifteen people for “their thoughts” in every, stinking email you send (see too many cooks in the kitchen).

 

“So, it looks like we’re having a little problem with version control here.  I’m looking at the one marked ‘v.2 MGH’, but Tom seems to have one marked ‘v.4 JKL’.  Anyone know which one is the latest?  Maybe we should just start over?”

 

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Color Inside The Lines

& filed under .

 

(1).  To be careful in your work.  You, I’m looking at you.

 

“I don’t know what I’m going to do with Michelle.  She’s been working here for three years and still can’t seem to be able to color inside the lines on anything!  I think it may be time to find a new Michelle.”

 

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Bespoke

& filed under .

 

(1).  Unnecessarily customized.  Like iPhone cases.

 

“I just can’t believe we can’t figure out how to provide annual fee summaries in some kind of automated fashion, Don.  Having your team create some kind of bespoke document for every account is lunacy.  Can you see if the Tech guys have some kind of solution here?  I’m going to let Jim know I’m on top of this, in the meantime.  Thanks a bunch.”

 

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Windshield Time

& filed under .

 

(1).  Those hours spent traveling for work through states with “no cell phone” laws.

 

“Sorry, Dan…I’m going to be logging a ton of windshield time tomorrow.  Why don’t we schedule your comp discussion next week or the week after.  Thanks!”

 

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Turbo Charge

& filed under .

 

(1).  Term used to sell a super-expensive yet totally useless idea to a client.

 

“We’re gonna turbo charge your pet food campaign by live-casting happy marmots dancing on the moon on your custom YouTube channel!  You know…the Internet loves funny animals nowadays….”

 

Props to Laurent P. for the submission.

 

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My Calendar’s Up-To-Date

& filed under .

 

(1).  A not-so-subtle way to tell someone to stop asking if you’re available for a “quick call”.

 

“Umm…I should be around next Thursday, I think.  My calendar’s up-to-date, so just send a meeting request.”

 

Props to Meg D. for the submission.

 

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