Cry Wolf

& filed under .

 

(1).  To habitually create a crisis where none truly exists.

 

“What?  Lou said we have a huge accounting error in our quarterly earnings report?  I’m sure it’s fine.  Lou just likes to cry wolf to bring attention to himself.”

 

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Bridge The Gap

& filed under .

 

(1).  To advance (at least in the mind of your HR department) to the “next level” through some kind of training or seminar or some other crap.

 

“Jim, we’d like to send you to Binghampton, New York for a week to attend the company’s Leadership Capability Strategic Initiative training.  We think this will help you bridge the gap between your current meaningless role to the all-new meaningless role we have in mind for you.”

 

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Right?

& filed under .

 

(1). Used at the end of every sentence by someone trying to state the obvious but who really is just painfully insecure.  Although used by articulate speakers as an infrequent rhetorical tool, the user here actually expects your agreement.  Every.  Single.  Time.

 

“The end goal here is to improve our net promoter score, right?  So we should survey customers in real time, right?  And that’s going to require resources, right?  So, clearly we should…, right?

 

Props to Tommy P. for the submission.

 

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Client Onboarding

& filed under .

 

(1).  What they used to just call “account opening”.  It’s still just “account opening”.

 

“So, I reached out to our client onboarding team today to see when we should expect the account to be open.  They asked us for a few missing things, which I was hoping you could get from the client.  Let’s see: birth certificate … mother’s maiden name … and … umm … urine sample.  That should do it.  Thanks a bunch!”

 

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Blink Decision

& filed under .

 

(1).  A no-brainer.

 

“So, Andy, what your saying is … if we set the heat in the office at 50 all the time, we can save thousands of dollars of overhead?  Sounds like a blink decision to me.”

 

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Version Control

& filed under .

 

(1).  Something very difficult to maintain when you keep asking fifteen people for “their thoughts” in every, stinking email you send (see too many cooks in the kitchen).

 

“So, it looks like we’re having a little problem with version control here.  I’m looking at the one marked ‘v.2 MGH’, but Tom seems to have one marked ‘v.4 JKL’.  Anyone know which one is the latest?  Maybe we should just start over?”

 

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Color Inside The Lines

& filed under .

 

(1).  To be careful in your work.  You, I’m looking at you.

 

“I don’t know what I’m going to do with Michelle.  She’s been working here for three years and still can’t seem to be able to color inside the lines on anything!  I think it may be time to find a new Michelle.”

 

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Bespoke

& filed under .

 

(1).  Unnecessarily customized.  Like iPhone cases.

 

“I just can’t believe we can’t figure out how to provide annual fee summaries in some kind of automated fashion, Don.  Having your team create some kind of bespoke document for every account is lunacy.  Can you see if the Tech guys have some kind of solution here?  I’m going to let Jim know I’m on top of this, in the meantime.  Thanks a bunch.”

 

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Windshield Time

& filed under .

 

(1).  Those hours spent traveling for work through states with “no cell phone” laws.

 

“Sorry, Dan…I’m going to be logging a ton of windshield time tomorrow.  Why don’t we schedule your comp discussion next week or the week after.  Thanks!”

 

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Turbo Charge

& filed under .

 

(1).  Term used to sell a super-expensive yet totally useless idea to a client.

 

“We’re gonna turbo charge your pet food campaign by live-casting happy marmots dancing on the moon on your custom YouTube channel!  You know…the Internet loves funny animals nowadays….”

 

Props to Laurent P. for the submission.

 

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My Calendar’s Up-To-Date

& filed under .

 

(1).  A not-so-subtle way to tell someone to stop asking if you’re available for a “quick call”.

 

“Umm…I should be around next Thursday, I think.  My calendar’s up-to-date, so just send a meeting request.”

 

Props to Meg D. for the submission.

 

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Multi-Task

& filed under .

 

(1).  Term used while on a conference call, paying no attention to what’s being said and working on something else completely different.

 

“Oh, sorry, can you repeat that? I was multi-tasking.”

 

Props to Kevin for the submission.

 

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Face Time

& filed under .

 

(1).  The tedious task of actually seeing and interacting with your client in person.

 

(2).  An unwelcome meet-up with your client that happens much too often and usually require a significant amount of traveling.  Most of the time these meet-ups revolve around the clients “hectic” schedule which is either a result of them being bored, or being at a conference in the middle of nowhere.

 

“Hey Alda, you know what?  I think we should meet up for some face time at the Monarch Butterfly Expo in Albuquerque!  It’s just as short plane, bus and cab drive away from you.  Whaddya say?”

 

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Work Hard, Play Hard

& filed under .

 

(1).  A statement usually made by the person in your office that historically has done neither.

 

“Hey guys, I didn’t get a chance to finish up those reports you needed, anyways, anyone wanna hit TGI Fridays with me?  Work Hard, Play Hard, am I right?”

 

(2).  Something lonely Jackie from Accounting says in her Facebook status update on Saturday nights before she heads out to The Olive Garden with “the girls”.

 

Update – Saturday February 22nd 2014, 5:37 PM: “Never ending pasta and bread sticks?  Count me hungry!  Heading out with the girls after a long week of work.  Work Hard, Play Hard!!”

 

(3).  A statement used by stock brokers (emphasis on the “bro”) when they want to blow off some steam after a week of “totally crushing it”.

 

“We totally crushed it this week bro, let’s head over to Off The Wagon and hit on some NYU freshmen!  Work Hard, Play Harder bro!!”

 

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Squishy Number

& filed under .

 

(1).  A dollar amount that just may be subject to considerable interpretation.

 

“Yeah…I know he said he was worth a billion dollars, but I think that’s a bit of a squishy number.  We might want to make that ‘b’ an ‘m’.”

 

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Post-Mortem

& filed under .

 

(1).  The awkward discussion you have after a pitch with a prospect to figure out why you didn’t win the business (read: why you suck) so you can “do better next time”.

 

(2).  The meeting that happens after a big project is completed, where everyone gathers round to discuss who will be the scapegoat for everything that went wrong.

 

“Listen guys, doing a post-mortem is a solid way to figure out what we did right and what we did wrong.  I mean, Jerry dropping the F-bomb a few times didn’t help, and Lisa, breaking down crying in the middle of the meeting when your GoToMyPC froze probably wasn’t great either.  You know what, on second thought, maybe we don’t need to do this…..Jerry and Lisa, can you come to my office for a minute?”

 

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Kleenex Issue

& filed under .

 

(1).  When your product or service becomes synonymous with it’s function. (i.e. Kleenex is a brand of tissue, not the tissue itself, and Google is a search engine, yet people use the brand name as the actual action of searching.  See, now you get it, and if you don’t and are upset about not getting it, then grab a Kleenex and go Google it, lady).

 

“You see Ted, your problem is that you have somewhat of a Kleenex issue on your hands.  On one hand, everyone knows your product and brand, on the other, nobody can differentiate between the two and your competitors use both in all of their marketing material.  Guess that patent idea I gave you 10 years back makes a whole lot of sense now, doesn’t it Ted?”

 

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Peel Back The Onion

& filed under .

 

(1).  To drill down into the underlying causes of the issue you’re probably covering up.

 

“So, while our year-end numbers look a little light, if you peel back the onion you’ll see that our longer-term fundamentals are strong to quite strong.”

 

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Corporate Jargon

& filed under .

 

(1).  Terms those guys in your IT department keep using over and over again.

 

“What the hell was Ron even saying on that call?  He was just babbling a bunch of corporate jargon.  I’m not even sure what language he was speaking!”

 

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Boots On The Ground

& filed under .

 

(1).  Actual people who staff one of your branch offices.  Did you ever see “The Office”?  It’s like that.

 

“So, we’re looking to expand into Uzbekistan.  We’re going to need boots on the ground over there, so…Steve?  Up for a road trip?”

 

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The Internet Of Things

& filed under .

 

(1).  A term coined by Kevin Ashton in 2009 that speaks to the concept of machines talking to machines and learning our habits so that less waste and loss is created.  While this is a great idea in theory, it’s basically saying that one day refrigerators, toasters, televisions, etc. will eventually revolt against the human race and take over the world.  I don’t know about you, but I have no problem opening my refrigerator, seeing I am out of eggs, and then going to the store to restock said eggs.

 

(2).  Skynet.

 

“Hey Steve, you hear about this Internet of Things stuff?  Google’s acquisition of Nest is going to change the way we talk to our devices!  Everything is going to be connected and I’ll never run out of toilet paper again!  What?  So the device has to be connected to the internet?  Hmm…there has to be a company somewhere in Japan that has an internet-enabled toilet.  Ok, we’re going off the rails a bit here, but once I find or invent that toilet, life is gonna be great!”

 

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Email Bomb

& filed under .

 

(1). Using the delivery function on Outlook to send an email to make it appear as though you’re in your office when you’re actually at the gym, home, bar, etc.

 

“Wow! Greg was at work awfully early today!”

 

“Do you really think he wrote and sent 9 emails at 6:07 a.m.?  He totally dropped an email bomb.”

 

Props to Jeff Q. for the submission.

 

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Four-Legged Call

& filed under .

 

(1). Idiotic expression used to describe a sales call where an account exec is accompanied by his/her manager or other “expert”.

 

“So, Kyle brought a guy from the fixed income team with him this morning to talk about munis.  I guess he thought he needed to have a four-legged call to land the account.”

 

Props to Mike J. for the submission.

 

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Tick and Tie

& filed under .

 

(1).  To double-check your half-assed work before anyone sees it.

 

“Hey, Jim.  I’m going to need to you stay late tonight.  I just want to tick and tie everything in our presentation before sending it out.”

 

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Possibility Plate

& filed under .

 

(1).  A simply adorable way to say you just can’t do it.

 

“I’m afraid I’ll have to push that off the edge of my possibility plate.”

 

Props to Helen S. for the submission.

 

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Bend the Steel

& filed under .

 

(1).  To try really, really hard (but still fail).

 

“I’ve been bending the steel on this, but I just don’t think I’m going to be able to get you that purple Geo you’re looking for.”

 

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Bottom Feeder

& filed under .

 

(1).  That stockbroker who keeps calling you.

 

(2).  Most of us.

 

“Over there?  Oh, that’s Sam.  He hangs around churches at night scoping grief support groups for potential clients.  ‘They always have life insurance’, he says.  Real bottom feeder.”

 

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Wet Signature

& filed under .

 

(1).  An actual signature (with a pen).  Remember those?

 

“So, Compliance told us we need a wet signature on this document.  Gross.”

 

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ABC (Always Be Closing)

& filed under .

 

(1).  In the sales world, ABC is an acronym for “Always Be Closing”.  Made famous by Alec Baldwin screaming at the sales team in Glengarry Glen Ross in 1992,  it is nearly impossible to avoid mentioning that first prize is a Cadillac El Dorado, second prize is a set of steak knives and third prize is “you’re fired”.

 

“A-Always, B-Be, C-Closing.  Always Be Closing.” (We would keep going here and try to insert some different names and words here to get a cheap laugh, but there are simply too many curses in this speech, and let’s face it, it’s hysterical just the way it is.  Go here for a full transcript.)

 

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Long Runway

& filed under .

 

(1).  The sales process for a prospect who takes a really, really long time to make a decision to hire you to do whatever it is you do.

 

“The Griffin opportunity?  We’ve got a long runway on that one.  This guy took two months to decide whether he was going to try out wearing gray socks to work!”

 

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Whale Hunter

& filed under .

 

(1).  That sales executive in your office that only goes after huge prospects.  His prey is elusive and his competition is intense.  Yet, if he scores just one win, his year is set.  But if he doesn’t….

 

“Who … Ron?  That guy’s a whale hunter.  He’s got, like, two multi-billion dollar prospects in the hopper right now.  If only one of them pans out … it’s right to the Maserati dealer!”

 

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One-On-One

& filed under .

 

(1).  An unsolicited, often recurring, meeting with your boss intended to (a) make it appear to your co-workers like you are more important to the business than you actually are, and (b) make it appear to your boss like you are more important to the business than you actually are.

 

“Sorry, Tom.  Can’t make the 2 o’clock call.  I’ve got my one-on-one with Jim.  Yeah, you know, gotta go over some numbers, some of the things I’ve been working on, big picture stuff….”

 

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Smoking Gun

& filed under .

 

(1).  A term used to identify the cause of a major problem a company is currently experiencing.  While this metaphoric firearm and the silver bullet that can remedy the situation rarely exist, business owners seem to love the chase.  In all honesty, the problem is usually due a pile of guns that the business owner has accumulated from years and years of poor business decisions.

 

(2).  In internet marketing, this terms is usually associated with a business owner looking for the cause of a massive drop in organic traffic due to one of Google’s jackass algorithm updates.  Thanks Matt Cutts.

 

“Sean, I’m just looking for the smoking gun in this situation.  I don’t understand why linking to all of these gambling and porn sites is such a bad thing.  Lot’s of people go to them, hell, I was just on one before this meeting.  That’s a strong handshake you have by the way.”

 

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Silver Bullet

& filed under .

 

(1).  A metaphoric ammunition that CEO’s, managers, and business owners alike believe can rectify a major issue a company is currently experiencing.

 

(2).  In their physical form, silver bullets are commonly used to eliminate werewolves….which are totally real.

 

“Ok, so we found the smoking gun and now we just need to find the silver bullet to fix it so we can all put this whole thing behind us.  I swear to God, this is the last time I listen to that janitor down on the third floor who moonlights as a psychic.”

 

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Death By A Thousand Cuts

& filed under .

 

(1).  Having so many things to do, that you end up at the bar around the corner, having done none of them.

        altdeath by a thousand paper cuts (for you pencil-pushing office rats out there)

 

“Dammit, Greg!  This project is like death by a thousand cuts!  I have so many to-do’s on my list, I don’t even know which one to do first!  Arghh!”  (window breaking… …thud… …)

 

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Failing Up

& filed under .

 

(1).  Inexplicably continuing to advance in your career irrespective of results, skill, judgment or intelligence.  Good for you, boss!

 

“I don’t understand it!  Fred is months behind schedule, way over budget and they just gave him another huge project to manage!  Man, talk about failing up!”

 

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Rockstar

& filed under .

 

(1).  n. Congrats guy! You’re the Eddie Van Halen of reporting.  The Steven Tyler of the boardroom.  You are officially the guy who everyone else in the office envies.  Colleagues want to be you and clients want to be with you.  Your trip up the corporate ladder has been swift and easy.  That corner office and sexual harassment suit are right around the corner!

 

(2).  n. An individual who happens to be in the right place at the right time…..somehow, all the time.

 

(3).  adj. A term that is used to describe someone identified by management as a key player to the company’s success.  This person may or may not be doing any real work, but hey, good for them.

 

“Steve?  That kid’s a rockstar!  He’s in early, and loves to burn the midnight oil.  It’s amazing that every time something goes right, he’s in the room.  It must be him right?  I mean, I see him on Facebook a lot during the day, but that’s probably just him taking a break.  Hmm.  Whatever, let’s give him a company car and an expense account!”

 

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Barrier Of Entry

& filed under .

 

(1).  Oh, let’s see … the fact that your fees are too high, your hot assistant called in sick today, the prospect doesn’t seem to like your tie, and you suspect that he may be sleeping with that b* from Merrill Lynch he keeps talking about.

 

“I don’t know about this one, Harry.  There are just too many barriers of entry here.  I mean, the guy actually told me he didn’t like talking to you!”

 

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Gatekeeper

& filed under .

 

(1).  The individual on a project that holds the key to getting everything done on time and on budget.  Unfortunately, this never happens due to this person being completely inept, much like LouisTully.

 

(2).  Dana Barrett

 

“Are you the gatekeeper?”

 

“No, Thomas the Manager is. He will come in one of the company approved, pre-chosen forms. Once at a company outing, the manager came as a large and moving Consultant! Then, during quarterly reviews, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant D-Bag! Many peons and part-timers knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of HR that day, I can tell you!”

 

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Style Points

& filed under .

 

(1).  A plus for wearing a nice suit, but often accompanied by a minus that there’s no one inside it.

 

“Well, Jeff’s dog-and-pony show may win on style points, but the fact that he wasn’t sure what the client’s name was or what business he was in might have cost him a next meeting.”

 

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Maker-Checker Environment

& filed under .

 

(1).  A fancy way to tell someone they need someone else to check their work … all the time.

 

“Hey Evan, I’m thinking we need to establish a maker-checker environment for depositing the cash from the register at the end of the day.  I’m just finding it hard to believe it when you tell me everyone in here yesterday was just browsing.”

 

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Burning The Midnight Oil

& filed under .

 

(1).  A term that can be taken in two very different ways.  On one hand, you are the rockstar employee who works late often to better the firms footprint within your industry.  On the other hand, you are that kiss-ass employee who works late often because you don’t have kids, friends, or anything worthwhile going on, which alienates your co-workers.  Work is great.

 

Boss – “Hey Matt, great to see that even on a Friday night you’re still here working and burning the midnight oil, thanks for all your hard work.”

 

Everyone Else in the Office – “Matt is such a dick.”

 

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Neck Beards

& filed under .

 

(1).  Those lovable, less-then-presentable guys who work in your tech department.  While we all know they are making fun of us behind our backs, we can all take solace in the fact that they are all a stone’s throw away from being Hobbits, and will always fix our computers after we “accidentally” open that porn site.

 

“Hey Dave, have you seen any of the neck beards around?  Do you think you can call them for me?  I opened up ANOTHER email, which took me to ANOTHER porn site.  Weird right?  Third time this month.  I would ask them, but every time I screw my computer up and ask them to fix it, they look at me like I just deleted their level 80 dark elf in World of Warcraft.”

 

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Permalancing

& filed under .

 

(1).  When a freelance worker is hired by a large company to work on a project for years, but is not entitled to (or offered, for that matter) health benefits.

 

(2).  Kinda like having a job….kinda….

 

Permalancing is great!  It’s like I work for the company, but I really don’t.  I mean, they can let me go at any moment, without any notice, but I still think it’s the right thing for me.  **cough** **cough** Oh this cough?  Don’t worry about it, I’ve had it for about a month but I’m sure the Tylenol Cold & Sinus will take care of it eventually.  **cough** **cough**”

 

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Train Neighbor

& filed under .

 

(1).  Your new best friend at 6am that loves to:

 

- Tell you about their grandchildren.

- Where they’re “headin”.

- What they ate for breakfast.

- Their medical problems.

- Fall asleep on you.

- Ask you if this is the train to Penn.

- Tell you about the “big” project they’re working on.

- Make a phone call that you, and all the other riders, unwillingly participate in.

- Talk about Obama.

 

“Hey buddy, mind if I sit next to ya?  Guess we’re train neighbors for the morning.  I’ll try not to get up to use the bathroom too much, my granddaughter always does, she’s great.  I’m headin’ to New Jersey, gotta take the Amtrak.  This is the train to Penn right?  Had an omelet for breakfast, that probably wasn’t a good idea.  Got a big meeting today for this project I’ve been working on for the last year.  Man I’m tired.  Oh, hold on, I gotta take this call.  Hi Barry.  HI BARRY, I DON’T HAVE GREAT RECEPTION, I’M ON THE TRAIN.  NO, IT’S NOT A QUIET CAR.  CRAZY ABOUT THIS GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN, RIGHT?”

 

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Gaining Traction

& filed under .

 

(1).  What you tell your boss when he asks how much the company’s made off of that really expensive ad campaign you talked him into running.

 

“Well, I don’t think it’s right to measure our success in dollar terms, you know?  But I can say that we’re gaining traction in our target demos, except for men 18 to 49, women 25 to 55 or children.”

 

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Adorable

& filed under .

 

(1).  In real estate listings, a house that is way too small for you and your seven kids to live in.

 

“I think you’re just going to love this next one!  It’s an adorable three-bedroom cape right on a quiet, little corner lot.  Those lights?  Oh, it’s just the 7-Eleven parking lot.  Don’t worry, almost no one ever tries to jump the fence.”

 

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Literally

& filed under .

 

(1).  The opposite of “literally”.

 

“If Bob asks that question again in this meeting, I’m going to literally blow my head off!”

 

Props to T. P. for the submission.

 

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Due Diligence

& filed under .

 

(1).  Taking the proper amount of a time (read: an exorbitant amount of time) to vet through a current prospect, acquisition, project, endeavor, thought, initiative, yadda, yadda, yadda.

 

“Alright everybody, as Sandy always says, we have to do our due diligence on this. I put the timeline at 4-6 months to decide whether or not we are going to buy 1% milk or whole milk for the common kitchen area.  Andrea, you have 2 weeks to put a deck together on the pro’s and con’s for this initiative.”

 

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