BROWSE:

(1).  See back of the napkin.

“This is just back of the envelope, but I think we can get this done for only a couple thousand bucks.  Wait, you’d like to see our rate sheet?  Gotta go!”

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(1).  A colloquial expression used to indicate that the analysis you are about to provide was completed very quickly, with little forethought, and will likely prove to be incorrect.

“This is totally back of the napkin, but I think we can increase your sales 300% this year.”

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(1).  A stupid word used in place of “history”.

“Hey Mike, why don’t you give him the back story on the Collins deal?”

Props to Lisa for the submission.

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(1).  To gradually change your opinion after receiving a negative response (see push back) from either your boss, your client or someone in Legal.

“Mike said we should price this account at fifty bips with no discounts, but now he’s backpedaling on that after the client threatened to call his golfing buddy the CEO.”

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(1).  A series of empty promises made to a prospective client, designed to entice them to hire your firm.

“I hear what you’re saying, Al, but we can’t just sell these people a bag of goods and then have them find out we can deliver on about 2% of what we promised!  What are we, iPhones?!”

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(1).  A specialty or area of expertise.  The term is often used to avoid answering a question you don’t know the answer to.

“Well, international taxation of fishing leases isn’t exactly my bailywick, but I have a few partners who’ll be able to help you.  I took the liberty of inviting all of them to this meeting.”

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(1).  The deceptive practice of enticing a new customer with empty promises (read: low fees) only to spring the real deal on them after it’s too late for them to back out.

“What is this, some kind of bait and switch?  You’re sign says ‘All You Can Eat’ and, goddamnit, I want more shrimp!”

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(1).  To include (but not necessarily disclose) certain information (usually fees) in a presentation or report.

“So, love the proposal, Ron.  Let me ask you a question … I’m not seeing your commission on this anywhere … am I missing something or is that already baked into these numbers?

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(1).  A cooking-inspired term comparing low-cost services that are included in a contract to a bundt cake.

(2).  Miscellaneous line-items included in a contract to make the client feel good about paying you more than they want to.

“The technology fee and set-up fee are baked in to the contract.  I have no idea what those are but we have to put something in there to justify our fee.”

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(1).  An expression used to imply that you have a lot of things you are working on right now (see juggling), often to indicate to someone that you are going to refuse whatever assignment you are about to be given.

“Sorry Ross, I don’t think I have time to help out on that, I have a lot of balls in the air right now….and no, that’s not what she said.”

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(1). A term used by developers to describe a quick and temporary fix for a problem on a website.  While the plan is to only have this quick fix up for a few days until the problem can be permanently corrected, it usually remains in place for years and well beyond the tenure of the developer who originally installed it.

“Hey Scott, what can we do about those images not rendering correctly on the site?”
 
“I’ll have to look into it but I can put a band aid on it for now so that the site functions correctly.”
 
FAST FORWARD 6 YEARS
 
“Yea I don’t know this guy Scott who worked here a few years back said he was working on it…images still don’t render correctly.”

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(1).  Yet another way to tell someone you aren’t going to do any more work than you absolutely have to.

“Sorry, Ned…I just don’t have the bandwidth right now to take on any more accounts.  Hey, I’ve got an idea, why don’t you start working a 40-hour week?  That might do it!”

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(1).  A 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. workday, usually used by those who work much longer hours (see lawyers’ hours) in an attempt to look better to their bosses or co-workers than those who don’t.

“Whoa, heading home already, Steve?  Guess we’re working bankers’ hours now.  I was just about to throw another pot of coffee on.  Hey boss, you want a cup?  I asked Steve but he’s leaving for the night.”

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(1).  Overwhelming new employees by not having a game plan for training and just throwing them into meetings and projects.

“Glad to have you on the team, Megan.  Well, I’m out for the next couple of weeks, so I guess it’ll be a bit of a baptism by fire for you.  The manual is on that pile on my desk, I think.  Good luck!”

Props to Lara for the submission.

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(1).  An acronym for “Business Continuity Plan”, or, a company’s plan to keep working after a hurricane or terrorist attack that looks really good on paper but will never work in a million years BECAUSE EVERYONE WILL BE RUNNING AWAY.

“Hey, team…just wanted to remind everyone of the BCP test we are running this week.  Basically, we just want all of you to work from home…yep…that’s the plan…”

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(1).  A term used to describe one’s involvement in a certain matter or project, usually as a way to suggest someone else’s involvement would be unnecessary or undesirable.

“I’m not sure Mike’s 50-slide presentation on our office’s battery-recycling program would be additive to the board meeting.”

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(1).  To add content to a presentation or white paper.  Usually suggested by those who believe length equals quality.

“Your proposal really lays out the plan perfectly, Don.  But I think we should try to beef up the technical portion a bit.  The boss will really enjoy wading through pages and pages of technical jargon.  I just know he will!”

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(1).  To be under intense pressure.

“Dude, Mike is really behind the eight ball this week.  He’s got three client meetings, two presentations and a date with the hot chick in Accounting who thinks he’s the V.P. in charge of Marketing…which he’s not.”

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(1).  Extra, usually unnecessary, features or services that are used to entice a prospect to buy your product or hire your firm.

“So, this is the Superior, our deluxe model.  It’s got all the bells and whistles you could want…MP3 player, remote control, bluetooth…it’s pretty awesome.  Oh, the flush handle’s right over here…”

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(1).  A caveat added to a promise to complete a task requested after a known or stated deadline, often used by operations to pre-emptively excuse the fact that they have absolutely no intention of completing the annoyingly last-minute request in the first place.

“Well, given that it’s 4:30 on a Friday, running a report of all your transactions since 1996 by the end of the week is going to be on a best efforts basis…”

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(1).  A self-promoting way to describe a firm’s customer service or products, meant to imply that the firm is number one in the industry (a claim for which there is likely no basis and is highly disclaimed in the fine print at the back of the promotional material).

“Team, we’re rolling out our new value proposition to reaffirm to the world our best in class status in the industry.”

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(1).  An unofficial procedure that a small, smug subset of employees deems better than those of their peers.

“Well, as a best practice, my team always sends each of our clients a personalized holiday card and a little tin of cookies.  Our client retention rate is 0.1% better than the firm average, so it’s clearly worth it.”

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(1).  Large databases of information, lots of data.

“Companies will pay a lot of money for big data.”

Props to Lisa M. for the submission.

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(1).  A term often used during long meetings as a euphemism for stopping said meeting so everyone can take a leak.

“Okay, everyone…while this presentation on which design we should use on our promotional flash drives has been riveting, it’s time for a bio break.  Anyone else have to use the big boys’ room?  That’s right, I call it the big boys’ room….no need for lies.”

Props to Kevin B. for the submission.

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(1).  That guy who you always see in the office bathroom who (I guess) drinks coffee at roughly the same pace as you do.

“So, I saw my bio buddy again today.  I’ve got to say, I really would prefer that he leave his Blackberry on his desk.  It’s just gross, man.”

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(1).  A method of passing legislation by agreement of both political parties.  It is usually used to describe legislation which has failed to pass at all.

“We have appointed a bipartisan sub-committee to review the findings of the bipartisan special commitee on the actions of the bipartisan standing committee appointed by Congress in a bipartisan manner to investigate allegations that the bipartisan sub-committee manipulated their findings for partisan purposes.”

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(1).  Shady Internet optimization practices usually performed by nondescript people in Russia, India, Romania, Slovenia, etc….really any country that ends in “ia” applies here.

(2).  Manipulating search engine results by obtaining links from porn sites and gambling sites…or porn sites you can gamble on.

“Black hat, white hat…is all the same as long as you get page one of Google result pages.  Have you been on the Ebay lately?  I see missile silo for sale, crazy things!  I update on the Facebook now!

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(1).  A situation in which a group of co-workers meet to decide who will take the fall for a major screw-up for which nobody wants to accept responsibility.

“Okay, team…we, don’t want to create a blamestorm here, but I think we all know Tom was the one that forgot to send out the presentation…am I right?”

Props to Mary D. for the submission.

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(1).  Getting back to the basics of the job.

“Look, Joe…I think it’s really great that you are writing all of these articles lately.  But, I think you really need to focus on blocking and tackling for a while.  When was the last time you gave any of your clients a call?”

Props to Joyce G. for the submission.

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(1).  An initiative undertaken by a company to produce unlimited opportunities.  It is, of course, a pipe dream that results in over-diversification and, ultimately, a reversion back to the company’s core competencies (see also cultural evolution).

“We’re planning to adopt a blue ocean strategy for 2013.  We’re now going to focus on both importing AND exporting!”

Props to Jack D. for the submission.

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(1).  See best in class.

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(1). A golf reference used to describe piss poor performance on any particular dealing with a client.

“That was really bogey golf right there Scott.  You left the flash drive with the presentation on it in your car, you wore a Spuds MacKenzie tie and to top it all off you didn’t even offer them a Fresca.  Everyone loves Fresca!”

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(1).  An acronym for Buy One, Get One.

(2).  In retail, a term used to describe a sale that lures naive customers into buying surplus, out of season products they will never use, by offering them 2 of these items for the same price.

“Hey Steve, did you see that BOGO sale going on over at Dick’s Sporting Goods?  I know it’s May and the season just ended, but I think I am totally going to get into snowboarding next year!  And if I buy one pair of snow pants, I get a second pair for free!  How can I go wrong?

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(1).  To try to do too much at once, usually resulting in total, abject and complete failure.

“I like where you’re going with this, Jim, but let’s not try to boil the ocean on our first pitch.  Let’s just focus on phase one of the proposal and see where it goes.”

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(1).  To attempt to merge a new application with your current systems, usually resulting in a Frankenstein-looking mess that will decrease efficiency while increasing frustration.

“So, we’re going to bolt on a bill pay program to our banking platform.  It’s going to be great for our clients, but might require a bit more manual intervention by you guys while we work out the kinks.  Merry Christmas!”

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(1).  A conference (1) that requires travel to a hotel or resort (usually connected to a golf course), (2) whose sessions can be easily avoided, and (3) which includes multiple occasions to generously partake of the hotel bar, usually in the form of sponsored cocktail hours.

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(1).  An internal meeting (see pow wow) intended to generate ideas, which quickly devolves into (1) a complaint session about the company, (2) a general discussion on last night’s American Idol results, or (3) one employee explaining all of his or her ideas in detail while the others quietly nod and check their blackberries.

“Team, I really just want this to be a brainstorming session about the direction we want to go in this year, so please feel free to speak your minds.  Okay, to start, Ed will be informing you all of the direction we are going to go in this year.  Ed?”

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(1).  A term used to describe a low-margin business unit (see keep the lights on) which will never, ever be a major profit center, resulting in mediocre pay for its staff, further resulting in mediocre staff.

“Urinal-mint manufacturing is a bread and butter business, people.  We may not be flashy, but we’ll always be able to say that business doesn’t stink.”

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(1).  To have an actual office in another location, often just an unstaffed closet with a phone, allowing the company to advertise a local presence (see boots on the ground) when, in fact, there is none.

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(1).  Cool stuff somebody other than you did (see best practices).

“Some of the bright spots from this year came from our billing department, so kudos to them.  That new practice of getting invoices out with the correct mailing addresses really helped our bottom line.”

Props to David P. for the submission.

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(1).  A day in which the lies parents tell their kids about their job are tested, with moderate to no success.

“Ok Danny, when daddy said he “worked with Derek Jeter”, he didn’t so much mean he played for the Yankees, as he cleans the locker room at Yankee Stadium.”

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(1).  What you’re currently doing.

“I don’t know Vito.  I don’t really categorize what I do as busy work.  I mean, someone has to make sure we have toner, right?”

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(1).  Something everyone wants to have, but no one wants to get.

“This proposal looks great, Alex, but I’d like to get some buy-in from the team before presenting it to the board.  I’m sure they’ll go along with your plan to cut costs by moving everyone into cubes and getting rid of the coffee machine.”

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