Earth Day

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(1).  A national holiday commemorating the first time companies started putting a bin in the pantry for old RSA fobs (see WFH-ing) and Blackberry batteries.

 

“Happy Earth Day everyone!  Today marks the beginning of our green initiative and we will begin to send out all of our invoices electronically.  Clients who still prefer to get a paper copy of their invoice will still receive one of course.  You know what they say, Rome wasn’t built in a day!”

 

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Easy Button

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(1).  A gimmick crafted by the devil himself (Staples) to give people who frequent American Idol concerts and display Troll Dolls on their desks a reason to talk about how hard their job is.

 

(2).  A plastic red button that people display on their desk as an unfunny, out of date conversation piece.

 

“Oh man,  I can’t believe how much work I have to get done today!  Wish I had an easy button to just do it for me!  I’ll bet ya Phil Phillips doesn’t have work like this!  Kelly Clarkson??  She has people doing it for her!!  Cat Deeley is so pretty…..”

 

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Eat The Elephant In One Bite

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(1). A safari inspired term that compares taking on too much work in a short period of time, to eating an elephant.  Yup.

 

“Well David, I don’t want to eat the elephant in one bite here so do we really need the holiday promotion and the clown thing?  I mean, one of these things is not like the other…you know what i mean?”

 

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Eat What You Kill

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(1).  A hunting-inspired term used to explain to new stock brokers that their compensation is completely dependent on their sales numbers.

 

“Sorry, Brian…you eat what you kill around here, you know.  Didn’t hit your numbers, so off to your new life as a barista you go.”

 

Props to Mark R. for the submission.

 

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Ecosystem

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(1).  A customer’s business environment taking into account all exogenous factors (otherwise known as: reality).

 

“What we really want to do is get a sense of the ecosystem in which you operate, Sal.  So, what can you tell us about your waste management business?”

 

Props to Vannprime for the submission.

 

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Efficiencies

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(1).  Mysterious secrets known only to business consultants which are intended to make a company operate in a more proficient and cost-effective manner (see achieve scale).  Usually referenced by project managers to indicate to their superiors that they are adding value, when in reality, they are simply maintaining an endless “to do” list.

 

“Look, Tim, my job here is to find efficiencies that will make us a better business.  Now, if you don’t mind, I have to get back to re-writing our coffee break policies and procedures.”

 

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Efforting

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(1).  To work on something known to be futile.

 

“Oh, hi Jim … the Hanson account? … umm … yeah, we’re efforting to get that through the pipeline this week, but … you know … with year-end and all, it might be delayed a bit … umm … sure, I know it’s a really important client … I’ll touch base with you on Monday, okay? … yep, Merry Christmas to you, too…”

 

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Elevator Speech

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(1).  It’s supposed to be a 15 to 30-second speech that pitches your company to a fictitious prospect you meet in an elevator.  Everyone’s sucks and only speakers in marketing seminars think they work.

 

“Alright, John … so, your elevator speech could use some work.  First off, when someone asks you where you work, you should avoid saying ‘Hell’.”

 

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Email Bomb

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(1). Using the delivery function on Outlook to send an email to make it appear as though you’re in your office when you’re actually at the gym, home, bar, etc.

 

“Wow! Greg was at work awfully early today!”

 

“Do you really think he wrote and sent 9 emails at 6:07 a.m.?  He totally dropped an email bomb.”

 

Props to Jeff Q. for the submission.

 

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Emotional Intelligence

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(1).  Some kind of ridiculous psycho-babble about feeling your client’s pain or some crap.

 

“Alright, team…this is Richard.  He wrote a book on how to improve your emotional intelligence.  I don’t know what it means either, but it sounds like something we should have, so you’re going to spend the rest of the day hearing about it while I hit the range.  Have fun!”

 

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Empire-Building

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(1).  When you only hire people in your department who will never, ever pose a threat to you.  That’s one way to find the “best people”, champ.

 

“So, we’ve had four people come through here that were perfect for the job.  But Florence rejected every one of them.  Trying a little empire-building, I think.  The joke’s on her, though … we’re just going to take away the req.”

 

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Empty Suit

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(1).  Any corporate executive, financial advisor, lawyer or accountant who adds no substance to any situation and are usually present for the purpose of (1) running up fees, or (2) making the client feel important.

 

“Okay guys, Dave and I will be running the meeting.  Steve, you and Sean are just some empty suits in the room to make the team look bigger.  Sell it!”

 

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Endgame

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(1). A term that compares the final stages of a project, to the fight to the death between Jacob Kell and Duncan MacLeod in Highlander.

 

“Well I don’t get it Vito, what’s their endgame here?  Do they want to be the best dog grooming truck on the market or don’t they?  There can be only one!”

 

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Every Finger And Toe Is In The Dike

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(1). A ridiculous term that compares resources being spread too thin, to a human trying to plug a dam that is structurally unsound with their extremities.

 

“Sorry guys, we just don’t have the bandwidth to pull this damn (pun!) project off.  Every finger and toe is in the dike at the moment.”

 

props to Sean C. & Jeff L. for the submission.

 

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Exploratory Interview

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(1).  A job interview your dad got you with a company that’s not hiring.

 

“Next steps?  Well, Jim, this is just an exploratory interview right now, but if something opens up down the road, I’d love to continue our conversation.”

 

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