(1). A last minute decision made by someone who can’t commit to anything in advance.
“Drinks after work? Hmm…I’ll have to make it a game-time decision. Might have a couple of emails to send out today…”
(1). To create a report that can only be run by the IT or Operations department. As the name implies, the report is usually messy and requires a ton of clean up.
“Okay, so the next step would be for Sam to generate the report from his back-end, so we can review and decide where we go from here.”
(1). To proactively address an issue which is identified as potentially dangerous to the firm or a client relationship. The term is often used when trying to quietly clean up an error before the client notices anything is wrong.
(1). To take on a new client that you know is going to cause trouble for you down the road, but is just too lucrative right now to pass up.
(2). To hire a service provider (read: outsource firm) that will be next to impossible to unload once they’re in place.
“You know once we get into bed with these guys, we’re never going to be able to get rid of them. Like the Kardashians.”
(1). A ploy used by senior managers when employees unexpectedly attempt to voice workplace or compensation concerns to push the uncomforatble conversations off to a later date in hopes that (1) the employee will lose the nerve to continue the conversation, or (2) scheduling conflicts will postpone the talk indefinitely.
(1). An obscure legal penalty that has no real possibility of being imposed, but that lawyers like to bring up to scare their clients into hiring them to do more legal work.
“Don’t listen to Maureen, Patty. She just likes telling ghost stories. There’s no way anyone’s ever going to sue us over our use of the word ‘fee’ in our fee schedule. It’s a fee schedule! What else are we supposed to call it!”
(1). This term, unlike its ladylike counterpart glass half full, is used to describe an individual who sees every minute mistake and misstep as nothing short of the apocalypse. These individuals usually ascend the corporate ladder at a meteoric pace and usually wind up running large conglomerates.
“Well guess what everyone? I’m a glass half empty guy. So no, I don’t think Scott sneezing on the managing partner was a sign that we are “comfortable with them.”
(1). A term used to describe an overly optimistic person whose double rainbow point of view usually becomes bothersome to upper management, as well as the rest of the office, and is terminated.
(2). See glass half empty.
“I dunno guys, I think that presentation went pretty well! Call me a glass half full kinda guy, but I thought it was actually a good thing when Scott sneezed on the managing partner…showed we were comfortable with them.”
(1). To pretend to care about the environment.
“Attention everyone. Per the company’s new go green initiative, there is now a recycling bin in the closet.”
(1). IT or Ops term for releasing a new software program or application, intended to create a sense of accomplishment among programmers and processors for a systems-enhancement that will likely go unnoticed.
“We’re planning to go live with the new intranet homepage over the weekend. Great job, everyone! Now our employees will have a slightly nicer-looking webpage to jump to ESPN.com from every morning!”
(1). An artificial deadline for an IT or Ops project to be completed, generally ignored by staff and management alike. The “go live date” may actually occur anywhere between two weeks and three years from the original, stated timeframe.
(1). To forbid employees from keeping paper files, usually resulting in the loss of important documents and higher use of printer paper, due to the constant printing and disposing of PDFs which are either needed for meetings or simply difficult to read online.
(1). A spectacular event in which an employee completely loses his or her marbles and goes all Michael Douglas on the office.
(2). A far less exciting event involving an embarrassingly loud rant about something or other by a disgruntled employee in the breakroom.
“It was crazy. One minute, Judy and I were talking about last night’s Survivor tribal council and the next minute – blagh! – she goes all postal about something Nick said to her about timesheets or whatever. Like that’s what I need at 9 a.m.!”
(1). The time period for which you are going to correct that egregious accounting error your new associate just discovered.
“Thanks for pointing this issue out to us, Caitlin. Even though this has clearly been a problem for years, I think it’s best that we adjust our practice on a go-forward basis.”
(1). When your company gives you just enough money to make you think twice about leaving. Most situations involve some kind of deferred compensation that never seems to vest.
“God, I hate this place! But what am I going to do? They put the golden shackles on me again this year and I don’t see anyone matching it anywhere else…”
(1). A term used to describe a magical pass to a company’s wealth, longevity and success that is usually reserved for upper management.
(1). A half-cocked idea that you came up with, blurted out at the last company sponsored happy hour and your boss accidentally overheard….and loved. It is now your primary function.
“Yes Stan! I love that idea, its definitely got legs! I can’t believe we never thought about selling cigarettes and lighters at the pump!
(1). The failure to stop talking after a client has already agreed to whatever it is you wanted them to do, often causing them to rethink their decision, which in turn results in you going home empty-handed.
“So, the meeting was going great…they agreed to move forward and I was pulling out the paperwork for them to sign…and then here comes Henry! He wouldn’t shut up! He just kept going and going. I can’t remember what he said exactly, but they told us they needed to ‘think about it some more’ and that’s where the meeting ended…talk about grabbing defeat out of the jaws of victory!”
(1). Anything that is deemed valuable or profitable after the original goals of a campaign are met.
“Heck, we already met our goals for this campaign, any extra personal information we get and can sell to a third party is just gravy!”
(1). Where Jeffrey Skilling and Bernie Madoff now go to school.
“Hey, Gil … you should probably stop telling people at the bar that our returns are going to be down next quarter. I’m pretty sure that’s a one-way ticket to Graybar University for a CEO ….”
Props to Tim P. for the submission.
(1). The art of turning a simple PDF into an annoying, electronic form that never has enough room to fit what you want to write or simply adjusts the size of the entry so you can’t make it out at all. The result: you end up printing it off and pen-and-inking all of the entries by hand.
“So, I just finished green fielding the new account documents. It looks great, although, we should probably mention somewhere that you’re limited to 30 characters on every line.”