Labor Day

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(1).  Declared a federal holiday in 1894 by President Grover Cleveland, Labor Day (according to Wikipedia, at least) was originally intended to commemorate the social contributions of the labor unions.  Today, it is the unholy declaration of the end of summer for millions of children and teachers everywhere.  As for the working man, it just means his morning commutes are about to start getting colder and colder each day.

 

“I can’t wait for Labor Day this year!  It means all of my kids are going back to school and my weekends will now be filled with soccer games and gymnastics competitions which for some reason are always scheduled for Sundays at 1 pm!  Hooray!”

 

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Lateral Move

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(1).  The act of quitting a job in favor of the same job at a different company, resulting in zero career advancement and, likely, little to no increase in salary.  Lateral Moves are only acceptable when (1) you are about to be fired, (2) you just got divorced and need to relocate, or (3) you work in Wilmington, Delaware and your new job is in a real city.

 

“Yeah, so I’m happy…I know it’s kind of a lateral move for me, but I think Pets.com is going to be around forever!”

 

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Laugh Test

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(1).  A gauge of viability of a political candidate’s proposals and/or credentials, generally employed by their opponent and the good people at MSNBC (if a Republican) or Fox News (if a Democrat).  Historically, neither candidate passes this test…ever.

 

“C’mon, David…the math behind Mitt’s budget plan doesn’t pass the laugh test!  Now, the President’s plan to spend trillions on programs you’ll never hear from again on the other hand…that’s real change you can believe in!”

 

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Launch

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(1). n – The release of a new product, service offering or application, intended to get empolyees excited about something that likely has no impact on them whatsoever.

 

(2). v – To release a new product, service offering or application.  The term is most often used by IT to allow employees to pretend the application they created (which likely will be used to improve the company’s email inbox capacity) has contributed to the launch of the Starship Enterprise.

 

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Launch Party

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(1). An event that coincides with the launch of a particular product or service.  While usually occurring weeks, if not months after said launch, it is a great reason to get drunk on the company’s dime and prepare for the inevitable downsizing of the development team.

 

“Hey everyone, we are having the launch party at Jamesons on 2nd.  Mark, Joel and Melissa you guys should totally come!  You were crucial to the development and it would be a great networking opportunity for all of you.”

 

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Laundry List

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(1).  A list with no laundry items included.

 

“Hey Boss, I got a guy on the phone over here with a laundry list of complaints about our site.  The question I got is – why does a porn site have a customer service number anyway?!”

 

Props to JG for the submission.

 

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Lawyers’ Hours

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(1).  Endless workdays, typically experienced by junior attorneys, which ultimately lead to either (i) a large bonus based on billable hours, (ii) a speedy move to another industry, or (iii) death.

 

“Still keeping those lawyers’ hours, Bill?  Well, I started a website a while back and now I make my own hours…in between visits to the unemployment office anyway.”

 

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Learning Opportunity

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(1).  A nice way to say “failure”.

 

“Well, Rob … I would consider losing that $100 million account a great learning opportunity for you.  Wherever you end up, I’m sure they’ll appreciate the experience you gained here.”

 

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Leaving the Keys in the Mailbox

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(1).  Spectacularly failing to perform as expected or live up to a responsibility.

 

(2).  Selfishly putting your needs and wants before the clients and your co-workers.

 

“You really left the keys in the mailbox on this one, Andrea.”

 

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Legacy Clients

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(1). A company’s first clients that help them get to the point of notification that they no longer service clients of their size.

 

“Oh god, Bill from Fountains! Fountains! Fountains! is still on board?  I thought we got rid of all of those legacy clients after the merger?  Ok, let’s just send him an email from Ted’s outlook saying that we can no longer service his needs.  Ted?  He won’t care, he’s a team player!”

 

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Lemon

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(1). A product or service offering that never caught on, resulting in a drain on resources and an eventual termination (see stop the bleeding).

 

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Let’s Take That Offline

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(1).  What the host of a conference call says to try to regain control after the call has been hopelessly sidetracked by an irrelevant issue or question.

 

“Hey Tom, thanks for raising that issue, but let’s take that offline so we can get back to actual topic of our call today.”

 

Props to Terry D. for the submission.

 

(2).  May be used to let the room know that leadership is not willing to talk about the subject at hand.

 

“This has been a great discussion, but let’s take that topic offline and move on.”

 

Props to Rob for the submission.

 

 

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Level Of Effort Analysis

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(1).  How Ops or Tech tells you they have no interest in doing whatever it is you want them to do.

 

“Hmm … so, you’d like us to take over the quarterly account performance metrics reporting … well, I think the first step is for us to conduct a level of effort analysis to see if we are able to resource that … we’ll get back to you ….”

 

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Level The Playing Field

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(1).  To try to make your offering measure up to your competitors.  It doesn’t.

 

“So, to level the playing field a bit, we revamped our marketing materials.  Now, we’re using glossy paper and … wait for it … color!”

 

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Leverage

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(1).  To call upon the resources of other areas of the company in order to arrive at a solution for a client request.

 

(2).  To employ the assistance of other areas of the firm, usually used by H.R. or management to suggest that the firm operates as one, cohesive unit, when in actuality it operates as several, disjointed and often combative factions.

 

“Look Susan, I just don’t think your leveraging your resources here enough.  There is absolutely no reason that you can’t ask the person sitting next to you where the bathroom is.”

 

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Line of Communication

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(1).  Another way of describing the sporadic and (most likely) canned emails you send your clients every few months to make it look like you’re regularly in touch with them.

 

“Great talking to you, Richard.  Let’s be sure to keep the line of communication open on that mortgage you’re thinking about.  Remember – I’m here for YOU!”

 

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Link Up

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(1). To request a “connection” with someone on linkedin.com usually used by older, senior managers to (1) appear hip to their junior employees, and (2) keep tabs on employees’ job-seeking activities online.

 

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Liquid Lunch

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(1). Mid-afternoon drinking usually resulting in employees not returning to work for the day.

 

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Literally

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(1).  The opposite of “literally”.

 

“If Bob asks that question again in this meeting, I’m going to literally blow my head off!”

 

Props to T. P. for the submission.

 

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Living Document

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(1).  A presentation, website or white paper continuously edited and tweaked by multiple parties with no end in sight, often resulting in resentment and conflict among the writers (see pride of authorship).

 

“Thanks, everyone, for joining this call to walk through our wastebasket management matrix again.  I think we’re getting close to finalizing it.  As you all know, this is a living document, so please feel free to suggest any changes or edits you might have.”

 

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Lob in a Call

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(1).  To follow up (again) with someone who has repeatedly not gotten back to you.  The term is usually used in response to your bosses asking for a status update.

 

“Sure, Jim, I’ll lob in a call to the attorney to see where he is with our documents.  Although, I’m starting to think it might have been a bad idea to pay him in advance.”

 

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Locked and Loaded

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(1).  It’s decided on and ready to go.

 

“Our new sales plans are locked and loaded, so let’s get out there and sell!”

 

Props to Lisa M. for the submission.

 

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Long Runway

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(1).  The sales process for a prospect who takes a really, really long time to make a decision to hire you to do whatever it is you do.

 

“The Griffin opportunity?  We’ve got a long runway on that one.  This guy took two months to decide whether he was going to try out wearing gray socks to work!”

 

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Loose Lips Sink Ships

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(1).  A term coined during World War II warning people to not openly talk about secure military information that is now used in fear campaigns by The Coca-Cola Company among it’s employees to guard it’s secret formula.

 

“Shhhh, Bryan!!  Listen man, I know you’re new here, but you can’t just go around telling everyone that it’s Pellegrino & Aunt Jemima’s mixed together.  Loose lips sink ships around here, big cola is watching…..”

 

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Low-Hanging Fruit

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(1).  A euphemism for a low-quality class of prospective clients that the firm believes will be easy to “pick off”.  The term is usually used during strategy meetings in which management announces its decision to focus its marketing efforts on higher volume (as opposed to quality of clients) in order to meet its revenue goals.

 

“Okay team, this year we’re going to focus on the low-hanging fruit out there.  How do we do it?  VOLUME!  That’s how we do it!”

 

(2).  A term that describes “easy wins” used by salesmen to give prospective clients a sense of euphoria that you and only you hold the keys to their success.  After the contract is signed, the salesman will then exit the relationship, forever.

 

“What we’ll do first is go after the low-hanging fruit to give you a leg up on your competition.  Once that process is complete, your account manager will explain the plan going forward.”

 

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