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(1). A word consultants and IT guys use to identify systems or processes that decrease worker productivity, in an attempt to develop better methods (also known as efficiencies).
“So, tell me Andy, would you consider the company’s onboarding process one of your pain points? You mentioned in your questionnaire that it takes two weeks and involves seven different levels of approval….hmm…let’s just mark that down as a ‘yes’.”
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(1). A term used by companies to describe a mythical place full of rainbows and lollipops where files are readily accessible online, nothing ever gets lost or misfiled and machines collect dust in darkened copy rooms.
“Everybody, I have big news. This office will be a completely paperless environment by Q1 of 1998.”
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(1). Another way to describe the wish list you are about to present to you boss for that new system you want him to pay for.
“Okay, so this is our paradise analysis for the new custody platform. If we even get a third of this, we’ll be in good very good shape.”
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(1). At conferences you are invited to write out questions/ideas/concerns on a sticky note and place it on a board called the parking lot. You are told someone (from the company running the conference) will go through them and group them into like categories to avoid repetition and then your topics will be addressed.
Translation: Slick guise to placate participants, weed out undesirable topics and zero in on what corporate wants to address.
Props to Cynthia E. for the submission.
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(1). A euphemism for outsourcing certain functions to another firm or service provider, intended to imply that the use of the other provider is to the customer’s benefit, as opposed to simply a cost-saving measure, which it invariably is.
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(1). The easiest way to get at least some of what you want without getting a lot of grief (see push back) for your effort.
“I know asking Melanie to cover my shift sucks, you know, ’cause Melanie sucks…but, she still kinda wants to sleep with me, so it’s the path of least resistance if I want to still hit the Pantera concert show.”
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(1). The act of quickly revising a document by hand and then giving it to someone else to type up. Well done, boss!
“Let me just pen and ink this real quick and I’ll get it right back to you. Sorry in advance about my handwriting…I can barely make it out! Have a nice weekend!”
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(1). An expression often used to snooker a potential hire into accepting a lower salary in exchange for “advancement” or future riches.
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(1). A collection of work-related achievements you add to your “bio” (read: resume) whose only purpose (now that you’ve moved on to another company) seems to have been to allow you to add them to your bio.
“I think writing an article in our trade journal is a great idea, Kenny. It’ll sure help you increase your personal brand…and be good for the company’s reputation, of course.”
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(1). Something my assistant seems to have a lot of, especially when we’re really busy.
“Hi, Tom…I’m going to take a personal day today. What’s going on? I have an interv…umm…dentist appointment…yeah, that’s it…a dentist appointment.”
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(1). Loose money usually kept in the desk drawer of the head of human resources that is used for miscellaneous office expenses or to buy groceries for your siblings in the off chance the babysitter dies.
(2). Cash money.
“We have to economize Sue Ellen! There’s nothing left in petty cash, I’ve taken it all!”
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(1). This expression is used to take ownership of a task or project.
“Mary is going to pick up the ball and run with it and visit the client and help them.”
Props to Brad for the submission.
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(1). A request to waste your time educating me about something you may know slightly more about. Fortunately, your vanity allows you to take this request as a compliment.
“Hey, Jerry, do you mind if I pick your brain for a second? I’m trying to figure out how you keep your hair so manageable…”
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(1). A check to make sure the action you are recommending will help your client sleep better at night.
“The important thing to ask yourself, Mrs. Gilchrist, is whether putting your entire retirement savings into shares of Facebook is going to pass the pillow test. Given the commissions I would make on the trade, I would say ‘yes’.”
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(1). The list of prospective clients your company maintains that never seems to change. You really need to hire better sales reps.
“Well, we have about 50 prospects in the pipeline right now, so we’re doing okay. Well, I suppose we could cull some of these 2003 ones… …okay, well we have about 15 prospects in the pipeline right now, so we’re doing okay.”
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(1). A term that compares making no progress on a particular project, to one urinating on one’s self.
“We’re really just pissing in the wind until you make a decision Jeff. Now c’mon, do you like the glossy or matte finish on the new business cards?”
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(1). A standard PowerPoint presentation used for all prospective clients in which the prospect‘s name is inserted in two or three places to make it appear as if it was prepared just for them.
“Hey Courtney, can you email me a copy of the most recent pitchbook? I just want to make sure all of my phony baloney certifications are listed in my bio.”
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(1). To opportunistically change direction or focus (see shift gears).
“I think we should pivot towards mobile this quarter. Why yes, we do happen to have a mobile department!”
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(1). That guy on your sales team that just oozes “used car salesman”. He actually probably drives a Maserati.
“Ugh…Dan is such a plaid suit! He’d try to sell you his mother’s house if he could…with her still in it!”
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(1). To annoyingly raise hypothetical arguments whose only purpose is to prolong already endless conference calls.
“Before I let you go, let me just play devil’s advocate here…what if we didn’t change the filter in the coffee machine…? What would happen then?”
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(1). To omit some critical piece of information during a sales pitch (i.e. fees, your actual capabilities, etc.).
“Look, Dean … we’re not trying to play hide the ball here! We can’t NOT tell this guy we don’t actually know how to build his website and that your little brother – who’s sixteen by the way – is going to be doing it for us!”
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(1). To repeatedly go back and forth on voicemail without ever actually connecting. You eventually just email the guy with whatever it is you want.
“Hey, it’s Phil again…sorry for playing phone tag the last few days…give me a buzz when you have a moment…well, I’ll be out of the office the rest of the day, so try you on Monday…”
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(1). A term that compares stealing talent from another company to illegally hunting African rhinoceroses for their ivory.
“I have no problem poaching talent from Google. I know last time we hired a wizard it didn’t go exactly as planned, but I got a good feeling about this guy.”
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(1). A misogynistic term that political candidates use when addressing “women’s issues” in an attempt to appear as if they could care less about whatever “women’s issues” are.
“Look, let me be clear…I understand you’re frustrated with the cost of groceries…I do. It’s a real pocketbook issue and I want you to know that I hear you. I also want to take a moment to address the death of soap operas…I’m sorry, do you all still watch soap operas?”
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(1). To inform your boss (usually by voicemail) of an error or other issue before he receives the inevitable angry call from your client.
“Hi, Tom. This is Gil. Hope you’re enjoying your vacation. Umm…just wanted to post you on an issue with the Pupier account. Turns out it’s pronounced ‘pupi-ay’.”
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(1). A really, really complicated way to say slamming the barn door after the horse is gone.
“Alright, now that we’ve converted to the new accounting system, we need to go through our post-implementation review process to make sure it’s going to work. Somehow, I feel we should have asked more questions up front…oh well, too late now!”
Props to A3 for the submission.
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(1). A word intended to describe a politician’s ability to reach across the aisle and get legislation passed by consensus of both parties. We actually have a better chance of seeing the folks at CERN figure out how to go back in time so we can vote all of these morons out of office than finding a post-partisan politician.
“I am my own man. A post-partisan. Not beholden to any political party or special interest group. Well…other than the guys who are funding my campaign ads and stuffing all those ballot boxes for me. I’m a little beholden to those guys.”
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(1). An international tax term used, for some reason, by some European tax authorities in place of “mandatory”, probably as the result of some consultant’s report, the production of which undoubtedly was a waste of taxpayer money.
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(1). A private staff meeting or other euphemism for a group of employees complaining about their co-workers and/or clients in a conference room or office.
(2). A meeting or brainstorming session to come up with ideas and strategies for a particular client…who may or may not be Native Americans.
“We all need to get into a room and have a pow wow. Who’s bringing the cigars?”
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(1). A term used to describe a particularly lavish tie that apparently can tap into the power of Greyskull.
“Hey Mike! What do you think of my new power tie? By the power of Greyskull….I have the powerrrrrrrrr!! Am I right?! Or am I right?!
“I think I need a new job Dave. I think I need a new job.”
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(1). You know who these guys are. You also know you’re never going to be one of them. So there.
“Well, we tried to get our proposal approved today. Unfortunately, the powers that be think it’ll be a much better use of firm resources to hold another ‘top producer’ offsite in Maui. We’re never going to get that new coffee maker now!”
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(1). Resentment of co-workers for edits they have made to something you wrote.
“No, please. Make changes. No pride of authorship here. I just worked on it for three months, no big deal. Looking forward to your thoughts.”
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(1). A term used by EMS and Fire Personnel to describe a patient that waits until 3AM to call for an ambulence for their stubbed toe or sore shoulder.
“Guys, it looks like we have a Priority 3 here. This guy is complaining of severe pain in the hallux region of his foot and he may have a sprain or strain to the small interphalangeal joints. This is gonna be a long night…oh, hey look, a waffle house!”
Props to John H. for the submission.
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(1). Something no one ever has time to be.
“You know, team, we’ve really got to be more proactive with our clients. Anticipate their needs. Call them before they call us. Oh, who am I kidding…get back to filling out that spreadsheet I sent you!”
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(1). A way to refer to a company’s sales force as a collective group without actually using the word “sales”.
(2). An operations term referring to a document or application that is being prepared for release.
“For a change of pace, this year the company is going to focus its hiring and compensation in the production area of the business.”
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(1). A way to attack an issue from multiple fronts, usually suggested by people who can’t decide what to do and try to just throw everything at the problem in hopes that one of their ideas will work.
“Okay, team…we are going to use a three-pronged approach to resolve our recent data security problem. Step 1: Everyone now needs a password to log in to the system. Step 2: Jeff in IT should not have a password. Step 3: Fire Jeff in IT.”
Props to Carlos B. for the submission.
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(1). A software application, program or service offering that is unique to a company (and usually subject to patents or copyrights), often strikingly similar to a dozen other software applications, programs or service offerings by the company’s competitors (and probably designed using pirated software provided by disgruntled ex-employees).
“Alright everyone, we have finally rolled out our proprietary dashboard. It took two years, countless hours and thousands of dollars, but I think we are finally going to be able to pull in Google Analytics! What? Yes, that’s pretty much all it does. No, I don’t think it makes more sense to just log in to Google Analytics. This thing has our logo on it!”
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(1). n. A potential client which is currently being courted by a salesperson. Prospects are generally treated as the most important person in the world during the marketing phase of the relationship. However, once the prospect becomes an actual client, they will receive the same half-interested, annual-meetings-level of service as any of the salesperson’s other clients.
“I’ve got this huge prospect I’m working on right now, Jeff. I don’t want to count chickens, but I’m feeling Bentley right now!”
(2). v. A gold-mining inspired term meaning to seek out new clients, either through direct marketing (i.e. cold calling) or networking (i.e. volunteering for a charity in hopes of meeting new clients). As with gold mining, prospecting often leads to several dead ends, fool’s gold deposits (i.e. clients who lie about their net worth) and occasionally, a gem.
“Sup, Lo-Dawg. I’m gonna need a couple hits for tonight. Going out prospecting at the clubs, yo!”
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(1). To take extraordinary measures to secure a prospective client. “Pulling out all the stops” often includes fee concessions, though broker commissions are rarely part of the concession.
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(1). n. A repeated attempt to obtain a different answer or result, often used while feigning guilt, and even more often resulting in something being escalated to management.
(2). v. To annoyingly attempt to obtain a different answer or result, often (depending on how pushy you are) resulting in some sort of successful outcome.
“Sorry for the push back, Andy, but I really think we should be able to get this done for twenty bips. I’ll take this all the way up the chain of command, if I have to.”
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(1). To dump a ton of work on someone else’s lap.
“I would love to go out for drinks tonight, but I have a ton of work to get done. Let me see if I can push it out on the new associate and I’ll call you back.”
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(1). In finance, to invest newly-received client assets in products offered by the firm. The term is usually uttered by anxious stockbrokers (many of whom have already put down money on a pool or new car) when discussing, internally, clients who are reluctant to approve their investment recommendations.
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(1). To refuse to allocate resources to a project or expenditure, often used by management to avoid telling their employees that the company is never, ever going to spring for new computers.
“I think color monitors are a great idea, Ken. Unfortunately, we’re going to have to put that on the back burner for now. We really need to focus on new company cars for the partners.”
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(1). An expression used to imply that you have been dealing with crises all day, in an attempt to (1) passive-aggressively complain about your job, (2) make yourself seem more important than you actually are, or (3) avoid taking on more work.
“Man, the bigger clients I almost exclusively work on are so demanding! I’ve been putting out fires all afternoon. I wish I worked on smaller, less meaningful clients like you, Jaime. My life would be so much easier!”
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(1). To try to do too much at once, usually resulting in total, abject and complete failure.
“I like where you’re going with this, Jim, but let’s not try to boil the ocean on our first pitch. Let’s just focus on phase one of the proposal and see where it goes.”
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(1). To bring a group of decision-makers together on a decision (often with difficulty).
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