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(1). What you always call something you’ve been doing for years that you now suspect no one else does anymore, in an attempt to make it sound like they’re the ones who’ve got it wrong.
“Wait a minute…isn’t it still S.O.P. to keep a second set of books for all of the cash-only sales we close?”
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(1). A suggestion made during a meeting or conference call to make sure everything being discussed makes sense (see take a step back, smell test). “Sanity Checks” usually result in the discussion being tabled until a later date while the topic (which invairably makes no sense) is being researched further.
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(1). The process of getting a law passed by Congress. The law will ultimately include a multitude of irrelevant and contradictory provisions, ensuring lawyers and accountants will remain employed for years to come, which was likely the goal in the first place.
“What does this provision mean, anyway? Can I veto it? Why can’t I veto it? I’m the President, for Christ’s sake! Can’t we ever get something through Congress without all the sausage making? Maybe I’ll just declare myself President for Life…can I do that?”
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(1). The slow, silent expansion of responsibilities by an operations department or, worse, an outsourced service provider. Scope Creep is usually only discovered after you receive an outsized bill or you realize that your job has somehow been centralized in a foreign country.
“Aren’t we a little concerned about scope creep here, Mike? Remember what happened when we centralized our client service reps a few years ago – all of sudden we had 200 guys in Bangalore calling themselves ‘Steve from Dallas’!”
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(1). To bug, bother, and otherwise annoy customers who have already said their purchase decision is months away to see if you can squeeze a purchase order from them anyway. Frequently used at month or quarter-end.
“Boy, Drew…you’ve been on the phone all day today. Trying to scrub the funnel before comp day, eh?”
Props to Sean for the submission!
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(1). Special skills, products or abilities that you try to make prospects believe your company has that no one else has, when in reality, everyone just sells the same crap.
“I mean, c’mon, it’s not like we have some secret sauce that makes us better than anybody else! We sell toilet seats, for gods’ sakes!”
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(1). A term generally used when providing negative feedback intended to imply that a particular empolyee is lazy or takes an inordinate amount of time to complete tasks. Over-caffeinated junior stockbrokers often use the term to describe the pace of action by other, non-commission-based areas of the firm (e.g. operations), implying that only they are truly providing adequate service to their clients (when, in actuality, all they really care about is getting paid faster).
“Hi Jim, it’s Pierce. Hope you’re doing well. Just wanted to check in on the hold-up with the Altman account. You know this is a really important client to the firm and I just don’t think you’re showing the same sense of urgency we are about getting this account open. Now, I understand today is Christmas, but…”
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(1). (v) – The mysterious art of blending the right amount of keywords with the right amount of content so that Google will rank your website highly in the SERP’s. It is truly the definition of tedium.
(2). (n) – A very sad, misunderstood individual that Matt Cutts keeps picking on.
(3). India’s chief export.
“Does anybody know what this SEO thing is? All I got from that presentation was some crap about keywords, meta tags and Google. And why did that guy keep saying, “Content is king”?”
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(1). To weed out the meat of a presentation (a.k.a. the quote) from all of the marketing fluff.
“This all looks great, Don. But I’m having a little trouble separating the wheat from the chaff here. Can you let me know where I can find the fee? … Oh, there it is – footnote 34 in Appendix K…got it.”
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(1). An acronym for Search Engine Result Page that hip SEO’s use to make their tedious job sound cool. (it’s not)
“So you want to rank for the term “butter”. Hmm, I’m not going to lie to you guys, there’s a lot of competition in the SERP’s for that one. How about, “salty butter”. That has a nice ring to it.”
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(1). In finance, a term used to describe client assets currently managed by the firm. Usually used during sales staff meetings to encourage employees to get their existing clients to increase the size of their relationship with the firm, often through cross-pollination.
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(1). To refine an analysis or proposal after a client tells you to try again. The term is typically heard during an embarrassing tap dance after the materials your new analyst prepared for the meeting ended up being a total mess. Next time, you might want to take a peek at the book before you walk into the the meeting, champ.
“I hear what you’re saying, Peter, and we’ll go back after we break up here, sharpen our pencils and get those new estimates to you ASAP … in the meantime, any updates on our last three invoices? Just checking…”
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(1). A racing-inspired term for changing the subject during a meeting or conference call, usually used when the discussion has drifted into uncomfortable territory for one or more participants and they wish to bring it back to a more friendly or positive topic.
“Okay, why don’t we shift gears here and get back to the holiday promotion. I don’t like where this ‘you guys don’t pay your bills’ conversation is going.”
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(1). A mysterious individual, usually masked, who invests in a business but remains behind the scenes in order to protect their identity. This is usually because:
(a). They do not want to be associated with the product or service if it fails.
(b). They do not want to be bothered with the day to day operations of said business.
(c). They just want to be the “money guy” and make it rain.
(d). It is their brother-in-law’s “business” and their sister really needs the money.
(2). Batman.
“Hey Jesse, I got this new business idea and I’m gonna let you get in on the ground floor. It’s totally legit and you can be my silent partner. Ok, just close your eyes and think of this, “fireworks”. I can make them in my basement and no one else in New York sells em….it’s foolproof!
0-400
(1). To split your people into departments in order to operate more efficiently…and to get the weirdos on your staff as far away from clients as possible.
“I think we’re big enough now that we should consider silo-ing off some special functions. Hey Sam, how would you like to run the new Copying and Printing Department?”
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(1). An elderly man or woman who uses the Internet to do anything a normal, youthful person would do.
“Us older gentlemen call ourselves ‘silver surfers‘ when we look for pornography on the Internet. Makes it sound more distinguished.”
0-400
(1). A term used to describe staffing on (a) the day after Thanksgiving, (b) a Friday in August, or (c) any day on which your boss is traveling.
“Well, we’re running with a bit of a skeleton crew today, so I’m thinking you should probably call back on Monday. Have a great weekend!”
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(1). Funds placed in relatively safe, income-oriented investments, intended to convince a conservative-minded client to invest other money in much more risky (read: expensive) investment than they otherwise would.
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(1). A term used to describe something that takes a really, really, REALLY long time to show any sort of return. Like running a website about corporate jargon.
“Well Alan, SEO is a real slow burn. I realize that you believe everyone is looking for homemade marmalade on Google, but I don’t know if this is the right channel for you to focus on.”
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(1). (pronounced “smee”) - Subject-matter expert; used by information technology trainers to denote users who already know how to use the program for which the training is being given, identifiable by their eyes constantly drifting to their blackberries or the low-cut blouse worn by the woman sitting next to them.
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(1). Negative ads and rhetoric designed to focus everyone’s attention on some insignificant detail of a candidate’s past (and away from his opponent’s lack of qualifications). So, in other words, every campaign ever.
“This is ridiculous! It’s just a blatant smear campaign by the Senator in an attempt to make it look like I cheat on my wife. It’s disgraceful! I only cheated on my wife that one time…last week…with my secretary…in my kid’s room.”
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(1). A term used by salesmen to make their job sound more pleasant when in fact they are just cold calling. While usually used as a vote of confidence, it actually means they are nervous about hitting their numbers, and dying a little bit on the inside.
(2). The process of salesmen disturbing you at work during lunch, instead of at home during dinner.
“I’m just smiling and dialing until one hits…please dear god let one or two hit, I knew I shouldn’t have bought that boat, I live in Ohio, why did I buy a boat?!”
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(1). A term used as a backhanded, self-serving way to tell everyone in the company about your “great” idea.
(2). To ask around internally to get co-workers’ thoughts on a particular issue.
“Oh my god yes! Splash pages. We need to get more splash pages up on the website…great idea I just came up with right? Let’s socialize it and let’s see what everyone thinks.”
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(1). A term used when telling someone (usually a lawyer) that they are providing useless or impractical advice.
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(1). A segment of a certain market or industry.
“Since we’re looking to penetrate the ultra-high net worth space, I think we might want to stop giving out toasters to new customers. Oh, and we should stop calling them ‘customers’.”
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(1). To spout nonsense in front of all of your co-workers on a topic you know nothing about.
“Now, I’m just spitballing here, but I think we should really consider a company mascot. How about Cathy, the Catheter Manufacturing Stickbug. Thoughts?”
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(1). A fancy way of saying “temp”.
“Well, with comp time right around the corner, we’re going to need a little staffing insurance policy in case we lose a bunch of people going into the busy season.”
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(1). Taking time off of work and just sitting in your house or (more likely) your apartment, instead of actually going somewhere. This is usually due to your lack of motivation, lack of money, or (again, more likely) lack of friends.
(2). When you take time off of work, stay at home, and try to convince yourself you’re happy to have the “quiet time at home”, when in reality, you are just too broke to go anywhere worthwhile.
“Yea I’m really looking forward to next week. Got myself a little staycation. Gonna catch up on the ol’ DVR, read a book, maybe even order out a few times! I dunno, the possibilities are endless!”
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(1). A reward for reaching a client’s goals which is usually a gift certificate to your local Olive Garden or Applebees. While you can get a steak at both of these establishments, we wouldn’t recommend it.
0-400
(1). What your secretary tells people you don’t want to talk to on the phone.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Williamson had to step away for a minute … can I take a message? You’d like to hold? Hmmm … perhaps I should just put you through to voicemail…”
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(1). A term used by EMS and Fire Personnel to describe a dead body much like Chunk did in “The Goonies” to describe the dead body in the Fratellis basement freezer.
“It’s a stiiiiiiiiiiiiffffffff!!!!!!”
Props to John H. for the submission.
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(1). To sell, stop operating or simply stop paying for an unprofitable company or business unit in order to conserve capital for other things.
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(1). A term used by salespeople in struggling business units to generally describe their service pitch to clients and intermediaries, meant to impart an endearing and almost human quality on the offering.
“I think we have a compelling story to tell about our expertise in the powdered milk space. Now, let’s hit those phones!”
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(1). A subcontractor who does all of the actual work.
“We work with several strategic partners in order to bring you the best client experience possible. I will be quarterbacking the relationship, of course.”
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(1). What your boss with the B.A. in Sociology tells people when asked where he went to B-School.
“Well, I consider myself a student of the industry. Why, I remember when we were still making cold calls on a rotary phone! So, you said your dad’s a CFO of something or other? Would love to meet him sometime!”
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(1). A positive-sounding way to describe a poor condition or situation, in an attempt to maintain the illusion that all conditions or situations are actually good ones.
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(1). A period of time between Memorial Day and Labor Day in which a company (usually a small business) closes around 3 p.m. on Fridays so the bosses can go golfing.
“Okay, team. Now that we’re into Summer Fridays, I want everyone to stay until at least 7, Monday through Thursday, so we don’t lose the billable hours. Oh, and FYI, I’ll be out for the next couple of weeks with limited access to voicemail and email.”
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(1). To retire or stop supporting due to age. Usually referring to old programming or a product.
“It’s time to sunset that widget, there are much cooler ones on the market today.”
Props to Lisa M. for the submission.
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(1). During a systems integration, areas where the old and new technology can easily (read: cheaply) be linked.
“Okay, so I’m sure we’ll be able to identify some swim lanes when we’re drawing up the functional spec for the custody conversion project.”
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(1). To immediately process and hand something off.
“The data will be swivel chaired into the ASYLUM management tool. Boy, we really need to start coming up with better acronyms for our applications…”
Props to Kyle B. for the submission.
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(1). To change it up, or re-tool.
“We need to swizzle that idea so we get more buy-in.”
Props to Lisa M. for the submission.
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(1). A specialty or area of expertise. The term is often used to avoid answering a question you don’t know the answer to.
“Well, international taxation of fishing leases isn’t exactly my bailywick, but I have a few partners who’ll be able to help you. I took the liberty of inviting all of them to this meeting.”
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(1). A common expression used when confirming that two or more people are clear on what they are supposed to be doing, usually used when one person appears to be completely unclear on what he is supposed to be doing.
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