T’s And C’s

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(1). An extremely douchey way to say Terms and Conditions.

 

“Hey Pauly, can you read me those t’s and c’s one more time bro?  I wanna make sure this self tanner I’m gonna endorse is on the up and up, yaknowwhaaadimean?  What?  Cabs are here?  CABS ARE HEAHHH!!!”

 

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Table

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(1). To put off a project or discussion topic for a later time, often to avoid work.

 

“Hey Tom, how about we just table this for the time being.  I know the deadline is today, but and I’m just not in the mood to discuss the company’s health benefit renewal. It’s just too damn nice outside.”

 

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Table Stakes

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(1).  A term used to describe established, non-negotiable beliefs and practices that your firm stands for.  Not stakes that you keep on your kitchen table in case of unexpected vampire attacks.

 

“We have to throw these down as our table stakes, guys.  If they don’t like it then they’ll have to find another wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tubeman distributor.  While we certainly stand for fun, low-balling us on shipping rates is no laughing matter!”

 

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Tailwind

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(1). A nautical term describing favorable conditions which should facilitate positive results.

 

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Take A Victory Lap

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(1). In finance, to sell investments that have appreciated quickly in an attempt to lock in profits.  The phrase is used by financial advisors when speaking with clients to provide them with a sense of accomplishment that will; 1 lead to their approval, and 2  allow the advisor to gloss over the poor performance of other investments in the portfolio.

 

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Take It to the Next Level

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(1).  A common phrase used by sales managers to encourage their employees to work longer hours and more aggressively market their products.  The phrase is intended to imply that there is potentially more they could be doing to sell to new clients, when in reality, it is simply a ploy to make it appear management has a longer term plan for the company.

 

“Team, we really need to take it to the next level if we’re going to continue to claim to be the premier firm in the feral hog extermination industry.”

 

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Take Ownership

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(1).  To very publicly assume responsibility for a certain project or assignment so that your bosses will notice (see go-getter) in the hope that it will lead to either a promotion, raise or both.

 

“Gil, we’re impressed at how you’ve really taken ownership of this project and made it your own.  Now, I’m not exactly thrilled that you’ve devoted so much of your work day to planning the office Christmas party, but…”

 

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Tap Dance

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(1). To avoid answering a question you either don’t know the answer to or don’t want to answer by spouting a lot of irrelevant (yet intelligent-sounding) nonsense.

 

“So, the client asks Tom here why we went so over budget on his project and Tom starts doing his little tap dance about how we hit some unforeseen complications…they hired us to do it right…blah, blah, blah.  Classic.”

 

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Team Up

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(1). A request or demand for a meeting (see pow wow) by an over-caffeinated middle manager to his much younger employees in a vain attempt to appear hip.

 

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Teambuilding

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(1).  To organize annoying social events for your employees thinking they just need to spend even more time together to start getting along.

 

“Okay, guys…I think with the disappointing comp numbers and recent defections, we could use a little teambuilding around here.  So…we’re going bowling!”

 

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Teambuilding Event

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(1).  What you call a charge on your company card for a night at a strip club with two guys from Accounting.

 

“Oh, hi Alison…the $1,000 charge on my card at Wiggles? …umm…thought I would take the troops out after work for a little teambuilding event.  Your office? …sure, I can come down to your office…”

 

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Teaming

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(1).  A term lazy employees in open-space seating use to justify the hours they spend turned around in their chairs, talking to the people sitting around them about everything except work.

 

“Hey, boss.  Oh, Mike and I were just teaming about the Huntzberger account.  No…I don’t think the part about the movie I watched last night on Skinemax was relevant to the discussion…”

 

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Teaming Table

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(1).  An utterly useless object, akin to a coffee table, that sits in the spaces between groups of non-trader employees trapped at trading desks (or pods) to give them the illusion that they have a conference room or other private gathering place.

 

(2).  A repository for unfiled papers, trade journals and half-eaten office birthday party cake.

 

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Tee It Up

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(1).  To bring it up, start the conversation around it.

 

“When we get to budgets, I’ll let you tee up that conversation.”

 

Props to Lisa M. for the submission.

 

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Telecommute

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(1). A term coined in the 90’s used to describe working from home or other remote location.

 

(2). Sitting on your couch and checking email from your phone every 15 minutes while playing Skyrim.

 

“Hey you guys catch that episode of Twin Peaks on Monday?  I taped it and watched it on my new VCR while I was telecommuting yesterday.  That show is crazy, it’s never going off the air!” 

 

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Temperature Check

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(1).  A scientific experiment designed to determine how badly you’ve screwed something up.

 

“We need to take a temperature check to see how mad the customer is that we missed our deadline.”

 

Props to Terry D. for the submission.

 

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Tempest In A Teapot

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(1).  Something completely overblown that’s really not a big deal at all.

 

(2).  Something Jamie Dimon really wishes he never said.

 

“Now Legal wants to get involved with this?  That’s ridiculous!  This is just a tempest in a teapot.  So what if we lost millions of client dollars by betting it all on the pass line!  That’s why they call it gambl…investing, isn’t it?!”

 

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Tentacles

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(1).  What you are going to spread into every corner of your company’s operations, thereby ensuring your job security and, conceptually at least, an easy transition to your boss’s job when he retires.

 

“I’ve got my tentacles in so many things now, it’s going to be near impossible to get rid of me!”

 

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Termed

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(1).  A cheesy way of saying “fired”.

 

“I reached out to Bob this morning to let him know he was termed.  He didn’t take it well…hear all those sirens?”

 

Props to John D. for the submission!

 

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TGIF

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(1).  Something that woman in your office who collects naked trolls says after complaining about all of the mindless work she left until Friday to finish.

 

“I can’t believe I have so many emails to clean out of my inbox today!  Oh well…TGIF, right?”

 

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The Internet Of Things

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(1).  A term coined by Kevin Ashton in 2009 that speaks to the concept of machines talking to machines and learning our habits so that less waste and loss is created.  While this is a great idea in theory, it’s basically saying that one day refrigerators, toasters, televisions, etc. will eventually revolt against the human race and take over the world.  I don’t know about you, but I have no problem opening my refrigerator, seeing I am out of eggs, and then going to the store to restock said eggs.

 

(2).  Skynet.

 

“Hey Steve, you hear about this Internet of Things stuff?  Google’s acquisition of Nest is going to change the way we talk to our devices!  Everything is going to be connected and I’ll never run out of toilet paper again!  What?  So the device has to be connected to the internet?  Hmm…there has to be a company somewhere in Japan that has an internet-enabled toilet.  Ok, we’re going off the rails a bit here, but once I find or invent that toilet, life is gonna be great!”

 

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Think Outside The Box

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(1).  Allegedly to come up with ideas or solutions that are novel and unique (also prohibitively expensive and often slightly illegal).

 

“Okay, guys, if we’re going to make this spot exciting, we’re going to have to think outside the box a bit … now, when you think hypoallergenic adult undergarments, what’s the first thing that pops into your head?  Tom, go!”

 

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Thought Leader

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(1).  A corporate shill who incessantly spouts the company line and is always sickeningly positive about everything.  He will be your boss within eighteen months.

 

“Just look at Paul over there!  He’s a real thought leader here at the firm.  Always looking for ways to find efficiencies and cost-cutting solutions.  Come to think of it, almost all of his solutions involve consolidating roles…in him…hmmm…”

 

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Thought Process

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(1).  A frequently misused term intended, we think, to indicate there’s some real brain power behind whatever meaningless opinion you’re about to tell us.

 

“So, my thought process is this … if we move the accounting staff to the other end of the hall and the marketing department closer to my office, we should be able to maximize our potential for better-looking interns in the second quarter.”

 

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Thoughts?

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(1).  The last word you ask a co-worker in an email in which you forward another email you received to which you either (a) don’t know how to respond, or (b) don’t want to respond.  Also see punt.

 

“Hi Tom:

 

Below is an email I received from Compliance regarding why we seem to have an unusually high frequency of wire fraud in our accounts.  Thoughts?

 

Thanks a bunch,

Lou”

 

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Throw Under The Bus

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(1).  To blame something completely on a colleague that you probably had as much to do with as he did.

 

“Paul totally threw me under the bus on that call this morning!  He was the one who forgot to order more K-Cups, not me!  And what the hell are we having a call about K-Cups for anyway!”

 

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thx

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(1).  What people start ending emails with after being promoted to senior management.

 

“Got it.  thx  (FYI – This is all you’re going to get out of them, so just consider it an approval.  They’ll never know.)

 

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Tick and Tie

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(1).  To double-check your half-assed work before anyone sees it.

 

“Hey, Jim.  I’m going to need to you stay late tonight.  I just want to tick and tie everything in our presentation before sending it out.”

 

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To His / Her Point

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(1).  An annoying, and grammatically incorrect, segue used to simultaneously sound like you were paying attention in a meeting and stroke your boss’ ego by agreeing with, or basically repeating, what they’ve just said – before adding your own idea gem.

 

To Jesse’s point, I think it’s a great idea to spend the event budget on those adorable dancing dogs; and we should definitely have them incorporate our logo into their choreography.”

 

Props to Marlayna R. for the submission.

 

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Too Many Cooks In The Kitchen

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(1). A cooking inspired term that is used to describe when too many people have been brought in on a project and it muddies the water.  This usually results in whining, arguments and overcooked souffles.

 

“There are definitely too many cooks in the kitchen on their end.  We were on the phone with them for over an hour and all we got out of it was the name they may or may not use, Joan’s dogs name and what sounded like half a lunch order.”

 

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Top Notch

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(1).  How your sales guys describe the way you service your clients.  Of course, they don’t know about your “Clients Are All Morons” blog.

 

“I’d like to introduce you to Alex, your new account officer.  I know Alex will provide you with the top notch service you’ve come to expect from us.”

 

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Top of Mind

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(1).  Something everyone wants to be, but only the guy with the lowest fee ever is.

 

“Okay, Monica.  I want you to try to get in front of this prospect next week to make sure we’re staying top of mind here.  Sleep with him, if you have to!  … I’m going to be fired, aren’t I?”

 

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Touch Base

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(1).  See ping.

 

Also, a musing:  “This one makes no sense.  In baseball, two runners can’t occupy the same base.  And the infielder is on the other team.  So who are we touching base with?”

 

Props to Mike R. for the submission.

 

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Touch Wood

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(1).  A seriously creepy way to say “knock on wood”.  Just say “knock on wood”, Ariel Castro.

 

Touch wood, but I think we really have a shot at getting approval for that new water cooler we asked for.”

 

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Touch-Base Call

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(1).  A conference call used to accomplish something for which a three-word email would have worked just fine.

 

“Okay, sounds good…let’s just schedule a quick touch-base call next Tuesday to check up on status…I’ll send out the meeting request.”

 

 

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Touchdown Station

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(1).  An office or desk the company keeps open for employees visiting from other regions.  You know, the one where you set up your hot plate and keep all of your unfiled papers.

 

“Oh, hey Jim.  In from Seattle, eh?  You can use the touchdown station over there.  And if you want something to eat, there’s a fridge under the desk with someone’s yogurt and a couple of Kit Kats from Halloween, I think.”

 

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Town Hall Meeting

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(1).  A full staff meeting where employees are supposed to be able to pose questions to upper management.  They can’t.  All questions are plants.  Just keep quiet and you won’t get fired.

 

“Thank you, everyone, for dialing in today.  This town hall meeting is an important forum for all of us to talk openly and honestly about the business.  All questions should be directed to that burning oildrum behind the building.  Now, our first agenda item is ‘cost reductions’…”

 

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Traction

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(1).  Used to refer to (in)ability to make progress (e.g. on an initiative or project).

 

“Team, if we stay focused on our deliverables, then maybe we can get some traction on this project.”

 

Props to Scott P. for the submission.

 

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Train Neighbor

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(1).  Your new best friend at 6am that loves to:

 

– Tell you about their grandchildren.

– Where they’re “headin”.

– What they ate for breakfast.

– Their medical problems.

– Fall asleep on you.

– Ask you if this is the train to Penn.

– Tell you about the “big” project they’re working on.

– Make a phone call that you, and all the other riders, unwillingly participate in.

– Talk about Obama.

 

“Hey buddy, mind if I sit next to ya?  Guess we’re train neighbors for the morning.  I’ll try not to get up to use the bathroom too much, my granddaughter always does, she’s great.  I’m headin’ to New Jersey, gotta take the Amtrak.  This is the train to Penn right?  Had an omelet for breakfast, that probably wasn’t a good idea.  Got a big meeting today for this project I’ve been working on for the last year.  Man I’m tired.  Oh, hold on, I gotta take this call.  Hi Barry.  HI BARRY, I DON’T HAVE GREAT RECEPTION, I’M ON THE TRAIN.  NO, IT’S NOT A QUIET CAR.  CRAZY ABOUT THIS GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN, RIGHT?”

 

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Transition

& filed under .

 

(1). n – The process of replacing a service provider, usually used by the replacement as a polite euphemism for the sacking of the former when attempting to get information from them.

 

(2). v – To move an account from one service provider to another, usually used by the new provider during correspondence or conversations with the former in order to avoid reminding them that they have been fired.

 

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Trust Officer

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(1).  A bank employee who’s not exactly a lawyer, but not exactly a broker.  He receives no commission for bringing in new business and often is required to say “no” to his clients for seemingly mundane requests.  He … oh, who cares?  Just think Jane Hathaway from The Beverly Hillbillies and you’ve got the idea.

 

“So, Eugene … you’re a trust officer … okay, so what exactly does a trust officer do … ?  Hmm … I’m not sure those skills translate to anything we are looking for right now.  Thanks for coming by, though, I’m sure you’re a valued part of the team over there at [insert bank name].”

 

Happy 500th term, CheesyCorporateLingo.com!

 

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Turbo Charge

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(1).  Term used to sell a super-expensive yet totally useless idea to a client.

 

“We’re gonna turbo charge your pet food campaign by live-casting happy marmots dancing on the moon on your custom YouTube channel!  You know…the Internet loves funny animals nowadays….”

 

Props to Laurent P. for the submission.

 

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Two Guys And A Dog

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(1). Used to refer to a sales team with insufficient resources or seniority.  Often used in a self-deprecating way to refer to one’s own efforts to land new clients, while at the same time having the alternative meaning of the sales leader overcoming the insufficiencies of his organization and persisting to win new clients.

 

“We just completed the European tour.  It’s tough man, just two guys and a dog.  But we did have good traction with a couple key accounts.”

 

Props to Adam T. for the submission!

 

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Xanax

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(1).  What most people take after work, but what teachers take before work.  God bless our children.

 

“Ugh…I’ve got lunch duty today.   Good thing I sprinkled some Xanax into my coffee this morning…”

 

Props to V for the submission.

 

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