BROWSE:

(1). An extremely douchey way to say Terms and Conditions.

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(1). To put off a project or discussion topic for a later time, often to avoid work.

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(1).  A term used to describe established, non-negotiable beliefs and practices that your firm stands for.  Not stakes that you keep on your kitchen table in case of unexpected vampire attacks.

“We have to throw these down as our table stakes, guys.  If they don’t like it then they’ll have to find another wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tubeman distributor.  While we certainly stand for fun, low-balling us on shipping rates is no laughing matter!”

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(1). A nautical term describing favorable conditions which should facilitate positive results.

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(1). To try to re-focus a discussion that has drifted into a hypertechnical area (see in the weeds) back to the bigger picture.

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(1). In finance, to sell investments that have appreciated quickly in an attempt to lock in profits.  The phrase is used by financial advisors when speaking with clients to provide them with a sense of accomplishment that will; 1 lead to their approval, and 2  allow the advisor to gloss over the poor performance of other investments in the portfolio.

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(1).  A common phrase used by sales managers to encourage their employees to work longer hours and more aggressively market their products.  The phrase is intended to imply that there is potentially more they could be doing to sell to new clients, when in reality, it is simply a ploy to make it appear management has a longer term plan for the company.

“Team, we really need to take it to the next level if we’re going to continue to claim to be the premier firm in the feral hog extermination industry.”

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(1).  To very publicly assume responsibility for a certain project or assignment so that your bosses will notice (see go-getter) in the hope that it will lead to either a promotion, raise or both.

“Gil, we’re impressed at how you’ve really taken ownership of this project and made it your own.  Now, I’m not exactly thrilled that you’ve devoted so much of your work day to planning the office Christmas party, but…”

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(1). To avoid answering a question you either don’t know the answer to or don’t want to answer by spouting a lot of irrelevant (yet intelligent-sounding) nonsense.

“So, the client asks Tom here why we went so over budget on his project and Tom starts doing his little tap dance about how we hit some unforeseen complications…they hired us to do it right…blah, blah, blah.  Classic.”

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(1). A building with a store downstairs and an apartment upstairs.

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(1). A request or demand for a meeting (see pow wow) by an over-caffeinated middle manager to his much younger employees in a vain attempt to appear hip.

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(1).  To organize annoying social events for your employees thinking they just need to spend even more time together to start getting along.

“Okay, guys…I think with the disappointing comp numbers and recent defections, we could use a little teambuilding around here.  So…we’re going bowling!”

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(1).  What you call a charge on your company card for a night at a strip club with two guys from Accounting.

“Oh, hi Alison…the $1,000 charge on my card at Wiggles? …umm…thought I would take the troops out after work for a little teambuilding event.  Your office? …sure, I can come down to your office…”

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(1).  A term lazy employees in open-space seating use to justify the hours they spend turned around in their chairs, talking to the people sitting around them about everything except work.

“Hey, boss.  Oh, Mike and I were just teaming about the Huntzberger account.  No…I don’t think the part about the movie I watched last night on Skinemax was relevant to the discussion…”

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(1).  An utterly useless object, akin to a coffee table, that sits in the spaces between groups of non-trader employees trapped at trading desks (or pods) to give them the illusion that they have a conference room or other private gathering place.

(2).  A repository for unfiled papers, trade journals and half-eaten office birthday party cake.

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(1).  To bring it up, start the conversation around it.

“When we get to budgets, I’ll let you tee up that conversation.”

Props to Lisa M. for the submission.

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(1). A term coined in the 90′s used to describe working from home or other remote location.

(2). Sitting on your couch and checking email from your phone every 15 minutes while playing Skyrim.

“Hey you guys catch that episode of Twin Peaks on Monday?  I taped it and watched it on my new VCR while I was telecommuting yesterday.  That show is crazy, it’s never going off the air!” 

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(1).  A scientific experiment designed to determine how badly you’ve screwed something up.

“We need to take a temperature check to see how mad the customer is that we missed our deadline.”

Props to Terry D. for the submission.

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(1).  Something completely overblown that’s really not a big deal at all.

(2).  Something Jamie Dimon really wishes he never said.

“Now Legal wants to get involved with this?  That’s ridiculous!  This is just a tempest in a teapot.  So what if we lost millions of client dollars by betting it all on the pass line!  That’s why they call it gambl…investing, isn’t it?!”

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(1).  What you are going to spread into every corner of your company’s operations, thereby ensuring your job security and, conceptually at least, an easy transition to your boss’s job when he retires.

“I’ve got my tentacles in so many things now, it’s going to be near impossible to get rid of me!”

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(1).  A cheesy way of saying “fired”.

“I reached out to Bob this morning to let him know he was termed.  He didn’t take it well…hear all those sirens?”

Props to John D. for the submission!

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(1).  Something that woman in your office who collects naked trolls says after complaining about all of the mindless work she left until Friday to finish.

“I can’t believe I have so many emails to clean out of my inbox today!  Oh well…TGIF, right?”

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(1).  Allegedly to come up with ideas or solutions that are novel and unique (also prohibitively expensive and often slightly illegal).

“Okay, guys, if we’re going to make this spot exciting, we’re going to have to think outside the box a bit … now, when you think hypoallergenic adult undergarments, what’s the first thing that pops into your head?  Tom, go!”

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(1).  A corporate shill who incessantly spouts the company line and is always sickeningly positive about everything.  He will be your boss within eighteen months.

“Just look at Paul over there!  He’s a real thought leader here at the firm.  Always looking for ways to find efficiencies and cost-cutting solutions.  Come to think of it, almost all of his solutions involve consolidating roles…in him…hmmm…”

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(1).  To blame something completely on a colleague that you probably had as much to do with as he did.

“Paul totally threw me under the bus on that call this morning!  He was the one who forgot to order more K-Cups, not me!  And what the hell are we having a call about K-Cups for anyway!”

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(1).  What people start ending emails with after being promoted to senior management.

“Got it.  thx“  (FYI – This is all you’re going to get out of them, so just consider it an approval.  They’ll never know.)

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(1).  An annoying, and grammatically incorrect, segue used to simultaneously sound like you were paying attention in a meeting and stroke your boss’ ego by agreeing with, or basically repeating, what they’ve just said – before adding your own idea gem.

“To Jesse’s point, I think it’s a great idea to spend the event budget on those adorable dancing dogs; and we should definitely have them incorporate our logo into their choreography.”

Props to Marlayna R. for the submission.

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(1). A cooking inspired term that is used to describe when too many people have been brought in on a project and it muddies the water.  This usually results in whining, arguments and overcooked souffles.

“There are definitely too many cooks in the kitchen on their end.  We were on the phone with them for over an hour and all we got out of it was the name they may or may not use, Joan’s dogs name and what sounded like half a lunch order.”

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(1). See blue ribbon.

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(1).  Something everyone wants to be, but only the guy with the lowest fee ever is.

“Okay, Monica.  I want you to try to get in front of this prospect next week to make sure we’re staying top of mind here.  Sleep with him, if you have to!  … I’m going to be fired, aren’t I?”

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(1).  See ping.

Also, a musing:  “This one makes no sense.  In baseball, two runners can’t occupy the same base.  And the infielder is on the other team.  So who are we touching base with?”

Props to Mike R. for the submission.

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(1).  A seriously creepy way to say “knock on wood”.  Just say “knock on wood”, Ariel Castro.

“Touch wood, but I think we really have a shot at getting approval for that new water cooler we asked for.”

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(1).  A conference call used to accomplish something for which a three-word email would have worked just fine.

“Okay, sounds good…let’s just schedule a quick touch-base call next Tuesday to check up on status…I’ll send out the meeting request.”

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(1).  An office or desk the company keeps open for employees visiting from other regions.  You know, the one where you set up your hot plate and keep all of your unfiled papers.

“Oh, hey Jim.  In from Seattle, eh?  You can use the touchdown station over there.  And if you want something to eat, there’s a fridge under the desk with someone’s yogurt and a couple of Kit Kats from Halloween, I think.”

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(1).  Used to refer to (in)ability to make progress (e.g. on an initiative or project).

“Team, if we stay focused on our deliverables, then maybe we can get some traction on this project.”

Props to Scott P. for the submission.

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(1). n – The process of replacing a service provider, usually used by the replacement as a polite euphemism for the sacking of the former when attempting to get information from them.

(2). v – To move an account from one service provider to another, usually used by the new provider during correspondence or conversations with the former in order to avoid reminding them that they have been fired.

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(1).  A bank employee who’s not exactly a lawyer, but not exactly a broker.  He receives no commission for bringing in new business and often is required to say “no” to his clients for seemingly mundane requests.  He … oh, who cares?  Just think Jane Hathaway from The Beverly Hillbillies and you’ve got the idea.

“So, Eugene … you’re a trust officer … okay, so what exactly does a trust officer do … ?  Hmm … I’m not sure those skills translate to anything we are looking for right now.  Thanks for coming by, though, I’m sure you’re a valued part of the team over there at [insert bank name].”

Happy 500th term, CheesyCorporateLingo.com!

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(1). Used to refer to a sales team with insufficient resources or seniority.  Often used in a self-deprecating way to refer to one’s own efforts to land new clients, while at the same time having the alternative meaning of the sales leader overcoming the insufficiencies of his organization and persisting to win new clients.

“We just completed the European tour.  It’s tough man, just two guys and a dog.  But we did have good traction with a couple key accounts.”

Props to Adam T. for the submission!

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(1).  What most people take after work, but what teachers take before work.  God bless our children.

“Ugh…I’ve got lunch duty today.   Good thing I sprinkled some Xanax into my coffee this morning…”

Props to V for the submission.

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