ABC (Always Be Closing)

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(1).  In the sales world, ABC is an acronym for “Always Be Closing”.  Made famous by Alec Baldwin screaming at the sales team in Glengarry Glen Ross in 1992,  it is nearly impossible to avoid mentioning that first prize is a Cadillac El Dorado, second prize is a set of steak knives and third prize is “you’re fired”.

 

“A-Always, B-Be, C-Closing.  Always Be Closing.” (We would keep going here and try to insert some different names and words here to get a cheap laugh, but there are simply too many curses in this speech, and let’s face it, it’s hysterical just the way it is.  Go here for a full transcript.)

 

ASAP

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(1).  Acronym for “as soon as possible” often used to impart a sense of urgencyIn an effort to appear even shorter on time (and really important), many workers pronounce the acronym as an actual word.

 

“Hey Jeff, sorry to do this but I totally forgot Jonathan was coming in today so I am going to need those mock-ups ASAP.”

 

BCP

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(1).  An acronym for “Business Continuity Plan”, or, a company’s plan to keep working after a hurricane or terrorist attack that looks really good on paper but will never work in a million years BECAUSE EVERYONE WILL BE RUNNING AWAY.

 

“Hey, team…just wanted to remind everyone of the BCP test we are running this week.  Basically, we just want all of you to work from home…yep…that’s the plan…”

 

BOGO

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(1).  An acronym for Buy One, Get One.

 

(2).  In retail, a term used to describe a sale that lures naive customers into buying surplus, out of season products they will never use, by offering them 2 of these items for the same price.

 

“Hey Steve, did you see that BOGO sale going on over at Dick’s Sporting Goods?  I know it’s May and the season just ended, but I think I am totally going to get into snowboarding next year!  And if I buy one pair of snow pants, I get a second pair for free!  How can I go wrong?

 

CYA

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(1).  In most industries, an acronym for “cover your ass”.  The term is most often used when describing an email or voicemail sent to your boss about some problem before anyone else beats you to it (see post).

 

“You should send Tim an email about this right now, Joe.  Just as a CYA.  Better he hear it from you before anyone else…”

 

(2).  In accounting, an acronym for “call your accountant”.  The term is usually used after receiving some kind of letter from the IRS.

 

“I would CYA on this, Ken.  It says you haven’t filed a return since 1987.  I know you’re backing Ron Paul for president, but…”

 

KPI

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(1).  Stands for “key performance indicator”, which is something that call center in Bangalore points to every time you start complaining about their bill.

 

“As you can see from Slide 8 of the deck, our KPIs in GUI maintenance are right on par with our SLA.  Any questions?”

 

Props to KGH for the submission.

 

LOE

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(1).  “Level Of Effort”, or in other words, how much of a pain in the processors it’s going to be to do whatever the business wants you to do to the system.

 

“Okay, so after further analysis, our LOE has changed a bit.  We now think it’s going to take 378.4 man-days to complete this phase of the project.  So, based on that, we’re going to need to allocate 25.6 man-boys to this effort.”

 

OOO

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(1).  An acronym for “out of office” usually used when an individual is “working from home“.

 

“Hey everyone, I’m gonna be OOO for the next few days.  If you need to get in touch with me, well, don’t actually.”

 

PPM

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(1).  “Policies and Procedures Manual”; or in other words, an endless document no one reads that outlines a bunch of rules no one follows.

 

“Okay, guys, so we’re rolling out the new PPM for check presentments this week.  I’d like everyone to read through it and let me know if you have any questions.  It’s only 247 pages, so it shouldn’t take you more than a weekend.”

 

RIF-ed

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(1).  Reduction In Force – to be laid off, in governnment or teaching parlance.

 

“The mayor of NYC is calling for thousands of teachers to be RIF-ed but the president of the UFT says it’s all B.S.”

 

ROI

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(1).  What everybody wants, but only Amazon seems to get.

 

“So riddle me this, Sam.  If we invest all of this money into frozen bananas, what’s the ROI going to be?  How will these bananas help this company become…top banana?” (womp womp)

 

S.O.P.

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(1).  What you always call something you’ve been doing for years that you now suspect no one else does anymore, in an attempt to make it sound like they’re the ones who’ve got it wrong.

 

“Wait a minute…isn’t it still S.O.P. to keep a second set of books for all of the cash-only sales we close?”

 

SEO

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(1).  (v) – The mysterious art of blending the right amount of keywords with the right amount of content so that Google will rank your website highly in the SERP’s.  It is truly the definition of tedium.

 

(2).  (n) – A very sad, misunderstood individual that Matt Cutts keeps picking on.

 

(3).  India’s chief export.

 

“Does anybody know what this SEO thing is?  All I got from that presentation was some crap about keywords, meta tags and Google.  And why did that guy keep saying, “Content is king”?”

 

SERP

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(1).  An acronym for Search Engine Result Page that hip SEO’s use to make their tedious job sound cool. (it’s not)

 

“So you want to rank for the term “butter”.  Hmm, I’m not going to lie to you guys, there’s a lot of competition in the SERP’s for that one.  How about, “salty butter”.  That has a nice ring to it.”

 

SME

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(1). (pronounced “smee”) – Subject-matter expert; used by information technology trainers to denote users who already know how to use the program for which the training is being given, identifiable by their eyes constantly drifting to their blackberries or the low-cut blouse worn by the woman sitting next to them.

 

TGIF

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(1).  Something that woman in your office who collects naked trolls says after complaining about all of the mindless work she left until Friday to finish.

 

“I can’t believe I have so many emails to clean out of my inbox today!  Oh well…TGIF, right?”