(1). How douchebags end all of their emails.
“Hey Tim, I know it’s almost 5, but do you think you could pop by? I need you to get something out the door before you leave. Thanks…“
(1). An unnecessarily long and painful process requiring co-workers to “anonymously” highlight each other’s shortcomings to management. While many people graciously decline to say anything too damaging, some use the review as an opportunity to settle personal scores or to climb the corporate ladder in the traditional way (i.e. by crushing their co-workers).
“Okay, team. It’s time for 360 reviews again. You need to ask at least 10 people and, remember, I don’t really read these things, so feel free to say anything you like.”
(1). A term used to describe an individual who does not work for any particular department within a company. Therefore this person is either your boss, or the first person to get fired when things go south.
“Ross is a man with no country, a loner Dottie, a rebel. He also didn’t make his quota, so please hand him this box to collect his things.”
(1). The mysterious art, lost since ancient times, of combining the right amount of staff and technology to efficiently and cost-effectively conduct your business.
“Team, we’re never going to achieve scale if we don’t make some sacrifices. That’s why I’m cutting your salaries and laying off all of your assistants. Okay, with that out of the way, I just wanted to remind you that I’m going to be in St. Croix for the next couple of weeks on my new yacht.”
(1). To prioritize (and possibly even work on) a task (see action item). The term is usually used when reassuring your boss that whatever they’re talking about is at the top of your list of things to do.
“Sure, boss, I’ll action that mail merge project for first thing in the morning. Right after I figure out how to do a mail merge…”
(1). A task yet to be completed. The term is usually used to suggest the task’s completion is a high priority (see sense of urgency), when in actuality, it can likely be completed at any time.
“Alright everybody, we’ve got a lot of action items to move on for this client before our next meeting.”
(1). A term used to describe data taken from Google Analytics, Omniture or some other reporting platform, that can be used to create busy work.
“Hey Steve, can we extract some actionable data from Google Analytics to create some deliverables for the client?”
Props to Ross G. for the submission.
(1). The art of pinpointing the important points your client is trying to get across (unlike most of us, who just wait for them to stop talking so we can say whatever we think they want to hear).
“You’re doing a good job, Rick, but I think you need to do a little more active listening during client meetings. We really can’t be saying ‘sounds good’ after a client tells us his wife just died…”
(1). To justify one’s involvement in a certain matter or project.
(2). A term used in response to meeting requests in an attempt to politely suggest that you do not wish to attend.
“Thanks for including me in Friday afternoon’s meeting about the office’s new water cooler, Mike. But, I don’t think my participation will add value.”
(1). A way for compliance, operations and/or legal department employees to put a positive spin on their role in losing a piece of business.
“Well, someone had to be the adult in the room here! I mean, just because they have millions of dollars in potential business doesn’t justify giving them more than one toaster for opening their account with us!”
(1). Someone your company hires to “modernize” its business practices and operations. This person is generally loved by management and universally loathed by staff.
“Well, congratulations on your new role, Donna. I hear you’re going to be an agent of change over there, with all of the new procedures you’re implementing. I wouldn’t expect too many fruit baskets at Christmas this year, though.”
Props to D. M. for the submission.
(1). The instant at which your boss realizes the wisdom of what you’re telling him, followed shortly thereafter by the instant when he decides to take credit for it himself.
“I think Dan had a bit of an Aha! moment during our call today after Tom pointed out that promoting your secretary to vice president in exchange for sex is generally frowned upon by our regulators.”
(1). A military-inspired term describing techniques for ensuring the consequences of one’s actions fall on one’s boss or other senior manager (see CYA).
“The Greenberg account is about to fall through. Let’s make sure to mention Scott’s part in this to provide some air cover for our department.”
(1). A bright spot that’s not ready for prime time, and needs further development to be duplicated elsewhere.
“Really love the new macro, Nick…unfortunately, I think you need to make a few tweaks to get this all the way to bright.”
Props to David P. for the submission.
(1). A term used by senior management during an internal brain-washing session (see drink the Kool-Aid) to suggest something is voluntary, when it is, in fact, mandatory.
“Team, the company volunteer program is taking place next Thursday. While no one is required to participate, we anticipate excellence from each and every one of you. Performance reviews will be held the following Monday.”
(1). The inclination of management to support a certain project, usually involving the allocation of firm resources (a.k.a. money).
“Look, guys. There just isn’t an appetite right now for a new company car. I’m sorry, Shaggy, but you’ll just have to make do with the current Mystery Machine for now.”
Props to Paul A. for the submission.
(1). A kindergarten-style way to suggest that two concepts or items being compared are not able to be compared. The term is often used as a polite way to suggest that the presenter needs to re-do their work.
“Sorry Tom, I just don’t think comparing your work on switching us to FedEx to the moon landing is an apples-to-apples analysis.”
(1). Acronym for “as soon as possible” often used to impart a sense of urgency. In an effort to appear even shorter on time (and really important), many workers pronounce the acronym as an actual word.
“Hey Jeff, sorry to do this but I totally forgot Jonathan was coming in today so I am going to need those mock-ups ASAP.”
(1). A request to management for the funding of a project (usually some kind of technology enhancement), which is somehow always just not able to be squeezed into the budget this year.
“Sure, $5,000 for new printers is a huge ask, but we’re running out of dot matrix paper and eBay’s tapped out!”
(1). A colloquial expression used to indicate that the analysis you are about to provide was completed very quickly, with little forethought, and will likely prove to be incorrect.
“This is totally back of the napkin, but I think we can increase your sales 300% this year.”
(1). To gradually change your opinion after receiving a negative response (see push back) from either your boss, your client or someone in Legal.
“Mike said we should price this account at fifty bips with no discounts, but now he’s backpedaling on that after the client threatened to call his golfing buddy the CEO.”
(1). A series of empty promises made to a prospective client, designed to entice them to hire your firm.
“I hear what you’re saying, Al, but we can’t just sell these people a bag of goods and then have them find out we can deliver on about 2% of what we promised! What are we, iPhones?!”
(1). The deceptive practice of enticing a new customer with empty promises (read: low fees) only to spring the real deal on them after it’s too late for them to back out.
“What is this, some kind of bait and switch? You’re sign says ‘All You Can Eat’ and, goddamnit, I want more shrimp!”
(1). To include (but not necessarily disclose) certain information (usually fees) in a presentation or report.
“So, love the proposal, Ron. Let me ask you a question … I’m not seeing your commission on this anywhere … am I missing something or is that already baked into these numbers?
(1). A cooking-inspired term comparing low-cost services that are included in a contract to a bundt cake.
(2). Miscellaneous line-items included in a contract to make the client feel good about paying you more than they want to.
“The technology fee and set-up fee are baked in to the contract. I have no idea what those are but we have to put something in there to justify our fee.”
(1). An expression used to imply that you have a lot of things you are working on right now (see juggling), often to indicate to someone that you are going to refuse whatever assignment you are about to be given.
“Sorry Ross, I don’t think I have time to help out on that, I have a lot of balls in the air right now….and no, that’s not what she said.”
(1). Yet another way to tell someone you aren’t going to do any more work than you absolutely have to.
“Sorry, Ned…I just don’t have the bandwidth right now to take on any more accounts. Hey, I’ve got an idea, why don’t you start working a 40-hour week? That might do it!”
(1). Overwhelming new employees by not having a game plan for training and just throwing them into meetings and projects.
“Glad to have you on the team, Megan. Well, I’m out for the next couple of weeks, so I guess it’ll be a bit of a baptism by fire for you. The manual is on that pile on my desk, I think. Good luck!”
Props to Lara for the submission.
(1). A term used to describe one’s involvement in a certain matter or project, usually as a way to suggest someone else’s involvement would be unnecessary or undesirable.
“I’m not sure Mike’s 50-slide presentation on our office’s battery-recycling program would be additive to the board meeting.”
(1). To add content to a presentation or white paper. Usually suggested by those who believe length equals quality.
“Your proposal really lays out the plan perfectly, Don. But I think we should try to beef up the technical portion a bit. The boss will really enjoy wading through pages and pages of technical jargon. I just know he will!”
(1). An unofficial procedure that a small, smug subset of employees deems better than those of their peers.
“Well, as a best practice, my team always sends each of our clients a personalized holiday card and a little tin of cookies. Our client retention rate is 0.1% better than the firm average, so it’s clearly worth it.”
(1). A term often used during long meetings as a euphemism for stopping said meeting so everyone can take a leak.
“Okay, everyone…while this presentation on which design we should use on our promotional flash drives has been riveting, it’s time for a bio break. Anyone else have to use the big boys’ room? That’s right, I call it the big boys’ room….no need for lies.”
Props to Kevin B. for the submission.
(1). Getting back to the basics of the job.
“Look, Joe…I think it’s really great that you are writing all of these articles lately. But, I think you really need to focus on blocking and tackling for a while. When was the last time you gave any of your clients a call?”
Props to Joyce G. for the submission.
(1). A golf reference used to describe piss poor performance on any particular dealing with a client.
“That was really bogey golf right there Scott. You left the flash drive with the presentation on it in your car, you wore a Spuds MacKenzie tie and to top it all off you didn’t even offer them a Fresca. Everyone loves Fresca!”
(1). A conference (1) that requires travel to a hotel or resort (usually connected to a golf course), (2) whose sessions can be easily avoided, and (3) which includes multiple occasions to generously partake of the hotel bar, usually in the form of sponsored cocktail hours.
(1). An internal meeting (see pow wow) intended to generate ideas, which quickly devolves into (1) a complaint session about the company, (2) a general discussion on last night’s American Idol results, or (3) one employee explaining all of his or her ideas in detail while the others quietly nod and check their blackberries.
“Team, I really just want this to be a brainstorming session about the direction we want to go in this year, so please feel free to speak your minds. Okay, to start, Ed will be informing you all of the direction we are going to go in this year. Ed?”
(1). A term used to describe a low-margin business unit (see keep the lights on) which will never, ever be a major profit center, resulting in mediocre pay for its staff, further resulting in mediocre staff.
“Urinal-mint manufacturing is a bread and butter business, people. We may not be flashy, but we’ll always be able to say that business doesn’t stink.”
(1). Cool stuff somebody other than you did (see best practices).
“Some of the bright spots from this year came from our billing department, so kudos to them. That new practice of getting invoices out with the correct mailing addresses really helped our bottom line.”
Props to David P. for the submission.
(1). A day in which the lies parents tell their kids about their job are tested, with moderate to no success.
“Ok Danny, when daddy said he “worked with Derek Jeter”, he didn’t so much mean he played for the Yankees, as he cleans the locker room at Yankee Stadium.”
(1). Something everyone wants to have, but no one wants to get.
“This proposal looks great, Alex, but I’d like to get some buy-in from the team before presenting it to the board. I’m sure they’ll go along with your plan to cut costs by moving everyone into cubes and getting rid of the coffee machine.”
(1). A term used to explain to management how difficult it was to accomplish a particular task or transaction and that their input is neither appreciated nor wanted.
“The calculus of the deal is such that, we risk losing the entire contract if we hold out for a soda machine.”
Props to Jared P. for the submission.
(1). A term used by upper management to politely tell an employee that they don’t give their clients enough face time, and how disappointed they are with them about it.
“Well Scott, you should consider going into the city and taking the client out to lunch. You know you can’t fax a handshake! Seriously though, go take them out to lunch.”
(1). Somewhere hot and humid where labor costs are more than reasonable.
“That’s right…we’ve just recently expanded our center of excellence in Bangalore. Now we have even more “Steve from Dallas”-es ready to tell all of our customers to turn their computers off and then back on again!”
(1). Something every new manager thinks they can do, when in reality they are the only ones who end up changing.
“I see part of my new role as changing behaviors around here. From now on, everyone needs to be at their desk by 8 o’clock. Well, not everyone…not me, anyway….”
(1). An employee who deals with customers regularly. While usually the highest paid employees, these guys really try to do as little actual work as possible so they can spend more time sleeping with their way-hotter interns.
“Well, I don’t care what you heard. I didn’t want to be client-facing anymore. Not enough challenge. I felt my skills would be better suited to the letter management department. Luckily, my bosses agreed.”
(1). To send an email to a group of people solely for the purpose of confirming something is complete (so you can all get off my case about it already!).
“Hi everyone – Just to close the loop on this, the wire went out today, so we should be all set. Great job getting this done for his Royal Highness, the Prince of Nigeria, so quickly. I can’t believe we were holding all of his money in someone else’s account all this time!”
(1). To call or email someone, usually with the intent of asking for something, but rarely just to say hello (see reach out).
“Hey Bill, just wanted to connect with you about that proposal that’s due later today. Yea the email I sent a few minutes before I called was just to make sure you got the message.”
(1). A cop-out used by chronically impartial employees and/or managers so that they can remain comfortably in the middle of an argument.
“Sorry guys, but you’re going to have to consider me Swiss on this issue. I just can’t say that investing the rest of our company’s bailout money in Spanish doubloons is a good or bad idea. On the one hand it’s a risky investment, on the other hand that guy from Pawn Stars is always in the market for doubloons and seems to have an endless supply of cash.
(1). Something your company claims to be after paying someone to plant a few trees in Paraguay, despite the fact that they continue to dump gallons of caustic chemicals into the canal behind that plant of theirs in New Jersey.
“As you all know, we strive to be a good corporate citizen, which is why we are requiring all of you to commute to work in Chevy Volts. I, of course, will continue to commute in my G IV.”
(1). A department which doesn’t produce any revenue … you know, like the one 90% of you work in.
“So, we all know it’s been a tough year. The good news is that layoffs are going to be focused in the cost centers … as always! Now, give each other a high five and let’s go sell some bonds!”
(1). In most industries, an acronym for “cover your a**”. The term is most often used when describing an email or voicemail sent to your boss about some problem before anyone else beats you to it (see post).
“You should send Tim an email about this right now, Joe. Just as a CYA. Better he hear it from you before anyone else…”
(2). In accounting, an acronym for “call your accountant”. The term is usually used after receiving some kind of letter from the IRS.
“I would CYA on this, Ken. It says you haven’t filed a return since 1987. I know you’re backing Ron Paul for president, but…”
(1). A nautical term used by management (as well as operations or IT…..really anybody) to describe further meetings or presentations which focus on a particular area.
(2). A term used as a defense mechanism by account managers to deflect clients’ questions and/or concerns about a particular topic that they have no answer or solution for.
“Hey guys, we are going to have to take a deep dive into this subject and get back to you with more in-depth findings. Let’s pick it up on our next bi-monthly meeting.”
(1). A term used to indicate item(s) due at the end of a project.
“Oh, hey Tom…yeah, I know I still have a couple of outstanding deliverables on the conversion project. Sunday? Hmm…not sure that’s gonna happen. I think Jim’s around this weekend, though. Hey, Jim! Tom says you gotta come in on Sunday!”
Props to Guy G. for the submission.
(1). An oft-repeated question asked at meetings by someone who thinks everyone else in the room are a bunch of mouth-breathing imbeciles who can’t understand the painfully obvious point he is trying to make.
“So, the idea is to cut costs by upgrading our OS from Windows 3.1 to Windows 8…does that make sense? Okay, fine…we’ll convert to Mac…”
Props to Bill E. for the submission.
(1). A term used to discourage overzealous salesmen from overselling themselves and/or their company’s services.
“Ok guys, I’m sorry, but I am going to have to stop you there. While I find it fascinating that you have an office Roomba and have named it ‘Keith’ and treat it like it’s alive, I really need you to get to the point of this conversation. Dogs and ponies stay outside, ya get what I’m sayin’?”
(1). Completed to the point that it no longer requires discussion, or in other words, 100% completed.
“Thanks for your feedback here, Mike, but this presentation is done done at this point, so next time you might want to respond to my request for comments a little quicker than three months later.”
Props to Josh B. for the submission.
(1). Something used in management reporting that probably means you’re intentionally double-billing your clients every now and then.
“Okay, and if you’ll all flip to page 3, you’ll see our double revenue numbers for this year. Not as solid as we would have liked, but we’re looking to ramp it up for next year. Some kind of bundling fee or customer service charge or something…”
Props to Hilari for the submission.
(1). To accept corporate propoganda as truth, often feigned in an attempt to curry favor with one’s superiors.
(2). To blindly follow what other companies are doing regardless of how silly and/or unprofitable the move may be.
“Alright, team, we’re just going to drink the Kool-Aid on this one. I have a tee time in an hour.”
“It’s always scary to drink the Kool-Aid, but it’s far scarier to be different!”
(1). Expression used to imply someone has not taken proper action when prompted (i.e. shirking or neglecting one’s duties).
“Scott really dropped the ball on that project when he skipped the conference call. He never referred the information to the client and now they’re irate at us!”
Props to Brad for the submission.
(1). When two people are working on overlapping projects that will basically get you to the same place in the end.
“Now, I don’t want to duplicate effort here, so I think we should let Tom put the presentation for the Honolulu conference together… Ken, why don’t you focus on booking Tom and I flights and hotels for the trip to Hawaii…?”
(1). A national holiday commemorating the first time companies started putting a bin in the pantry for old RSA fobs (see WFH-ing) and Blackberry batteries.
“Happy Earth Day everyone! Today marks the beginning of our green initiative and we will begin to send out all of our invoices electronically. Clients who still prefer to get a paper copy of their invoice will still receive one of course. You know what they say, Rome wasn’t built in a day!”
(1). A gimmick crafted by the devil himself (Staples) to give people who frequent American Idol concerts and display Troll Dolls on their desks a reason to talk about how hard their job is.
(2). A plastic red button that people display on their desk as an unfunny, out of date conversation piece.
“Oh man, I can’t believe how much work I have to get done today! Wish I had an easy button to just do it for me! I’ll bet ya Phil Phillips doesn’t have work like this! Kelly Clarkson?? She has people doing it for her!! Cat Deeley is so pretty…..”
(1). A customer’s business environment taking into account all exogenous factors (otherwise known as: reality).
“What we really want to do is get a sense of the ecosystem in which you operate, Sal. So, what can you tell us about your waste management business?”
Props to Vannprime for the submission.
(1). To work on something known to be futile.
“Oh, hi Jim … the Hanson account? … umm … yeah, we’re efforting to get that through the pipeline this week, but … you know … with year-end and all, it might be delayed a bit … umm … sure, I know it’s a really important client … I’ll touch base with you on Monday, okay? … yep, Merry Christmas to you, too…”
(1). It’s supposed to be a 15 to 30-second speech that pitches your company to a fictitious prospect you meet in an elevator. Everyone’s sucks and only speakers in marketing seminars think they work.
“Alright, John … so, your elevator speech could use some work. First off, when someone asks you where you work, you should avoid saying ‘Hell’.”
(1). Any corporate executive, financial advisor, lawyer or accountant who adds no substance to any situation and are usually present for the purpose of (1) running up fees, or (2) making the client feel important.
“Okay guys, Dave and I will be running the meeting. Steve, you and Sean are just some empty suits in the room to make the team look bigger. Sell it!”
(1). A term that compares the final stages of a project, to the fight to the death between Jacob Kell and Duncan MacLeod in Highlander.
“Well I don’t get it Vito, what’s their endgame here? Do they want to be the best dog grooming truck on the market or don’t they? There can be only one!”
(1). A ridiculous term that compares resources being spread too thin, to a human trying to plug a dam that is structurally unsound with their extremities.
“Sorry guys, we just don’t have the bandwidth to pull this damn (pun!) project off. Every finger and toe is in the dike at the moment.”
props to Sean C. & Jeff L. for the submission.
(1). A polite way to acknowledge a suggestion or idea that you actually think is completely irrelevant or incorrect.
“That’s a fair point, John, and thanks for raising it. Although, I’m not sure getting back into the subprime mortgage game is the way to go right now.”
(1). An forced acknowledgement by one of your vendors that they’ve been gouging you for years. They’ll give you a little discount to promote the strong inertia pulling you to stay with them for at least one more year of excellent service!
“Sure, Rita … we’ll take a look at our engagement to see if we can find you a little fee relief. I have to say, though, we’re operating at breakeven as it is, so ….”
(1). A way to signal to everyone in the meeting that this is the only agenda item you want to talk about and that all of the other stuff is meaningless to you.
“Okay, team, well, first and foremost, I want to address 2012 compensation. I understand many of you may have booked vacations for after the New Year…well, you might want to rethink those plans for now…”
Props to Jerry G. for the submission.
(1). Taking a simple outline and providing all of the details to support it.
“Okay, now picture this…Return of the GO BOTS! What do you think? Doesn’t matter…Tom, why don’t you flesh it out and get back to us with a proposal for our Monday morning meeting. Well, have a good weekend, everyone!”
Props to Ross G. for the submission.
(1). A term used to describe a senior manager’s brief attendance at a client meeting in hopes of sufficiently impressing the client so that they stay with the company for at least another year.
“I’m going to take a leak, do a fly-by for the meeting with Jonathan, then it’s off to Cabo!”
(1). When information, documents, papers, emails, etc. are placed into a physical or digital folder for organizational ease of use.
“My secretary will folderize all of my invoices according to month so she can file them away appropriately.”
Props to Brad for the submission.
(1). A euphemism for “my old job” used by people trying to make it look like they have way more experience than they really do.
“In my former life, I used to manage a team responsible for lavatory paper management. It was a lot of responsibility, but I think I handled the pressures of leadership fairly well.”
(1). A term used by upper management to politely tell employees that their work is late and/or not up to par.
“Just a friendly reminder that your time sheets are due on the end of each week and that it is NOT ok to mark any time as “miscellaneous”. We’re all looking at you Matt.
(1). The client-facing employees in your company (a.k.a. the guys making all the money).
“Whoa, whoa, whoa…there’s no way Ops is going to push some kind of data entry project on the front office. You tell those guys to stop playing World of Warcraft in the office and start typing!”
(1). To take on a new client that you know is going to cause trouble for you down the road, but is just too lucrative right now to pass up.
(2). To hire a service provider (read: outsource firm) that will be next to impossible to unload once they’re in place.
“You know once we get into bed with these guys, we’re never going to be able to get rid of them. Like the Kardashians.”
(1). This term, unlike its ladylike counterpart glass half full, is used to describe an individual who sees every minute mistake and misstep as nothing short of the apocalypse. These individuals usually ascend the corporate ladder at a meteoric pace and usually wind up running large conglomerates.
“Well guess what everyone? I’m a glass half empty guy. So no, I don’t think Scott sneezing on the managing partner was a sign that we are “comfortable with them.”
(1). A term used to describe an overly optimistic person whose double rainbow point of view usually becomes bothersome to upper management, as well as the rest of the office, and is terminated.
(2). See glass half empty.
“I dunno guys, I think that presentation went pretty well! Call me a glass half full kinda guy, but I thought it was actually a good thing when Scott sneezed on the managing partner…showed we were comfortable with them.”
(1). A spectacular event in which an employee completely loses his or her marbles and goes all Michael Douglas on the office.
(2). A far less exciting event involving an embarrassingly loud rant about something or other by a disgruntled employee in the breakroom.
“It was crazy. One minute, Judy and I were talking about last night’s Survivor tribal council and the next minute – blagh! – she goes all postal about something Nick said to her about timesheets or whatever. Like that’s what I need at 9 a.m.!”
(1). The time period for which you are going to correct that egregious accounting error your new associate just discovered.
“Thanks for pointing this issue out to us, Caitlin. Even though this has clearly been a problem for years, I think it’s best that we adjust our practice on a go-forward basis.”
(1). When your company gives you just enough money to make you think twice about leaving. Most situations involve some kind of deferred compensation that never seems to vest.
“God, I hate this place! But what am I going to do? They put the golden shackles on me again this year and I don’t see anyone matching it anywhere else…”
(1). A half-cocked idea that you came up with, blurted out at the last company sponsored happy hour and your boss accidentally overheard….and loved. It is now your primary function.
“Yes Stan! I love that idea, its definitely got legs! I can’t believe we never thought about selling cigarettes and lighters at the pump!
(1). Where Jeffrey Skilling and Bernie Madoff now go to school.
“Hey, Gil … you should probably stop telling people at the bar that our returns are going to be down next quarter. I’m pretty sure that’s a one-way ticket to Graybar University for a CEO ….”
Props to Tim P. for the submission.
(1). Something the annoying woman with the pictures of her cats in her cube says to you every, stinking Friday.
“Hey, Andy! Happy Friday! I’m trying to catch up on my T and Es, so I’m going to need all of your receipts for the last six months by lunchtime. Thanks!!”
(1). Acts of public self-congratulation among co-workers, often after being notified of an increase in compensation, and almost always in front of people who did not share in that increase.
“Oh sure, while those guys are giving each other high fives over in Sales, we’re stuck here in Accounting doing the real work!”
(1). An aviation-inspired term indicating nothing is happening with a prospective client. No calls, no messages, no nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
“Hey boss. Yeah, the Jenson account…umm…we’re in a bit of a holding pattern right now on that, so…last time I called them? Umm, well, uhh…”
(1). Something that needs to be done that absolutely no one cares about.
“Hey, Rick…just got a little housekeeping item for you…we’re going to be sending you a couple of forms to sign…nothing important…new fee schedule…just feel free to sign and send it back when you get a chance…”
(1). A term that compares Wednesdays to two teenagers dry humping each other on the dance floor at a sweet sixteen to UB40′s “Red, Red Wine”.
(2). A term used by lonely, single office clerks who usually display troll dolls, pictures of their dog and an easy button, to signify that it’s the middle of the week, the weekend is almost here, and that they can’t wait to “tear up the shore” this weekend with their girls.
“Happy hump day everyone! OMG I can’t believe it’s Wednesday already, weekend’s almost here!! I am going to get so drunk this weekend down at the shore, like totally destroyed. Maybe I’ll meet someone this weekend. OMG maybe I’ll meet Pauly D!!”
(1). A fierce windstorm that caused millions of dollars of damage to the New York metro area.
(2). A wonderful excuse used by workers for weeks and weeks to justify leaving work early, working from home, not getting back to people, etc. etc.
(3). An excuse used by gag website creators for the delay in getting their fans’ submissions up on the site.
“Hey, George…yeah, sorry about not getting back to you last week…Hurricane Sandy really did a number on us here…yeah, I should be able to get it done this week…probably…”
(1). To be given an extremely tight deadline to get something to a client, only to end up sitting around for weeks afterward while the client decides what they want to do.
“Well, Jeff, the client called and thanked us for getting the documents out to them, but told me they are having a meeting about them next week, so we won’t hear anything until after that…hurry up and wait, right?”
(1). In marketing, a way to describe your expertise in an area in which you have no expertise.
“We like to take more of a hybrid approach with this type of engagement. We’ll be leveraging several strategic partners to assist our team here with the management of your account. While those providers will bill you separately, we feel this combination will bring to bear the best in class level of service you are looking for.”
(1). Yikes - it means somebody is constipated. And what’s wrong with “affect” for “impact”?
“You know, Tim, I’m just not sure the project you’ve been working on all year has been impactful to the company in the way you thought it would be. You probably should’ve focused on your actual work instead…”
Props to Priscilla W. for the submission.
(1). A word that compares an individual who excels in their particular field to Luke Skywalker, Yoda, and that other guy Samuel L. Jackson played in the awful Star Wars prequels.
“Pat here is our resident SEO jedi and by far the best option to achieve your websites organic goals. So these other guys aren’t the agency you’re looking for, move along.”
(1). To work on multiple tasks or assignments at once (see balls in the air), often used during stress-induced nervous breakdowns occurring after a new, unexpected additional assignment has been given.
“I’m juggling so many things right now, I can’t take it! If Fred gives me one more thing to do, I’m going to go postal!”
(1). A nice way to tell someone their proposal (which they thought was great) needs serious revisions.
“Thanks for that, John. I think it’s a great jumping off point for us to nail down how to handle this project. Eric, why don’t you run point on this going forward…”
(1). A way for members of a steady, but weak business unit to justify their continued existence to the rest of the firm.
“C’mon, Larry, cheer up. Here at Best Buy, there’s no shame in being assigned to the wire department. Sure, it’s not like it’s TVs, but it keeps the lights on!”
(1). The main point you gleaned from a relentlessly long and confusing conference call. A key takeaway is generally addressed within the first three to five minutes of the call, followed then by an hour or so of irrelevant fluff.
“Thanks for making the call, everyone. I think it’s safe to say the key takeaway is that we need to have another call. How does next Wednesday look for everyone?”
(1). n. Football-inspired term often used to describe the first presentation of a new product or service offering, intended to provide employees with a feeling of excitement.
(2). v. To voluntarily start a conference call, mainly in an effort to look important and/or in charge.
“Does anyone know the date of the kick-off meeting? Does anyone know the name of the client?”
(1). To grossly overreact to a minor error or mishap, resulting in unproductive meetings, useless checklists, indecipherable procedures, overlapping layers of approval and other bureaucratic nonsense.
“Talk about killing a fly with a sledgehammer! After Sam double-billed that client last month, they now want us to have two managers review and approve all our bills before they go out! Why do I have to be punished because Sam can’t send out mail properly?!”
(1). Declared a federal holiday in 1894 by President Grover Cleveland, Labor Day (according to Wikipedia, at least) was originally intended to commemorate the social contributions of the labor unions. Today, it is the unholy declaration of the end of summer for millions of children and teachers everywhere. As for the working man, it just means his morning commutes are about to start getting colder and colder each day.
“I can’t wait for Labor Day this year! It means all of my kids are going back to school and my weekends will now be filled with soccer games and gymnastics competitions which for some reason are always scheduled for Sundays at 1 pm! Hooray!”
(1). The act of quitting a job in favor of the same job at a different company, resulting in zero career advancement and, likely, little to no increase in salary. Lateral Moves are only acceptable when (1) you are about to be fired, (2) you just got divorced and need to relocate, or (3) you work in Wilmington, Delaware and your new job is in a real city.
“Yeah, so I’m happy…I know it’s kind of a lateral move for me, but I think Pets.com is going to be around forever!”
(1). What the host of a conference call says to try to regain control after the call has been hopelessly sidetracked by an irrelevant issue or question.
“Hey Tom, thanks for raising that issue, but let’s take that offline so we can get back to actual topic of our call today.”
Props to Terry D. for the submission.
(1). Another way of describing the sporadic and (most likely) canned emails you send your clients every few months to make it look like you’re regularly in touch with them.
“Great talking to you, Richard. Let’s be sure to keep the line of communication open on that mortgage you’re thinking about. Remember – I’m here for YOU!”
“Thanks, everyone, for joining this call to walk through our wastebasket management matrix again. I think we’re getting close to finalizing it. As you all know, this is a living document, so please feel free to suggest any changes or edits you might have.”
(1). To follow up (again) with someone who has repeatedly not gotten back to you. The term is usually used in response to your bosses asking for a status update.
“Sure, Jim, I’ll lob in a call to the attorney to see where he is with our documents. Although, I’m starting to think it might have been a bad idea to pay him in advance.”
(1). A term coined during World War II warning people to not openly talk about secure military information that is now used in fear campaigns by The Coca-Cola Company among it’s employees to guard it’s secret formula.
“Shhhh, Bryan!! Listen man, I know you’re new here, but you can’t just go around telling everyone that it’s Pellegrino & Aunt Jemima’s mixed together. Loose lips sink ships around here, big cola is watching…..”
(1). To keep mentioning the same thing over and over during a meeting or call.
“Now, I don’t want to make glue out of the same dead horse, but we really need to consider whether we should be allowing Ned to talk to clients anymore…he seems to keep telling them how great our competitors are….”
(1). A way to say “we haven’t made any progress” without actually saying “we haven’t made any progress”.
“As to our penetration into the fast-moving app space, we continue to make strides in that arena. We’re looking for the coming fiscal year to be a major contributor to the growth cycle of that part of our business.”
(1). Assigned tasks with no obvious goal and with seemingly no end, usually assigned to new hires, interns or anybody working in a bank these days.
“Oh, c’mon Lisa! This is just makework and you know it! There is absolutely no reason we need to take information off of our system and put it into this spreadsheet. I mean…it’s on the system! Just go look there!”
(1). A brief, substance-less client meeting intended to introduce an additional member of the team to the client (see face to face). Meet and Greets often turn into in-depth discussions on substantive topics which the newly introduced team member neither expected nor prepared to discuss.
“Don’t worry, Tim. This is just going to be a meet and greet. That said, you might want to read up on complex tobacco-industry litigation techniques before the meeting. See you tomorrow!”
(1). Something your boss doesn’t want to have to do in order to figure out whatever it is your 25-page spreadsheet is trying to get at.
“Look, Marie. I want this presentation to be short and simple…we don’t want John to have to go through a bunch of mental gymnastics to figure out what we’re showing him here.”
(1). A word used in a game commonly played by salesmen to spice up sales pitches. The only rule to this game is to say the word “Mesopotamia” in the meeting. Good times.
“So as you can see, our firm’s services offer a virtual Mesopotamia of opportunities for your business.”
(1). A way to indicate to co-workers the personal benefit you are deriving from a single achievement or project, usually used in a self-promoting yet deprecating manner in order to appear modest.
“Boy, I sure am getting a lot of mileage out of that macro I created! Thank you, Basic Understanding of Excel!”
(1). A term that compares taking on side work, to the 80′s TV series ‘Moonlighting’ starring the ever popular Bruce Willis & Cybill Shepherd.
“So I think David may be moonlighting. I can’t prove anything, but I have found a troubling amount of graphic design work for “Blue Moon Shampoo” in his staff folder.”
(1). A way to describe the important people of a company by likening them to the gargantuan granite sculpture of Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt & Lincoln in South Dakota.
“So Dan, if you had to make a Mount Rushmore for the company, who would be on it? More importantly, where would I be on it?”
(1). To positively impact or move a project forward, generally used when providing negative feedback in order to imply that someone is being neither impactful nor moving anything forward.
“Thanks for your input here, Tom. Unfortunately, I just don’t think adding more slides about how you are personally trying to go paperless is really going to move the needle on the firm’s cost-cutting project. I mean, really, you work in the mailroom!”
(1). Quitting your current waste of a job without having a new job lined up. Good for you, champ!
“Jim, I quit. I hate this place so much that I’d rather hand you a naked resignation than work another minute in this dump! Oh, and if you hear of anyone hiring, would you mind shooting me an email?”
Props to Jack D. for the submission.
(1). An email sent out to the entire company with the names of the employees who forgot to complete some kind of required training or something.
“What?! Thirteen people didn’t take the ‘Avoiding Appearances in Page Six” online course? Let’s send out an email with a name and shame list to get these morons to do what we tell them to do!”
(1). To be able to adapt quickly to different situations … even when you have no idea what you’re doing.
“Okay, team … now if we’re going to hold ourselves out there as a nimble wealth manager, we’re going to have to cut a few corners for our clients. So, I’d like to get your thoughts on SEC reporting avoidence strategies ….”
(1). An obviously beneficial action to be taken, often used during staff meetings by sycophantic employees (see yes man) to curry favor with a manager who just suggested the action as if it were a stroke of genius.
“Selling those children was a no brainer. What’s next on the agenda?”
“So, after Alex went into his bit about ‘we’re going to make us the Bank One of banks’, all I saw was a bunch of nodding heads in the room. I didn’t have the heart to say anything, so I just nodded my head, too.”
(1). A proposal or suggestion for something that your boss is never, ever going to agree to.
“Sorry, Ted. Adding another body in Operations is a non-starter. If this system enhancement is going to move forward, you guys are going to need to allocate your resources a little better.”
(1). A transparent lie you tell your boss when asked about a project you don’t even remember being assigned. See all over it.
“The system conversion? I’m on top of it, boss. Just so the rest of the team is in the loop, would you mind going over what we’re supposed to be doing again?”
(1). Your top priority or, more often, your only choice.
“I told the IT guys to think of me as their only child when it comes to allocating resources this year.”
(2). The prima donna on your staff who you tend to give all of the plum assignments to just so they will stop bothering you about how they have no “career path”.
“Bob knows I’m an only child when it comes to assigning the top accounts.”
Props to Denise for the submission.
(1). Able to integrate into the company’s elite circles, generally leading to higher pay and numerous (often perplexing) promotions.
“You know, Dan may be prominent in the industry, but he just isn’t organizationally successful, so I think it’s time for the gold watch!”
(1). Paying for some work-related expense yourself with an expectation that your company will pay you back…in six to eight weeks…maybe.
“Okay, Alicia…here are my receipts for my Atlanta trip. I had to go out of pocket on the cabs to and from the airport. What do you mean that looks like my handwriting…? Just process the lousy reimbursements, please…”
(1). A term used by companies to describe a mythical place full of rainbows and lollipops where files are readily accessible online, nothing ever gets lost or misfiled and machines collect dust in darkened copy rooms.
“Everybody, I have big news. This office will be a completely paperless environment by Q1 of 1998.”
(1). At conferences you are invited to write out questions/ideas/concerns on a sticky note and place it on a board called the parking lot. You are told someone (from the company running the conference) will go through them and group them into like categories to avoid repetition and then your topics will be addressed.
Translation: Slick guise to placate participants, weed out undesirable topics and zero in on what corporate wants to address.
Props to Cynthia E. for the submission.
(1). The easiest way to get at least some of what you want without getting a lot of grief (see push back) for your effort.
“I know asking Melanie to cover my shift sucks, you know, ’cause Melanie sucks…but, she still kinda wants to sleep with me, so it’s the path of least resistance if I want to still hit the Pantera
(1). The act of quickly revising a document by hand and then giving it to someone else to type up. Well done, boss!
“Let me just pen and ink this real quick and I’ll get it right back to you. Sorry in advance about my handwriting…I can barely make it out! Have a nice weekend!”
(1). A collection of work-related achievements you add to your “bio” (read: resume) whose only purpose (now that you’ve moved on to another company) seems to have been to allow you to add them to your bio.
“I think writing an article in our trade journal is a great idea, Kenny. It’ll sure help you increase your personal brand…and be good for the company’s reputation, of course.”
(1). A request to waste your time educating me about something you may know slightly more about. Fortunately, your vanity allows you to take this request as a compliment.
“Hey, Jerry, do you mind if I pick your brain for a second? I’m trying to figure out how you keep your hair so manageable…”
(1). The list of prospective clients your company maintains that never seems to change. You really need to hire better sales reps.
“Well, we have about 50 prospects in the pipeline right now, so we’re doing okay. Well, I suppose we could cull some of these 2003 ones… …okay, well we have about 15 prospects in the pipeline right now, so we’re doing okay.”
(1). A standard PowerPoint presentation used for all prospective clients in which the prospect‘s name is inserted in two or three places to make it appear as if it was prepared just for them.
“Hey Courtney, can you email me a copy of the most recent pitchbook? I just want to make sure all of my phony baloney certifications are listed in my bio.”
(1). To omit some critical piece of information during a sales pitch (i.e. fees, your actual capabilities, etc.).
“Look, Dean … we’re not trying to play hide the ball here! We can’t NOT tell this guy we don’t actually know how to build his website and that your little brother – who’s sixteen by the way – is going to be doing it for us!”
(1). To repeatedly go back and forth on voicemail without ever actually connecting. You eventually just email the guy with whatever it is you want.
“Hey, it’s Phil again…sorry for playing phone tag the last few days…give me a buzz when you have a moment…well, I’ll be out of the office the rest of the day, so try you on Monday…”
(1). A term that compares stealing talent from another company to illegally hunting African rhinoceroses for their ivory.
“I have no problem poaching talent from Google. I know last time we hired a wizard it didn’t go exactly as planned, but I got a good feeling about this guy.”
(1). To inform your boss (usually by voicemail) of an error or other issue before he receives the inevitable angry call from your client.
“Hi, Tom. This is Gil. Hope you’re enjoying your vacation. Umm…just wanted to post you on an issue with the Pupier account. Turns out it’s pronounced ‘pupi-ay’.”
(1). A private staff meeting or other euphemism for a group of employees complaining about their co-workers and/or clients in a conference room or office.
(2). A meeting or brainstorming session to come up with ideas and strategies for a particular client…who may or may not be Native Americans.
“We all need to get into a room and have a pow wow. Who’s bringing the cigars?”
(1). You know who these guys are. You also know you’re never going to be one of them. So there.
“Well, we tried to get our proposal approved today. Unfortunately, the powers that be think it’ll be a much better use of firm resources to hold another ‘top producer’ offsite in Maui. We’re never going to get that new coffee maker now!”
(1). A way to attack an issue from multiple fronts, usually suggested by people who can’t decide what to do and try to just throw everything at the problem in hopes that one of their ideas will work.
“Okay, team…we are going to use a three-pronged approach to resolve our recent data security problem. Step 1: Everyone now needs a password to log in to the system. Step 2: Jeff in IT should not have a password. Step 3: Fire Jeff in IT.”
Props to Carlos B. for the submission.
(1). A software application, program or service offering that is unique to a company (and usually subject to patents or copyrights), often strikingly similar to a dozen other software applications, programs or service offerings by the company’s competitors (and probably designed using pirated software provided by disgruntled ex-employees).
“Alright everyone, we have finally rolled out our proprietary dashboard. It took two years, countless hours and thousands of dollars, but I think we are finally going to be able to pull in Google Analytics! What? Yes, that’s pretty much all it does. No, I don’t think it makes more sense to just log in to Google Analytics. This thing has our logo on it!”
(1). n. A repeated attempt to obtain a different answer or result, often used while feigning guilt, and even more often resulting in something being escalated to management.
(2). v. To annoyingly attempt to obtain a different answer or result, often (depending on how pushy you are) resulting in some sort of successful outcome.
“Sorry for the push back, Andy, but I really think we should be able to get this done for twenty bips. I’ll take this all the way up the chain of command, if I have to.”
(1). To refuse to allocate resources to a project or expenditure, often used by management to avoid telling their employees that the company is never, ever going to spring for new computers.
“I think color monitors are a great idea, Ken. Unfortunately, we’re going to have to put that on the back burner for now. We really need to focus on new company cars for the partners.”
(1). An expression used to imply that you have been dealing with crises all day, in an attempt to (1) passive-aggressively complain about your job, (2) make yourself seem more important than you actually are, or (3) avoid taking on more work.
“Man, the bigger clients I almost exclusively work on are so demanding! I’ve been putting out fires all afternoon. I wish I worked on smaller, less meaningful clients like you, Jaime. My life would be so much easier!”
(1). The guy who takes the client out to lunch occasionally, but does no real work on the account.
“So, Steve will still be the quarterback of your relationship, but you should feel free to reach out to any of us if you have any specific questions relating to the management of your accounts. He likely will be out of the office when you call.”
“Boy, ever since our initial meeting, it’s been radio silence from those guys. Maybe I should send them a fruit basket or something. I don’t know…”
(1). A term used to describe someone who develops business for themselves or their company. They are a key person who keeps new business coming in the door.
“Ross is a rainmaker! The guy is like Dustin Hoffman in the boardroom!”
Props to Mark R. for the submission.
(1). To contact someone, meant to imply a personal or intimate relationship that usually does not exist.
(2). Adds a cheesy and phony new age element to any form of communication, whether E-mail or talk.
“I reached out to Bob this morning to let him know he was termed.”
Props to John D. for the submission!
(1). To futilely attempt to stop the inevitable collapse of a business, project or career.
“Mike, all of these personnel changes you’re making is just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. No one buys our stuff anymore! I mean, who the hell needs a beeper in 2012!”
(1). A nautical term used by new managers or consultants when describing their plan for turning around a struggling business unit (or, in other words, layoffs).
“Team, Q3 results come out tomorrow and I don’t have to tell you all it’s not going to be pretty. We need to right the ship or else all of us are going to be looking for new jobs. Speaking of which…Jim, can I see you in my office after we wrap up here?”
(1). A guy who cracks under pressure, usually resulting in missed deadlines, poor performance reviews and/or embarrassing nervous breakdowns in the office pantry.
“Boy, what a couple of rusty buckets! The minute the clients started questioning our fees, Mike and Jim folded like cheap suits!”
(1). What you always call something you’ve been doing for years that you now suspect no one else does anymore, in an attempt to make it sound like they’re the ones who’ve got it wrong.
“Wait a minute…isn’t it still S.O.P. to keep a second set of books for all of the cash-only sales we close?”
(1). To bug, bother, and otherwise annoy customers who have already said their purchase decision is months away to see if you can squeeze a purchase order from them anyway. Frequently used at month or quarter-end.
“Boy, Drew…you’ve been on the phone all day today. Trying to scrub the funnel before comp day, eh?”
Props to Sean for the submission!
(1). Special skills, products or abilities that you try to make prospects believe your company has that no one else has, when in reality, everyone just sells the same crap.
“I mean, c’mon, it’s not like we have some secret sauce that makes us better than anybody else! We sell toilet seats, for gods’ sakes!”
(1). To weed out the meat of a presentation (a.k.a. the quote) from all of the marketing fluff.
“This all looks great, Don. But I’m having a little trouble separating the wheat from the chaff here. Can you let me know where I can find the fee? … Oh, there it is – footnote 34 in Appendix K…got it.”
(1). A racing-inspired term for changing the subject during a meeting or conference call, usually used when the discussion has drifted into uncomfortable territory for one or more participants and they wish to bring it back to a more friendly or positive topic.
“Okay, why don’t we shift gears here and get back to the holiday promotion. I don’t like where this ‘you guys don’t pay your bills’ conversation is going.”
(1). A mysterious individual, usually masked, who invests in a business but remains behind the scenes in order to protect their identity. This is usually because:
(a). They do not want to be associated with the product or service if it fails.
(b). They do not want to be bothered with the day to day operations of said business.
(c). They just want to be the “money guy” and make it rain.
(d). It is their brother-in-law’s “business” and their sister really needs the money.
“Hey Jesse, I got this new business idea and I’m gonna let you get in on the ground floor. It’s totally legit and you can be my silent partner. Ok, just close your eyes and think of this, “fireworks”. I can make them in my basement and no one else in New York sells em….it’s foolproof!
(1). A term used to describe staffing on (a) the day after Thanksgiving, (b) a Friday in August, or (c) any day on which your boss is traveling.
“Well, we’re running with a bit of a skeleton crew today, so I’m thinking you should probably call back on Monday. Have a great weekend!”
(1). A term used to describe something that takes a really, really, REALLY long time to show any sort of return. Like running a website about corporate jargon.
“Well Alan, SEO is a real slow burn. I realize that you believe everyone is looking for homemade marmalade on Google, but I don’t know if this is the right channel for you to focus on.”
(1). A term used by salesmen to make their job sound more pleasant when in fact they are just cold calling. While usually used as a vote of confidence, it actually means they are nervous about hitting their numbers, and dying a little bit on the inside.
(2). The process of salesmen disturbing you at work during lunch, instead of at home during dinner.
“I’m just smiling and dialing until one hits…please dear god let one or two hit, I knew I shouldn’t have bought that boat, I live in Ohio, why did I buy a boat?!”
(1). A term used by salespeople in struggling business units to generally describe their service pitch to clients and intermediaries, meant to impart an endearing and almost human quality on the offering.
“I think we have a compelling story to tell about our expertise in the powdered milk space. Now, let’s hit those phones!”
(1). A period of time between Memorial Day and Labor Day in which a company (usually a small business) closes around 3 p.m. on Fridays so the bosses can go golfing.
“Okay, team. Now that we’re into Summer Fridays, I want everyone to stay until at least 7, Monday through Thursday, so we don’t lose the billable hours. Oh, and FYI, I’ll be out for the next couple of weeks with limited access to voicemail and email.”
(1). A term used to describe established, non-negotiable beliefs and practices that your firm stands for. Not stakes that you keep on your kitchen table in case of unexpected vampire attacks.
“We have to throw these down as our table stakes, guys. If they don’t like it then they’ll have to find another wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tubeman distributor. While we certainly stand for fun, low-balling us on shipping rates is no laughing matter!”
(1). A common phrase used by sales managers to encourage their employees to work longer hours and more aggressively market their products. The phrase is intended to imply that there is potentially more they could be doing to sell to new clients, when in reality, it is simply a ploy to make it appear management has a longer term plan for the company.
“Team, we really need to take it to the next level if we’re going to continue to claim to be the premier firm in the feral hog extermination industry.”
(1). To very publicly assume responsibility for a certain project or assignment so that your bosses will notice (see go-getter) in the hope that it will lead to either a promotion, raise or both.
“Gil, we’re impressed at how you’ve really taken ownership of this project and made it your own. Now, I’m not exactly thrilled that you’ve devoted so much of your work day to planning the office Christmas party, but…”
(1). To avoid answering a question you either don’t know the answer to or don’t want to answer by spouting a lot of irrelevant (yet intelligent-sounding) nonsense.
“So, the client asks Tom here why we went so over budget on his project and Tom starts doing his little tap dance about how we hit some unforeseen complications…they hired us to do it right…blah, blah, blah. Classic.”
(1). To organize annoying social events for your employees thinking they just need to spend even more time together to start getting along.
“Okay, guys…I think with the disappointing comp numbers and recent defections, we could use a little teambuilding around here. So…we’re going bowling!”
(1). What you call a charge on your company card for a night at a strip club with two guys from Accounting.
“Oh, hi Alison…the $1,000 charge on my card at Wiggles? …umm…thought I would take the troops out after work for a little teambuilding event. Your office? …sure, I can come down to your office…”
(1). A term lazy employees in open-space seating use to justify the hours they spend turned around in their chairs, talking to the people sitting around them about everything except work.
“Hey, boss. Oh, Mike and I were just teaming about the Huntzberger account. No…I don’t think the part about the movie I watched last night on Skinemax was relevant to the discussion…”
(1). What you are going to spread into every corner of your company’s operations, thereby ensuring your job security and, conceptually at least, an easy transition to your boss’s job when he retires.
“I’ve got my tentacles in so many things now, it’s going to be near impossible to get rid of me!”
(1). Allegedly to come up with ideas or solutions that are novel and unique (also prohibitively expensive and often slightly illegal).
“Okay, guys, if we’re going to make this spot exciting, we’re going to have to think outside the box a bit … now, when you think hypoallergenic adult undergarments, what’s the first thing that pops into your head? Tom, go!”
(1). To blame something completely on a colleague that you probably had as much to do with as he did.
“Paul totally threw me under the bus on that call this morning! He was the one who forgot to order more K-Cups, not me! And what the hell are we having a call about K-Cups for anyway!”
(1). An annoying, and grammatically incorrect, segue used to simultaneously sound like you were paying attention in a meeting and stroke your boss’ ego by agreeing with, or basically repeating, what they’ve just said – before adding your own idea gem.
“To Jesse’s point, I think it’s a great idea to spend the event budget on those adorable dancing dogs; and we should definitely have them incorporate our logo into their choreography.”
Props to Marlayna R. for the submission.
(1). Something everyone wants to be, but only the guy with the lowest fee ever is.
(1). An office or desk the company keeps open for employees visiting from other regions. You know, the one where you set up your hot plate and keep all of your unfiled papers.
“Oh, hey Jim. In from Seattle, eh? You can use the touchdown station over there. And if you want something to eat, there’s a fridge under the desk with someone’s yogurt and a couple of Kit Kats from Halloween, I think.”
(1). The way some people get when someone challenges or disagrees with them, often ending in a public (and relatively salty) series of post-meeting rants.
“Whoa…Mike really got up on his hind legs this morning after David pushed back on his proposal. I mean, did you ever hear someone drop the f-bomb so many times during one conference call?”
(1). A term used to describe a pitch by a struggling business unit to try to explain to the firm’s sales force why they should be marketing their product or service (see value add, nice-to-have). Value Propositions often appear desperate, but are useful in providing members of the business unit with bullet points for their resumes, which likely will need to be updated shortly.
“So, let me get this straight. Your firm’s value proposition is that you’re the ‘Pluto’ of the marketing world and you’re making a comeback?”
(1). A term for a business-related market segment to which you focus selling your product or service.
“So, I’m hitting the gun show tomorrow to try to bring these babies to that vertical. Wait…you mean they have actual guns at the gun show? Aw, man…”
Props to Guy G. for the submission.
(1). To explain a proposal in its entirety.
(2). A command by a manager or senior team member (i.e. “walk me through”) for a junior employee to explain a proposal in as short and simple a manner as possible, while still implying that they are interested in the proposal’s details (when in fact they are already thinking about what they are going to have for lunch).
“Okay, Bill. Why don’t you walk me through your plan for a new office filing system. I’m just going to type some notes here and there…maybe check my fantasy teams…what’s that? Oh, nothing, just talking to myself.”
(1). Just a plain old conference room. No guns. No tanks. Just phones, whiteboards, and co-workers.
(2). A description given to one of your office’s conference rooms, usually the largest one, by management to imply it is only for the most important of meetings….which they are usually anything but.
“Ok people, we are meeting in the war room at 3:00pm for a briefing on CuteCatSweaters.com’s holiday plans. Let’s get in there and sell some sweaters!”
(1). This is said after years of poor decisions. This phrase is uttered shortly before the business closes down.
“Alright, everyone…I know it’s been a tough couple of months, but starting right now, we are going to turn this ship around and get back on top!” – Dick Fuld, September 10, 2008
Props to Brett for the submission.
(1). What you say when trying to explain the value you add to the company’s business (which, for most of us, is pretty hard to define).
“‘What we do best’? I’ll tell you what we do best … blah, blah, blah … Just do your job and shut the hell up!”
Props to Brent D. for the submission.
(1). A nice way to describe the work of a low-level employee in a vain attempt to make it sound like you think what they do is way more important than what you do.
“Yeah, trading millions of dollars worth of corporate bonds every day is important to our corporate bond-trading business, but your team’s processing of account paperwork is really where the rubber meets the road!”
(1). An outline of a proposed strategy or other subject requiring in-depth explanation, usually written by multiple parties (see living document) and rarely used by anyone.
“Hey, Tom. Did you happen to read my white paper on the new coffee machine for the office? Either way, I set up a team call to discuss this Friday at 4:30. Hope you can attend.”
(1). Seemingly endless banter back-and-forth between two people at a meeting. With 10 other people in the room. Sitting quietly, checking their blackberries, awkwardly waiting for it to be over.
“Can you believe that ridiculous wiff waff between Sharon and Jim during the 9:30 call this morning? I think they’re sleeping together. Do you think they’re sleeping together? I totally think they’re sleeping together.”
Props to Jan for the submission.
(1). A term typically used by salesmen to describe wooing a client in order to gain their favor, much like Richard Gere did to Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman”.
“Hey Ross, I see you’re doing a little wining and dining with the Henderson boys tonight. Gonna get a little escargot at The Voltaire?”
(1). A person designated in a meeting to encourage honesty and candor (even though most questions are planted by management to make it look like everyone is happy and supportive).
“Okay, Mike…you’re going to be the Yoda in the staff meeting today. We want you to make sure people are speaking their minds. Here are some questions you might want to encourage people to ask.”
(1). A somewhat polite (and yet overly descriptive) way to describe the reason your boss was just fired…and the reason his secretary was recently promoted to vice president.
“People, I wanted to let you know that Mike decided to resign as CFO yesterday…seems he had a bit of a zipper issue earlier this year that we feel may cause some reputational risk to the firm. We’ve named Herman as his temporary replacement. You all know Herman…he’s the guy with the hairy mole on his nose and the moobs…no risks there!”