Consider Me Swiss On This

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(1).  A cop-out used by chronically impartial employees and/or managers so that they can remain comfortably in the middle of an argument.

 

“Sorry guys, but you’re going to have to consider me Swiss on this issue.  I just can’t say that investing the rest of our company’s bailout money in Spanish doubloons is a good or bad idea.  On the one hand it’s a risky investment, on the other hand that guy from Pawn Stars is always in the market for doubloons and seems to have an endless supply of cash.

 

Cool Uncle

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(1).  When a third party is called in (usually your friend) to say the same exact thing you are saying to a long-standing client who no longer trusts your opinion.

 

“Hey Paul, I’ve hit a wall with one of my clients and I’m going to need you to be the cool uncle for me.  Can you write me an email saying that you think it’s a great idea to shut down the website for 30 days to build some mystery around the brand?  I think it’s a home run!

 

Props to Stephan B. for the submission!

 

Core Competency

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(1).  An essential skill or expertise, often found not to be possessed by that guy you hired a couple of weeks ago.

 

“So, Brad…I’m not sure math is one of your core competencies.  You might want to start considering other options.  You know, not with us here at KPMG.”

 

Corporate Citizen

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(1).  Something your company claims to be after paying someone to plant a few trees in Paraguay, despite the fact that they continue to dump gallons of caustic chemicals into the canal behind that plant of theirs in New Jersey.

 

“As you all know, we strive to be a good corporate citizen, which is why we are requiring all of you to commute to work in Chevy Volts.  I, of course, will continue to commute in my G IV.”

 

Corporate Jargon

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(1).  Terms those guys in your IT department keep using over and over again.

 

“What the hell was Ron even saying on that call?  He was just babbling a bunch of corporate jargon.  I’m not even sure what language he was speaking!”

 

Cost Center

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(1).  A department which doesn’t produce any revenue … you know, like the one 90% of you work in.

 

“So, we all know it’s been a tough year.  The good news is that layoffs are going to be focused in the cost centers … as always!  Now, give each other a high five and let’s go sell some bonds!”

 

Critical Mass

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(1).  A term used in an attempt to compare the results of a marketing effort to a nuclear event.  It’s not, by the way, a nuclear event … it’s not even going to be mentioned at next month’s town hall meeting.  Worth it!

 

“Well, I think we’ve achieved critical mass at this point so we can move on to the next stage … did somebody say ‘roadshow‘?!”

 

Cross-Pollination

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(1).  A sexually-charged euphemism for forcing employees to plug their company’s other products or services to their existing clients.

 

“Team, for the coming fiscal year, we are going to be focusing on the cross-pollination of the firm’s other products.  So, get out there and make sure your clients are all opening new checking accounts!  Toasters for all!”

 

Cry Wolf

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(1).  To habitually create a crisis where none truly exists.

 

“What?  Lou said we have a huge accounting error in our quarterly earnings report?  I’m sure it’s fine.  Lou just likes to cry wolf to bring attention to himself.”

 

Cultural Intelligence

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(1).  The P.C. way to say “don’t giggle at your IT guy’s funny accent”.

 

“Guys, we really need to work on your cultural intelligence here.  You just can’t go around calling our helpdesk ‘Bollywood‘.”

 

Cut the Cord

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(1).  To split from a long-standing relationship (like, with a mentor or some other guy you’ve been cowering behind since you got here).

 

“Hey, Steve, got a minute?  Wanted to talk to you about possibly taking over some accounts on your own.  You and Gary make a great team, but I think you’re ready to spread your wings a bit.  Got to cut the cord at some point, right?”

 

CYA

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(1).  In most industries, an acronym for “cover your ass”.  The term is most often used when describing an email or voicemail sent to your boss about some problem before anyone else beats you to it (see post).

 

“You should send Tim an email about this right now, Joe.  Just as a CYA.  Better he hear it from you before anyone else…”

 

(2).  In accounting, an acronym for “call your accountant”.  The term is usually used after receiving some kind of letter from the IRS.

 

“I would CYA on this, Ken.  It says you haven’t filed a return since 1987.  I know you’re backing Ron Paul for president, but…”

 

Dead Fish

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(1).  A term describing a type of handshake that can best be compared to holding a dead trout and shaking it about awkwardly.

 

“Did that guy just slip you the dead fish?  It was like try to grab a live salmon.  I tried to reel it in, but he just wasn’t having it.”

 

Death By A Thousand Cuts

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(1).  Having so many things to do, that you end up at the bar around the corner, having done none of them.

        altdeath by a thousand paper cuts (for you pencil-pushing office rats out there)

 

“Dammit, Greg!  This project is like death by a thousand cuts!  I have so many to-do’s on my list, I don’t even know which one to do first!  Arghh!”  (window breaking… …thud… …)

 

Deck

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(1). A term for a presentation or pitchbook (let’s face it, it’s a PowerPoint presentation), mainly invented to give marketing peeps a cool, new term for a presentation or pitchbook.

 

“Alright guys, let’s get this deck together for tomorrow’s meeting!  Pat, you take care of the slides for your department.  Dave and Dave, same for you.  Pam can you throw together some thoughts around the analytics piece?  I’ll work on the agenda and our logo slide.  Aaaannnddd break!”

 

Deep Dive

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(1). A nautical term used by management (as well as operations or IT…..really anybody) to describe further meetings or presentations which focus on a particular area.

 

(2). A term used as a defense mechanism by account managers to deflect clients’ questions and/or concerns about a particular topic that they have no answer or solution for.

 

“Hey guys, we are going to have to take a deep dive into this subject and get back to you with more in-depth findings.  Let’s pick it up on our next bi-monthly meeting.”

 

 

Deliverable

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(1).  A term used to indicate item(s) due at the end of a project.

 

“Oh, hey Tom…yeah, I know I still have a couple of outstanding deliverables on the conversion project.  Sunday?  Hmm…not sure that’s gonna happen.  I think Jim’s around this weekend, though.  Hey, Jim!  Tom says you gotta come in on Sunday!”

 

Props to Guy G. for the submission.

 

Densification

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(1).  The art of taking a productive, manageable space and stuffing it with as many people as possible to save a couple of bucks on heat or air conditioning or something.

 

(2).  The art of continually hiring people who bring down the overall IQ of the firm.

 

“Alright, everyone … so next week we’re implementing the firm’s densification strategy.  Mike, you’re now sharing an office with Stacy.  Stacy, you’re also sharing an office with Will.  Will, you’re going to be sharing your space with Paul.  And, Paul … what’re your thoughts on standing all day?”

 

Die on the Vine

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(1).  When a project that you really want approved just kind of finds itself left off of the budget committee agenda over and over again until it is eventually forgotten altogether.

 

“I don’t understand it…it wasn’t a huge spend.  I guess it just kind of died on vine…”

 

Dinosaur

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(1).  Someone who is a little bit behind the technological times, like Bill from accounting.  He can never understand why The Home Depot “follows” him around the internet, and is flabbergasted every time he accidentally hits the SIRI button on his iPhone his kids got him for Christmas and is asked how it can help him.  Oh Bill, bless his heart.

 

(2).  If “The Google” got you to this page, then you are a dinosaur.

 

(3).  If Bing got you to this page, then you are a dinosaur.

 

“So get this kids, I opened up the Internet Explorer and Binged how to properly stain a deck like you told me, and wouldn’t ya know it, a video popped up and played right in front of me.  Didn’t have to pay a nickel for it, amazing!  Dinosaur no more, am I right?!”

 

Diplomatically-Challenged Conversation

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(1).  An awkward, and ultimately heated, exchange where someone inevitably says something wildly inappropriate, often ending the conversation with a call to HR.

 

“Yeah, so … let’s just say it was a diplomatically-challenged conversation from start to finish.  I don’t think Mike is going to be going on any more client calls anytime soon.”

 

Disconnect

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(1). A miscommunication, usually resulting from one employee checking email while speaking with another employee and/or not writing down whatever it is he is supposed to do.

 

Disruptor

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(1).  That underselling new competitor that’s going to run your little mom-and-pop operation right out of business.

 

“Let’s be a disruptor in the sector, that’s where we want to be.”

 

Props to R. James for the submission.

 

Does That Make Sense?

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(1).  An oft-repeated question asked at meetings by someone who thinks everyone else in the room are a bunch of mouth-breathing imbeciles who can’t understand the painfully obvious point he is trying to make.

 

“So, the idea is to cut costs by upgrading our OS from Windows 3.1 to Windows 8…does that make sense?  Okay, fine…we’ll convert to Mac…”

 

Props to Bill E. for the submission.

 

Dog-and-Pony Show

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(1).  Your standard presentation to a prospect where you showcase all of the hot chicks in your office and a couple of grayhairs who should be able to answer hard questions, assuming they stay awake during the meeting.

 

“Jim, you and Ashley have to meet with this prospective client tomorrow at the W in Times Square.  Just give them the old dog-and-pony show and get out.  I don’t see this as a short-term prospect.”

 

Dogfooding

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(1).  A term derived from the saying “Eating Your Own Dog Food”, which is when a company (let’s face it, it’s probably a software company) uses itself as the guinea pig for it’s own product to demonstrate how great it is. Ya know, kinda like what Microsoft should have done before it released Windows ME.

 

“I dunno Bill, you realize that everyone hates dogfooding this crap, right?  Y2K?  Like that’s really gonna happen.  That’s like saying BlackBerry won’t be around in 15 years.  Let’s just push this one out.”

 

Props to @Jeremiah for the submission!

 

Dogs And Ponies Stay Outside

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(1).  A term used to discourage overzealous salesmen from overselling themselves and/or their company’s services.

 

“Ok guys, I’m sorry, but I am going to have to stop you there.  While I find it fascinating that you have an office Roomba and have named it ‘Keith’ and treat it like it’s alive, I really need you to get to the point of this conversation.  Dogs and ponies stay outside, ya get what I’m sayin’?”

 

Done Done

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(1).  Completed to the point that it no longer requires discussion, or in other words, 100% completed.

 

“Thanks for your feedback here, Mike, but this presentation is done done at this point, so next time you might want to respond to my request for comments a little quicker than three months later.”

 

Props to Josh B. for the submission.

 

Doom And Gloom

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(1).  When things aren’t going great for your company, this term starts to pop up in every meeting and water cooler conversation to liken the often not so bad situation to the coming apocalypse.

 

“Well folks the reports coming down from the mothership are all doom and gloom.  Sales and revenue may be at a comfortable level, but it sounds like the company retreat is going to be in Tampa this year.  Tampa!  Can you guys believe it?  Hard times.”

 

(2).  A term used to describe the curmudgeonly HR director’s attitude when things aren’t going well for the company.

 

“I can’t even talk to Lynne when she is like this, it’s all doom and gloom with her!  I mean, the bagel guy said he was only going to be on vacation for a week!”

 

Double Revenue

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(1).  Something used in management reporting that probably means you’re intentionally double-billing your clients every now and then.

 

“Okay, and if you’ll all flip to page 3, you’ll see our double revenue numbers for this year.  Not as solid as we would have liked, but we’re looking to ramp it up for next year.  Some kind of bundling fee or customer service charge or something…”

 

Props to Hilari for the submission.

 

Dress For The Job You Want, Not The Job You Have

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(1).  A statement suggesting that wearing that Pearl Jam t-shirt to work probably isn’t the best path to management.

 

“Hey Dave, I saw you applied for the director’s position, that’s great!  One thing though.  “Ten” came out like 20 years ago so you might want to start throwing a button-down on once in awhile.  Dress for the job you want, not the job you have!  Ya know what I mean?”

 

Drill Down

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(1). To discuss a topic in more detail; usually suggested during meetings by someone who has no idea what anyone is talking about.

 

“I think we need to drill down a bit more on this one.  Just saying ‘it is what it is’ just doesn’t do it for me.”

 

Drink the Kool-Aid

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(1).  To accept corporate propoganda as truth, often feigned in an attempt to curry favor with one’s superiors.

 

(2).  To blindly follow what other companies are doing regardless of how silly and/or unprofitable the move may be.

 

“Alright, team, we’re just going to drink the Kool-Aid on this one.  I have a tee time in an hour.” 

 

“It’s always scary to drink the Kool-Aid, but it’s far scarier to be different!”

 

Drop the Ball

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(1).  Expression used to imply someone has not taken proper action when prompted (i.e. shirking or neglecting one’s duties).

 

“Scott really dropped the ball on that project when he skipped the conference call.  He never referred the information to the client and now they’re irate at us!”

 

Props to Brad for the submission.

 

Due Diligence

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(1).  Taking the proper amount of a time (read: an exorbitant amount of time) to vet through a current prospect, acquisition, project, endeavor, thought, initiative, yadda, yadda, yadda.

 

“Alright everybody, as Sandy always says, we have to do our due diligence on this. I put the timeline at 4-6 months to decide whether or not we are going to buy 1% milk or whole milk for the common kitchen area.  Andrea, you have 2 weeks to put a deck together on the pro’s and con’s for this initiative.”

 

Duplicate Effort

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(1).  When two people are working on overlapping projects that will basically get you to the same place in the end.

 

“Now, I don’t want to duplicate effort here, so I think we should let Tom put the presentation for the Honolulu conference together… Ken, why don’t you focus on booking Tom and I flights and hotels for the trip to Hawaii…?”

 

Earth Day

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(1).  A national holiday commemorating the first time companies started putting a bin in the pantry for old RSA fobs (see WFH-ing) and Blackberry batteries.

 

“Happy Earth Day everyone!  Today marks the beginning of our green initiative and we will begin to send out all of our invoices electronically.  Clients who still prefer to get a paper copy of their invoice will still receive one of course.  You know what they say, Rome wasn’t built in a day!”

 

Easy Button

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(1).  A gimmick crafted by the devil himself (Staples) to give people who frequent American Idol concerts and display Troll Dolls on their desks a reason to talk about how hard their job is.

 

(2).  A plastic red button that people display on their desk as an unfunny, out of date conversation piece.

 

“Oh man,  I can’t believe how much work I have to get done today!  Wish I had an easy button to just do it for me!  I’ll bet ya Phil Phillips doesn’t have work like this!  Kelly Clarkson??  She has people doing it for her!!  Cat Deeley is so pretty…..”

 

Ecosystem

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(1).  A customer’s business environment taking into account all exogenous factors (otherwise known as: reality).

 

“What we really want to do is get a sense of the ecosystem in which you operate, Sal.  So, what can you tell us about your waste management business?”

 

Props to Vannprime for the submission.

 

Efforting

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(1).  To work on something known to be futile.

 

“Oh, hi Jim … the Hanson account? … umm … yeah, we’re efforting to get that through the pipeline this week, but … you know … with year-end and all, it might be delayed a bit … umm … sure, I know it’s a really important client … I’ll touch base with you on Monday, okay? … yep, Merry Christmas to you, too…”

 

Elevator Speech

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(1).  It’s supposed to be a 15 to 30-second speech that pitches your company to a fictitious prospect you meet in an elevator.  Everyone’s sucks and only speakers in marketing seminars think they work.

 

“Alright, John … so, your elevator speech could use some work.  First off, when someone asks you where you work, you should avoid saying ‘Hell’.”

 

Email Bomb

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(1). Using the delivery function on Outlook to send an email to make it appear as though you’re in your office when you’re actually at the gym, home, bar, etc.

 

“Wow! Greg was at work awfully early today!”

 

“Do you really think he wrote and sent 9 emails at 6:07 a.m.?  He totally dropped an email bomb.”

 

Props to Jeff Q. for the submission.

 

Empire-Building

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(1).  When you only hire people in your department who will never, ever pose a threat to you.  That’s one way to find the “best people”, champ.

 

“So, we’ve had four people come through here that were perfect for the job.  But Florence rejected every one of them.  Trying a little empire-building, I think.  The joke’s on her, though … we’re just going to take away the req.”

 

Empty Suit

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(1).  Any corporate executive, financial advisor, lawyer or accountant who adds no substance to any situation and are usually present for the purpose of (1) running up fees, or (2) making the client feel important.

 

“Okay guys, Dave and I will be running the meeting.  Steve, you and Sean are just some empty suits in the room to make the team look bigger.  Sell it!”

 

Endgame

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(1). A term that compares the final stages of a project, to the fight to the death between Jacob Kell and Duncan MacLeod in Highlander.

 

“Well I don’t get it Vito, what’s their endgame here?  Do they want to be the best dog grooming truck on the market or don’t they?  There can be only one!”

 

Every Finger And Toe Is In The Dike

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(1). A ridiculous term that compares resources being spread too thin, to a human trying to plug a dam that is structurally unsound with their extremities.

 

“Sorry guys, we just don’t have the bandwidth to pull this damn (pun!) project off.  Every finger and toe is in the dike at the moment.”

 

props to Sean C. & Jeff L. for the submission.

 

Exploratory Interview

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(1).  A job interview your dad got you with a company that’s not hiring.

 

“Next steps?  Well, Jim, this is just an exploratory interview right now, but if something opens up down the road, I’d love to continue our conversation.”

 

Face Time

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(1).  The tedious task of actually seeing and interacting with your client in person.

 

(2).  An unwelcome meet-up with your client that happens much too often and usually require a significant amount of traveling.  Most of the time these meet-ups revolve around the clients “hectic” schedule which is either a result of them being bored, or being at a conference in the middle of nowhere.

 

“Hey Alda, you know what?  I think we should meet up for some face time at the Monarch Butterfly Expo in Albuquerque!  It’s just as short plane, bus and cab drive away from you.  Whaddya say?”