BLOG
(1). A 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. workday, usually used by those who work much longer hours (see lawyers’ hours) in an attempt to look better to their bosses or co-workers than those who don’t.
“Whoa, heading home already, Steve? Guess we’re working bankers’ hours now. I was just about to throw another pot of coffee on. Hey boss, you want a cup? I asked Steve but he’s leaving for the night.”
0-4+4-1
(1). An acronym for “Business Continuity Plan”, or, a company’s plan to keep working after a hurricane or terrorist attack that looks really good on paper but will never work in a million years BECAUSE EVERYONE WILL BE RUNNING AWAY.
“Hey, team…just wanted to remind everyone of the BCP test we are running this week. Basically, we just want all of you to work from home…yep…that’s the plan…”
0-4+20
(1). A caveat added to a promise to complete a task requested after a known or stated deadline, often used by operations to pre-emptively excuse the fact that they have absolutely no intention of completing the annoyingly last-minute request in the first place.
“Well, given that it’s 4:30 on a Friday, running a report of all your transactions since 1996 by the end of the week is going to be on a best efforts basis…”
0-4+10
(1). A self-promoting way to describe a firm’s customer service or products, meant to imply that the firm is number one in the industry (a claim for which there is likely no basis and is highly disclaimed in the fine print at the back of the promotional material).
“Team, we’re rolling out our new value proposition to reaffirm to the world our best in class status in the industry.”
0-4+10
(1). A situation in which a group of co-workers meet to decide who will take the fall for a major screw-up for which nobody wants to accept responsibility.
“Okay, team…we, don’t want to create a blamestorm here, but I think we all know Tom was the one that forgot to send out the presentation…am I right?”
Props to Mary D. for the submission.
0-4+10
(1). To attempt to merge a new application with your current systems, usually resulting in a Frankenstein-looking mess that will decrease efficiency while increasing frustration.
“So, we’re going to bolt on a bill pay program to our banking platform. It’s going to be great for our clients, but might require a bit more manual intervention by you guys while we work out the kinks. Merry Christmas!”
0-4+3-1
(1). Ongoing client relationship management. The term is generally used to describe the absolute smallest amount of work you think you can do to avoid the client firing you.
“Now that the client’s accounts are all in and invested, it should really just be down to basic care and feeding at this point. As I always say – Get ‘em in, get ‘em invested, then see you in January!”
0-4+10
(1). A suggestion made over email intended to indicate that something should not be discussed over email.
“Let’s catch up live when you have a moment to discuss the issue with the Smith account.”
0-4+10
(1). People who usually have more direct access to potential clients than you do (usually a bunch of obnoxious lawyers or accountants who love getting free stuff from banks).
“We’re going to be focusing our outreach efforts this year on local centers of influence. That means we’re going to need a larger budget for tote bags, pens and the occasional day planner.”
0-4+10
(1). A way for a salesperson to try to weasel out of following some compliance rule by appealing to everyone’s desire to not lose a client.
“I hear you, Barbara…the SEC requires this disclosure…blah, blah, blah…but, seriously, this is going to be a big client experience issue for us, so can’t we just hold off until after the account comes in to send it out?”
0-4+10
(1). An excuse made by employees to management or other co-workers for a seemingly ridiculous or blatantly time-wasting request or project.
“Okay team, we need to run a full analysis of every transaction in the Smith account since 2002. This is a client-driven request, so let’s roll up our sleeves and bang this out as quickly as possible.”
0-4+10
(1). To take expensive and time-consuming exams and classes (see credentializer) in order to add impressive-sounding letters after your name on your resume.
“You’ve got to credentialize that resume, Tom. I mean, look at me. I’ve got my CFP, CLU, CTFA, ChFC, AIAF and Series 7, 63 and 24 licenses. Where did I go to college? Well…that was a long time ago…umm…”
0-4+2-2
(1). A term used to indicate that you or your team are much too busy to respond to any additional requests (when you are acutally enjoying a liquid lunch in a bar down the street).
0-4+1-1
(1). A sexually-charged euphemism for forcing employees to plug their company’s other products or services to their existing clients.
“Team, for the coming fiscal year, we are going to be focusing on the cross-pollination of the firm’s other products. So, get out there and make sure your clients are all opening new checking accounts! Toasters for all!”
0-4+10
(1). A term used when trying to deflect a client’s request for your opinion on the future of the economy or, even worse, his investment performance.
“Look, Brenda, I don’t want to give you some kind of crystal ball analysis about what’s going to happen two, three years from now. What I can tell you is that your overall portfolio could’ve done a lot worse considering all the Facebook stock we bought!”
0-4+20
(1). In finance, an expression used in client meetings to (1) dissuade a client from making or avoiding investment changes purely to avoid (or incur) capital gains taxes, and (2) allow the speaker to show the client how witty he is, while throughly enjoying the sound of his own voice.
“Well, you know what they say, “don’t let the tax tail wag the investment dog“. Am I right or am I right? This guy knows what I’m talking about!”
0-400
(1). To discuss a topic in more detail; usually suggested during staff meetings by knowledgeable employees in an attempt to draw the group’s focus to them.
0-4+20
(1). n - the hard drive of a computer or server on a corporate network.
(2). v – to lead in pushing a project toward completion.
(3). v – to use the mouse or keyboard during a technology training session.
0-400
(1). A hunting-inspired term used to explain to new stock brokers that their compensation is completely dependent on their sales numbers.
“Sorry, Brian…you eat what you kill around here, you know. Didn’t hit your numbers, so off to your new life as a barista you go.”
Props to Mark R. for the submission.
0-4+30
(1). Mysterious secrets known only to business consultants which are intended to make a company operate in a more proficient and cost-effective manner (see achieve scale). Usually referenced by project managers to indicate to their superiors that they are adding value, when in reality, they are simply maintaining an endless “to do” list.
“Look, Tim, my job here is to find efficiencies that will make us a better business. Now, if you don’t mind, I have to get back to re-writing our coffee break policies and procedures.”
0-4+10
(1). An artificial deadline for an IT or Ops project to be completed, generally ignored by staff and management alike. The “go live date” may actually occur anywhere between two weeks and three years from the original, stated timeframe.
0-4+10
(1). The failure to stop talking after a client has already agreed to whatever it is you wanted them to do, often causing them to rethink their decision, which in turn results in you going home empty-handed.
“So, the meeting was going great…they agreed to move forward and I was pulling out the paperwork for them to sign…and then here comes Henry! He wouldn’t shut up! He just kept going and going. I can’t remember what he said exactly, but they told us they needed to ‘think about it some more’ and that’s where the meeting ended…talk about grabbing defeat out of the jaws of victory!”
0-4+10
(1). The lion’s share of a wealth manager’s job. Rich people can be very needy at times.
“Yeah, the meeting went fine. These folks need a lot of hand holding, you know? Hey, as long as they keep paying those fees, right?”
0-4+10
(1). A delicate term used to describe wealthy (and, thus, sensitive and emotional) clients who treat everyone they come in contact with as “the help”.
“This is a high touch business, people. Our clients just won’t tolerate things like weekends off, nights with the family or religious holidays. We’re always on!”
0-4+10
(1). When management thinks they are smarter than everyone else, including their regulators.
(2). When management thinks they can simply manage their way out of anything.
“Well, Ken…I think there’s a little institutional arrogance coming out of the executive office on this Reg. W thing. If it were me, I probably wouldn’t have opened the meeting by calling the Fed examiners a bunch of pencil-pushing bureaucrats. But, that’s just me.”
Props to Tim P. for the submission.
0-4+30
(1). A way to identify a document or email that should not be sent outside of the firm, unless of course you are a disgruntled employee seeking a spectacular exit from your current job.
“Dude, I’m pretty sure that spreadsheet you just sent to the Wall Street Journal was internal-use only.”
0-40-1
(1). Stock broker.
“Okay, guys … we really want to start targeting high-net worth individuals this year. So, we’re going to start calling you ‘investment professionals‘ to show you do more than push product. That said, keep pushing product.”
0-4+20
(1). To only execute a portion of an investment plan, just in case your recommendations end up sucking.
“Given the markets lately, I’d like to keep some powder dry in case we see a tactical move we’d like to make down the road. That’s okay, I’m not really sure I understand what I just said either…”
0-4+10
(1). A euphemism for a low-quality class of prospective clients that the firm believes will be easy to “pick off”. The term is usually used during strategy meetings in which management announces its decision to focus its marketing efforts on higher volume (as opposed to quality of clients) in order to meet its revenue goals.
“Okay team, this year we’re going to focus on the low-hanging fruit out there. How do we do it? VOLUME! That’s how we do it!”
(2). A term that describes “easy wins” used by salesmen to give prospective clients a sense of euphoria that you and only you hold the keys to their success. After the contract is signed, the salesman will then exit the relationship, forever.
“What we’ll do first is go after the low-hanging fruit to give you a leg up on your competition. Once that process is complete, your account manager will explain the plan going forward.”
0-4+30
(1). How fancy, snooty business men concluded meetings in England in the mid 1800′s.
(2). How fancy, snooty bankers & Wall Street folk currently conclude meetings.
“Old business?! No? On to new business then..”
0-4+10
(1). How fancy, snooty business men began meetings in England in the mid 1800′s.
(2). How fancy, snooty bankers & Wall Street folk currently begin meetings.
“Old business?! No? On to new business then..”
0-4+10
(1). To open accounts for a new client, usually involving long, unexplained delays, endless, intrusive paperwork and little to no satisfaction once complete.
“Yeah, so we’re looking to onboard the Hanson accounts sometime next week. Just need them to provide blood and hair samples and we should be all set.”
0-4+10
(1). A word consultants and IT guys use to identify systems or processes that decrease worker productivity, in an attempt to develop better methods (also known as efficiencies).
“So, tell me Andy, would you consider the company’s onboarding process one of your pain points? You mentioned in your questionnaire that it takes two weeks and involves seven different levels of approval….hmm…let’s just mark that down as a ‘yes’.”
0-4+30
(1). A check to make sure the action you are recommending will help your client sleep better at night.
“The important thing to ask yourself, Mrs. Gilchrist, is whether putting your entire retirement savings into shares of Facebook is going to pass the pillow test. Given the commissions I would make on the trade, I would say ‘yes’.”
0-4+10
(1). A really, really complicated way to say slamming the barn door after the horse is gone.
“Alright, now that we’ve converted to the new accounting system, we need to go through our post-implementation review process to make sure it’s going to work. Somehow, I feel we should have asked more questions up front…oh well, too late now!”
Props to A3 for the submission.
0-4+10
(1). A way to refer to a company’s sales force as a collective group without actually using the word “sales”.
(2). An operations term referring to a document or application that is being prepared for release.
“For a change of pace, this year the company is going to focus its hiring and compensation in the production area of the business.”
0-400
(1). n. A potential client which is currently being courted by a salesperson. Prospects are generally treated as the most important person in the world during the marketing phase of the relationship. However, once the prospect becomes an actual client, they will receive the same half-interested, annual-meetings-level of service as any of the salesperson’s other clients.
“I’ve got this huge prospect I’m working on right now, Jeff. I don’t want to count chickens, but I’m feeling Bentley right now!”
(2). v. A gold-mining inspired term meaning to seek out new clients, either through direct marketing (i.e. cold calling) or networking (i.e. volunteering for a charity in hopes of meeting new clients). As with gold mining, prospecting often leads to several dead ends, fool’s gold deposits (i.e. clients who lie about their net worth) and occasionally, a gem.
“Sup, Lo-Dawg. I’m gonna need a couple hits for tonight. Going out prospecting at the clubs, yo!”
0-4+10
(1). In finance, to invest newly-received client assets in products offered by the firm. The term is usually uttered by anxious stockbrokers (many of whom have already put down money on a pool or new car) when discussing, internally, clients who are reluctant to approve their investment recommendations.
0-400
(1). A rough calculation or estimate.
“Hey, Joel…I’ve got a meeting in twenty. Can you get me the average annual fees on the Johnson account since inception. Just give me the quick and dirty.”
Props to Mark R. for the submission.
(2). An excuse to do sloppy work on grounds that the work product will only be used once or temporarily, when in fact it will immediately become a fundamental piece of the organization’s infrastructure.
“Yeah, I could’ve stayed all night working on this thing, but since they’re only going to use it for talking points, I just did the quick and dirty.”
Props to Mike S. for the submission.
0-4+20
(1). A biblically-inspired phrase describing an action which will result in a net benefit of zero, often used in finance to dissuade clients from making unnecessary investment changes.
0-4+10
(1). The act of blindly approving things at work, some of which may actually be important and should really be looked over before you sign it.
“Well, if this is just going to be some kind of rubber stamp exercise, why can’t we just buy an actual rubber stamp? My wrist is killing me!”
0-4+10
(1). The slow, silent expansion of responsibilities by an operations department or, worse, an outsourced service provider. Scope Creep is usually only discovered after you receive an outsized bill or you realize that your job has somehow been centralized in a foreign country.
“Aren’t we a little concerned about scope creep here, Mike? Remember what happened when we centralized our client service reps a few years ago – all of sudden we had 200 guys in Bangalore calling themselves ‘Steve from Dallas’!”
0-4+20
(1). A term generally used when providing negative feedback intended to imply that a particular empolyee is lazy or takes an inordinate amount of time to complete tasks. Over-caffeinated junior stockbrokers often use the term to describe the pace of action by other, non-commission-based areas of the firm (e.g. operations), implying that only they are truly providing adequate service to their clients (when, in actuality, all they really care about is getting paid faster).
“Hi Jim, it’s Pierce. Hope you’re doing well. Just wanted to check in on the hold-up with the Altman account. You know this is a really important client to the firm and I just don’t think you’re showing the same sense of urgency we are about getting this account open. Now, I understand today is Christmas, but…”
0-4+10
(1). In finance, a term used to describe client assets currently managed by the firm. Usually used during sales staff meetings to encourage employees to get their existing clients to increase the size of their relationship with the firm, often through cross-pollination.
0-400
(1). To refine an analysis or proposal after a client tells you to try again. The term is typically heard during an embarrassing tap dance after the materials your new analyst prepared for the meeting ended up being a total mess. Next time, you might want to take a peek at the book before you walk into the the meeting, champ.
“I hear what you’re saying, Peter, and we’ll go back after we break up here, sharpen our pencils and get those new estimates to you ASAP … in the meantime, any updates on our last three invoices? Just checking…”
0-4+10
(1). What your boss with the B.A. in Sociology tells people when asked where he went to B-School.
“Well, I consider myself a student of the industry. Why, I remember when we were still making cold calls on a rotary phone! So, you said your dad’s a CFO of something or other? Would love to meet him sometime!”
0-4+10
(1). In finance, to sell investments that have appreciated quickly in an attempt to lock in profits. The phrase is used by financial advisors when speaking with clients to provide them with a sense of accomplishment that will; 1 lead to their approval, and 2 allow the advisor to gloss over the poor performance of other investments in the portfolio.
0-400
(1). An utterly useless object, akin to a coffee table, that sits in the spaces between groups of non-trader employees trapped at trading desks (or pods) to give them the illusion that they have a conference room or other private gathering place.
(2). A repository for unfiled papers, trade journals and half-eaten office birthday party cake.
0-400
(1). Something completely overblown that’s really not a big deal at all.
(2). Something Jamie Dimon really wishes he never said.
“Now Legal wants to get involved with this? That’s ridiculous! This is just a tempest in a teapot. So what if we lost millions of client dollars by betting it all on the pass line! That’s why they call it gambl…investing, isn’t it?!”
0-4+10
(1). A corporate shill who incessantly spouts the company line and is always sickeningly positive about everything. He will be your boss within eighteen months.
“Just look at Paul over there! He’s a real thought leader here at the firm. Always looking for ways to find efficiencies and cost-cutting solutions. Come to think of it, almost all of his solutions involve consolidating roles…in him…hmmm…”
0-4+10
(1). A bank employee who’s not exactly a lawyer, but not exactly a broker. He receives no commission for bringing in new business and often is required to say “no” to his clients for seemingly mundane requests. He … oh, who cares? Just think Jane Hathaway from The Beverly Hillbillies and you’ve got the idea.
“So, Eugene … you’re a trust officer … okay, so what exactly does a trust officer do … ? Hmm … I’m not sure those skills translate to anything we are looking for right now. Thanks for coming by, though, I’m sure you’re a valued part of the team over there at [insert bank name].”
Happy 500th term, CheesyCorporateLingo.com!
0-4+20
(1). Used to refer to a sales team with insufficient resources or seniority. Often used in a self-deprecating way to refer to one’s own efforts to land new clients, while at the same time having the alternative meaning of the sales leader overcoming the insufficiencies of his organization and persisting to win new clients.
“We just completed the European tour. It’s tough man, just two guys and a dog. But we did have good traction with a couple key accounts.”
Props to Adam T. for the submission!
0-4+20
(1). To bill separately for additional services that some competitors may provide free of charge. These fees are generally intended to cover the costs of unnecessary business units (see nice-to-have) whose services can easily be removed from the firm’s offering in a down year and are often waived anyway.
“Everybody, we’re going to start up-charging our clients a technology fee. If anyone asks, just tell them we needed to invest in new technology to make sure their campaign ran at an optimal level. Gold mine.”
0-4+10
(1). An indeterminate skill or service that is generally considered unimportant or extraneous. Members of unnecessary business units (see nice-to-have) often use the term to justify to management that the service they provide is vital to the company. Value Adds are often difficult to identify and explain, and may provide management with an excuse to liquidate the business unit altogether.
“We need to show the client the value adds we’re bringing to the table here. How else are we going to justify the ridiculous fee we just quoted?”
0-4+10
(1). A sense of camaraderie and service. The term is usually used when indicating to someone that they (or their team) are being obstructive or unhelpful.
“You know, Mike, I’m not really getting a warm and fuzzy feeling from you guys on this. All we’re asking is that you take on this extremely time-consuming project at half your normal fee. This is for a really huge client of ours, you know!”
0-4+10
(1). Stock broker … who also might sell insurance.
“Okay, guys … we really want to start targeting high-net worth individuals this year. So, we’re going to start calling you ‘wealth advisors‘ to show you do more than push product. That said, keep pushing product.”
0-4+10
(1). A hugely rich prospect which, if they become a client, will probably allow the broker to go out and buy that Maserati he’s had his eye on.
“So, I heard Scott over there landed a whale last week. I also heard you didn’t, so…I think we’re going to have to let you go, Gary.”
0-4+10
(1). A top-tier law firm, generally populated with pretentious Ivy Leaguers who are, for all intents and purposes, in love (and possibly trying to have sex) with their business cards. Attorneys in white shoe firms never miss an opportunity to tell you (i) where they work, and (ii) where they went to law school.
“His resume says he works at a big, white shoe firm, so I’m not sure we can get him to leave given what we are willing to offer. Wait … he’s a 14th year associate? Offer him $40,000 and some kind of ‘junior partner’ title and he’s gone.”
+10
(1). A hokey, colloquial phrase intended to dissuade clients from selling out of a declining investment due to short-term market fluctuations. Clients are often puzzled as to the phrase’s meaning, leading them to take no action, which was, of course, the speaker’s intent.
+10