Administrative Professionals’ Day

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(1).  The annual festival where the streets are paved with Starbucks gift cards.

 

“Hey, Paul … how much are you putting in for the Administrative Professionals’ Day gift?  …  it’s Secretaries’ Day … so, twenty bucks, right?”

 

Bring Your Child To Work Day

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(1).  A day in which the lies parents tell their kids about their job are tested, with moderate to no success.

 

“Ok Danny, when daddy said he “worked with Derek Jeter”, he didn’t so much mean he played for the Yankees, as he cleans the locker room at Yankee Stadium.”

 

Cinco de Mayo

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(1).  Cinco de Mayo is a day dedicated to the commemoration of the Mexican army’s highly unanticipated victory over the French (stupid French) at the Battle of Puebla on May 5th, 1862.  Of course, in the United States it is celebrated as a day of Mexican heritage pride by a bunch of non-Mexican heritage white people appropriately buying a ton of avocado’s, drinking Corona, and ordering in from Moe’s.  Ole’.  It is often confused with Mexico’s independence day, which is September 16th.

 

(2).  Some also believe today is the day the first bowl of guacamole was created, but that seems somewhat racist, so we don’t support that delicious interpretation.

 

Si usted puede leer esto, que si se puede, entonces usted sabe que he usado una herramienta de traducción de chabolas, entonces usted sabe que este día es paparruchas total y sólo una razón para que la gente irse del trabajo temprano y se cargan en un día laborable. Don t me malinterpreten, estoy literalmente salir por la puerta en On The Border en este momento, ¡pero tanto realistas, esta fiesta no realmente captura la esencia de lo que se supone que este día para estar a punto. Todo el mundo sabe que Cinco de Mayo conmemora el primer lote de guacamole está realizando y todas estas partes son una farsa completa. Independientemente, Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

 

For funsies, feel free to copy and paste the above into Google Translate.  The sentences will be fragmented, but hey, you’ll get it.

 

Earth Day

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(1).  A national holiday commemorating the first time companies started putting a bin in the pantry for old RSA fobs (see WFH-ing) and Blackberry batteries.

 

“Happy Earth Day everyone!  Today marks the beginning of our green initiative and we will begin to send out all of our invoices electronically.  Clients who still prefer to get a paper copy of their invoice will still receive one of course.  You know what they say, Rome wasn’t built in a day!”

 

Fourth of July

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(1).  The annual celebration of the United States’ independence from its doddering, old father, England.  It’s also the day when your neighbor gets to (once again) try to blow his hand off by shooting off insanely illegal fireworks in what seems to be the general direction of your house.

 

“Hey, Tom.  I’m going to try to bug out at one o’clock today.  Want to beat the traffic out of the city, if I can,  Oh, before you leave, could you put together that P and L report for the board and circulate it to everyone?  Shouldn’t take more than five or six hours, I would think.  Happy Fourth of July!”

 

Labor Day

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(1).  Declared a federal holiday in 1894 by President Grover Cleveland, Labor Day (according to Wikipedia, at least) was originally intended to commemorate the social contributions of the labor unions.  Today, it is the unholy declaration of the end of summer for millions of children and teachers everywhere.  As for the working man, it just means his morning commutes are about to start getting colder and colder each day.

 

“I can’t wait for Labor Day this year!  It means all of my kids are going back to school and my weekends will now be filled with soccer games and gymnastics competitions which for some reason are always scheduled for Sundays at 1 pm!  Hooray!”

 

The Day After Thanksgiving

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(1).  Also referred to as “Leftover Day” and/or “Hangover Day”, the national holiday commemorating the day the Pilgrims woke up at two in the afternoon (a) under a picnic table, or (b) next to some Native American chick they didn’t even remember talking to last night.

 

Americans today celebrate by (a) showing up late for work, (b) not showing up for work at all, or (c) running out of an 8 a.m. meeting to throw up.

 

Happy Turkey Day, everyone!