Unpack This For Me

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(1).  A ridiculously dorky way of asking someone to explain something to you.

 

“Paul, can you unpack this report for me?  It makes no sense.”

 

Props to Keri K. for the submission.

 

Up And Coming

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(1).  In real estate listings, a nice way to say “in a really dangerous neighborhood”.

 

“The location?  Oh, it’s really an up and coming area!  They just tore down the Laundromat, and I heard a Family Dollar’s going up where the old halfway house used to be!”

 

Up On His Hind Legs

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(1).  The way some people get when someone challenges or disagrees with them, often ending in a public (and relatively salty) series of post-meeting rants.

 

“Whoa…Mike really got up on his hind legs this morning after David pushed back on his proposal.  I mean, did you ever hear someone drop the f-bomb so many times during one conference call?”

 

Up-Charge

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(1).  To bill separately for additional services that some competitors may provide free of charge.  These fees are generally intended to cover the costs of unnecessary business units (see nice-to-have) whose services can easily be removed from the firm’s offering in a down year and are often waived anyway.

 

“Everybody, we’re going to start up-charging our clients a technology fee.  If anyone asks, just tell them we needed to invest in new technology to make sure their campaign ran at an optimal level.  Gold mine.”

 

Uplift

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(1).  A huge, and largely cosmetic, upgrade to your current, obsolete systems.  Or in other words … money well spent!

 

“So, we are looking to roll out the platform uplift sometime in Q2.  Certain dependencies remain which may impact this timeline, including Ken over here never showing up for work.  Oh, and Ken?  Can you see me in my office after this call?”

 

Value Add

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(1).  An indeterminate skill or service that is generally considered unimportant or extraneous.  Members of unnecessary business units (see nice-to-have) often use the term to justify to management that the service they provide is vital to the company.  Value Adds are often difficult to identify and explain, and may provide management with an excuse to liquidate the business unit altogether.

 

“We need to show the client the value adds we’re bringing to the table here.  How else are we going to justify the ridiculous fee we just quoted?”

 

Value Proposition

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(1).  A term used to describe a pitch by a struggling business unit to try to explain to the firm’s sales force why they should be marketing their product or service (see value add, nice-to-have).  Value Propositions often appear desperate, but are useful in providing members of the business unit with bullet points for their resumes, which likely will need to be updated shortly.

 

“So, let me get this straight.  Your firm’s value proposition is that you’re the ‘Pluto’ of the marketing world and you’re making a comeback?”

 

Verbal Dexterity Coach

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(1).  Some senior sales guy that’s assigned to teach the new hires how to get little old ladies to unwittingly buy their crappy reverse mortgages.

 

“So, I was talking to my verbal dexterity coach today and he told me I need to beef up my emotional intelligence before they’ll let me start prospecting again.  I don’t get it … what’s wrong with handing out business cards at a funeral home?!”

 

Version Control

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(1).  Something very difficult to maintain when you keep asking fifteen people for “their thoughts” in every, stinking email you send (see too many cooks in the kitchen).

 

“So, it looks like we’re having a little problem with version control here.  I’m looking at the one marked ‘v.2 MGH’, but Tom seems to have one marked ‘v.4 JKL’.  Anyone know which one is the latest?  Maybe we should just start over?”

 

Vertical

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(1).  A term for a business-related market segment to which you focus selling your product or service.

 

“So, I’m hitting the gun show tomorrow to try to bring these babies to that vertical.  Wait…you mean they have actual guns at the gun show?  Aw, man…”

 

Props to Guy G. for the submission.

 

Walk Through

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(1).  To explain a proposal in its entirety.

 

(2).  A command by a manager or senior team member (i.e. “walk me through”) for a junior employee to explain a proposal in as short and simple a manner as possible, while still implying that they are interested in the proposal’s details (when in fact they are already thinking about what they are going to have for lunch).

 

“Okay, Bill.  Why don’t you walk me through your plan for a new office filing system.  I’m just going to type some notes here and there…maybe check my fantasy teams…what’s that?  Oh, nothing, just talking to myself.”

 

War Room

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(1).  Just a plain old conference room.  No guns.  No tanks.  Just phones, whiteboards, and co-workers.

 

(2).  A description given to one of your office’s conference rooms, usually the largest one, by management to imply it is only for the most important of meetings….which they are usually anything but.

 

“Ok people, we are meeting in the war room at 3:00pm for a briefing on CuteCatSweaters.com’s holiday plans.  Let’s get in there and sell some sweaters!”

 

Warm and Fuzzy

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(1).  A sense of camaraderie and service.  The term is usually used when indicating to someone that they (or their team) are being obstructive or unhelpful.

 

“You know, Mike, I’m not really getting a warm and fuzzy feeling from you guys on this.  All we’re asking is that you take on this extremely time-consuming project at half your normal fee.  This is for a really huge client of ours, you know!”

 

Warm Body

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(1).  An open position you need to fill so badly, it doesn’t really matter who you get as long as you get them in soon.

 

“Look, with Aaron and Frank both quitting three weeks apart, we need to get a warm body in here to start punching keys ASAP.”

 

Warm Hold

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(1).  A way to tell a job candidate “no” without actually having to say “no”.  (WARNING: May lead to uncomfortable follow-up phone calls and emails.)

 

“Yeah, I’m not sure this guy’s firm material, you know what I mean?  Well, let’s put him on a warm hold for now and call in some other candidates.”

 

Water the Vegetables

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(1).  To check in on, and possibly feed, the coma patients in the hospital.

 

“Okay, Alice…since it’s you’re first week on the job, you get to water the vegetables tonight.  Just try not to Garp any of them.”

 

Props to Cid R. for the submission.

 

We Are Going To Turn This Ship Around

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(1).  This is said after years of poor decisions.  This phrase is uttered shortly before the business closes down.

 

“Alright, everyone…I know it’s been a tough couple of months, but starting right now, we are going to turn this ship around and get back on top!” – Dick Fuld, September 10, 2008

 

Props to Brett for the submission.

 

Web Properties

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(1). A fancier way for companies to describe their websites, which usually are anything but fancy.

 

“Gentleman we need to discuss updating our web properties.  I don’t think it is in the company’s best interest to have that dancing baby on there anymore.  Feels like we are going for a cheap laugh…although it is a good one…ya know what?  Let’s keep it up there.”

 

Webmaster

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(1).  An individual who acts as the gatekeeper to maintaining and editing a particular website.  While virtually impossible to get a hold of, most webmasters usually leave a “Contact the Webmaster” link in the footer of a website that opens an email to the vague “webmaster@” address to toy with the outside world.

 

“Who’s the webmaster for our website?  Can we get them on the phone?  I’ve sent this person 20 emails and haven’t heard a thing.  I’m starting to believe they don’t even exist!”

 

(2).  A 40-year old man who lives in his parents’ basement and maintains a blog about comic books and D&D.

 

“I am Lothar of the Hillpeople!  The webmaster from the great beyond!  Fear the verbal wrath of my blogspot!  Mwa-ha-ha-ha!”

 

Wet Signature

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(1).  An actual signature (with a pen).  Remember those?

 

“So, Compliance told us we need a wet signature on this document.  Gross.”

 

Whale

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(1).  A hugely rich prospect which, if they become a client, will probably allow the broker to go out and buy that Maserati he’s had his eye on.

 

“So, I heard Scott over there landed a whale last week.  I also heard you didn’t, so…I think we’re going to have to let you go, Gary.”

 

Whale Hunter

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(1).  That sales executive in your office that only goes after huge prospects.  His prey is elusive and his competition is intense.  Yet, if he scores just one win, his year is set.  But if he doesn’t….

 

“Who … Ron?  That guy’s a whale hunter.  He’s got, like, two multi-billion dollar prospects in the hopper right now.  If only one of them pans out … it’s right to the Maserati dealer!”

 

What We Do Best

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(1).  What you say when trying to explain the value you add to the company’s business (which, for most of us, is pretty hard to define).

 

“‘What we do best’?  I’ll tell you what we do best … blah, blah, blah … Just do your job and shut the hell up!”

 

Props to Brent D. for the submission.

 

Where The Rubber Meets The Road

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(1).  A nice way to describe the work of a low-level employee in a vain attempt to make it sound like you think what they do is way more important than what you do.

 

“Yeah, trading millions of dollars worth of corporate bonds every day is important to our corporate bond-trading business, but your team’s processing of account paperwork is really where the rubber meets the road!”

 

White Hat

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(1). A term describing best practices for SEO professionals that correctly (and honestly) manipulate search engines so that their client’s sites show up above Wikipedia entries.

 

“Our firm uses white hat practices for our SEO efforts.  No, you won’t get links from any porn sites or gambling sites.  No, no porn sites you can gamble on either.” (see: Black Hat)

 

White Paper

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(1).  An outline of  a proposed strategy or other subject requiring in-depth explanation, usually written by multiple parties (see living document) and rarely used by anyone.

 

“Hey, Tom.  Did you happen to read my white paper on the new coffee machine for the office?  Either way, I set up a team call to discuss this Friday at 4:30.  Hope you can attend.”

 

White Shoe

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(1).  A top-tier law firm, generally populated with pretentious Ivy Leaguers who are, for all intents and purposes, in love (and possibly trying to have sex) with their business cards.  Attorneys in white shoe firms never miss an opportunity to tell you (i) where they work, and (ii) where they went to law school.

 

“His resume says he works at a big, white shoe firm, so I’m not sure we can get him to leave given what we are willing to offer.  Wait … he’s a 14th year associate?  Offer him $40,000 and some kind of ‘junior partner’ title and he’s gone.”

 

Wiff Waff

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(1).  Seemingly endless banter back-and-forth between two people at a meeting.  With 10 other people in the room.  Sitting quietly, checking their blackberries, awkwardly waiting for it to be over.

 

“Can you believe that ridiculous wiff waff between Sharon and Jim during the 9:30 call this morning?  I think they’re sleeping together.  Do you think they’re sleeping together?  I totally think they’re sleeping together.”

 

Props to Jan for the submission.

 

Windshield Time

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(1).  Those hours spent traveling for work through states with “no cell phone” laws.

 

“Sorry, Dan…I’m going to be logging a ton of windshield time tomorrow.  Why don’t we schedule your comp discussion next week or the week after.  Thanks!”

 

Wining And Dining

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(1). A term typically used by salesmen to describe wooing a client in order to gain their favor, much like Richard Gere did to Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman”.

 

“Hey Ross, I see you’re doing a little wining and dining with the Henderson boys tonight. Gonna get a little escargot at The Voltaire?”

 

Wonk

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(1).  A derogatory way to describe a politician who might actually know what he’s talking about.

 

“Well, I don’t think the Congressman is going to impress in tonight’s debate.  He’s a bit of a budget wonk and what Americans really care about is style!”

 

Woodcock-Johnson

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(1).  Some kind of new IQ test the government makes kids take to see if they’re going to be doctors or…not doctors.

 

“My son found the Woodcock-Johnson to be a little overwhelming…I think he definitely needs to have extra time when he takes his SATs…my attorney thinks so, too.”

 

Props to Katie B. for the submission.

 

Wordsmithing

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(1). An excuse used by lawyers who have yet to review a document, intended to buy them additional time to work on more profitable clients before actually completing their review.

 

Work Hard, Play Hard

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(1).  A statement usually made by the person in your office that historically has done neither.

 

“Hey guys, I didn’t get a chance to finish up those reports you needed, anyways, anyone wanna hit TGI Fridays with me?  Work Hard, Play Hard, am I right?”

 

(2).  Something lonely Jackie from Accounting says in her Facebook status update on Saturday nights before she heads out to The Olive Garden with “the girls”.

 

Update – Saturday February 22nd 2014, 5:37 PM: “Never ending pasta and bread sticks?  Count me hungry!  Heading out with the girls after a long week of work.  Work Hard, Play Hard!!”

 

(3).  A statement used by stock brokers (emphasis on the “bro”) when they want to blow off some steam after a week of “totally crushing it”.

 

“We totally crushed it this week bro, let’s head over to Off The Wagon and hit on some NYU freshmen!  Work Hard, Play Harder bro!!”

 

Work Husband

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(1).  The guy at work that you are currently are, or want to be, engaged in an extramarital affair with.

 

(2).  The male counterpart to a work wife.  He’s the guy in the office that you are a little too comfortable with, tell a little too much too, and the guy’s ass that you “accidentally” grab after that second cosmo.  Chill out Karen, everyone knows, and all the ladies (and possibly some guys) are jealous.

 

“Can you believe Ted and Karen?  He’s totally her work husband.  It’s not cute and they are totally sleeping together, and even if they’re not, they want to.  Why doesn’t Ted notice me?  I don’t get it.  My Facebook posts are clearly geared towards him.  Karen doesn’t post anything on her Facebook account just for him like I do.  Slut.”

 

Work Spouses

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(1).  Two co-workers who are currently engaged (or appear to be engaged) in an extramarital affair.

 

“You and Sean are totally work spouses.  Hey, weren’t you wearing that blouse yesterday?”

 

Work Wife

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(1).  The woman in the office that you currently are, or want to be, engaged in an extramarital affair with.

 

(2).  The female counterpart to a work husband.  She’s that hot new intern you just met a few months ago, or the long time colleague that you spend way too many late nights with at the office.  You tell her why your wife or girlfriend is making you unhappy, and she is that comforting force that makes everything ok.  Until you guys get caught and it’s totally not ok because you pretty much will lose everything you really care about….I mean, it’s probably worth it if its the hot new intern, but….nope totally worth it.

 

“Hey Ted, you and Karen got a little something going on over there huh?  She’s like your work wife.  By the way, I am not sure if you noticed, but Betty has been posting these weird things on Facebook that are totally geared towards you.”

 

Xanax

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(1).  What most people take after work, but what teachers take before work.  God bless our children.

 

“Ugh…I’ve got lunch duty today.   Good thing I sprinkled some Xanax into my coffee this morning…”

 

Props to V for the submission.

 

Yeoman’s Job

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(1).  A nice way of saying someone did all the crappy work needed to get a project done.

 

“Tom the Intern did a yeoman’s job getting all of our files organized this summer, so let’s all give a big hand for Tom!”

 

Yes Man

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(1).  A staff member who blindly agrees with his or her bosses in an attempt to curry favor.

 

(2).  A terrible movie starring Jim Carrey.

 

“Bryan’s such a yes man.  He agreed with Andrew that Navy Seals was a great movie.  Hey, remember Navy Seals?”

 

Yoda

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(1).  A person designated in a meeting to encourage honesty and candor (even though most questions are planted by management to make it look like everyone is happy and supportive).

 

“Okay, Mike…you’re going to be the Yoda in the staff meeting today.  We want you to make sure people are speaking their minds.  Here are some questions you might want to encourage people to ask.”

 

Your Baby is Ugly

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(1).  The tough love statement you need to tell your client when they refuse to believe that nobody likes their brand, company, or product.

 

“Listen Mike, it doesn’t matter how many times you say “everyone loves our manure scented candles” and “they smell like nature”, it just isn’t true.  Your baby is uglyManandles stink, literally.”

 

YouTube Sensation

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(1). An unemployed individual who dedicates most, if not all, of their free time to making YouTube videos of their cat doing adorable things instead of seeking gainful employment.

 

“Sir, the problem here is that while you may be a YouTube sensation, you cannot pay your phone bill with adorable cat videos.  No, you can’t pay it with hypothetical dollars either.”

 

Zipper Issue

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(1).  A somewhat polite (and yet overly descriptive) way to describe the reason your boss was just fired…and the reason his secretary was recently promoted to vice president.

 

“People, I wanted to let you know that Mike decided to resign as CFO yesterday…seems he had a bit of a zipper issue earlier this year that we feel may cause some reputational risk to the firm.  We’ve named Herman as his temporary replacement.  You all know Herman…he’s the guy with the hairy mole on his nose and the moobs…no risks there!”