Glass Half Empty

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(1).  This term, unlike its ladylike counterpart glass half full, is used to describe an individual who sees every minute mistake and misstep as nothing short of the apocalypse.  These individuals usually ascend the corporate ladder at a meteoric pace and usually wind up running large conglomerates.

 

“Well guess what everyone?  I’m a glass half empty guy.  So no, I don’t think Scott sneezing on the managing partner was a sign that we are “comfortable with them.”

 

Glass Half Full

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(1).  A term used to describe an overly optimistic person whose double rainbow point of view usually becomes bothersome to upper management, as well as the rest of the office, and is terminated.

 

(2). See glass half empty.

 

“I dunno guys, I think that presentation went pretty well!  Call me a glass half full kinda guy, but I thought it was actually a good thing when Scott sneezed on the managing partner…showed we were comfortable with them.”

 

Go Behind The Website

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(1).  To try to find out what a company’s really all about.  Turns out, they do way less than they say they do … and cost way more.

 

“Look, Tom, this is all great stuff, but we really need to go behind the website here to find out what we’d really be paying for.  Sounds like a lot of ‘will do’s’ but not a lot of ‘can do’s’ to me.”

 

Go Live

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(1).  IT or Ops term for releasing a new software program or application, intended to create a sense of accomplishment among programmers and processors for a systems-enhancement that will likely go unnoticed.

 

“We’re planning to go live with the new intranet homepage over the weekend.  Great job, everyone!  Now our employees will have a slightly nicer-looking webpage to jump to ESPN.com from every morning!”

 

Go Live Date

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(1). An artificial deadline for an IT or Ops project to be completed, generally ignored by staff and management alike.  The “go live date” may actually occur anywhere between two weeks and three years from the original, stated timeframe.

 

“Hey Tom, what’s the go live date for that new client dashboard the neck beards are working on?  I think when we told the higher ups December, they thought we meant of this year!  Can you believe that?  That’s only 11 months away!  We gotta buy more time.”

 

Go Postal

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(1).  A spectacular event in which an employee completely loses his or her marbles and goes all Michael Douglas on the office.

 

(2).  A far less exciting event involving an embarrassingly loud rant about something or other by a disgruntled employee in the breakroom.

 

“It was crazy.  One minute, Judy and I were talking about last night’s Survivor tribal council and the next minute – blagh! – she goes all postal about something Nick said to her about timesheets or whatever.  Like that’s what I need at 9 a.m.!”

 

Go-Forward Basis

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(1).  The time period for which you are going to correct that egregious accounting error your new associate just discovered.

 

“Thanks for pointing this issue out to us, Caitlin.  Even though this has clearly been a problem for years, I think it’s best that we adjust our practice on a go-forward basis.”

 

Goals-Based

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(1). A term used when providing negative comments about an answer to a question when the commenter (usually a salesperson with no actual understanding  of the issue) does not believe the answer provides a sufficient (read: client-friendly) solution to the issue.

 

Going Concern

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(1).  A successfully operating business or a problem with your plumbing.

 

“Look, Stan…this business is a going concern now.  We can’t just close the office every time you need to go to Staples.”

 

Props to A3 for the submission.

 

Golden Shackles

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(1).  When your company gives you just enough money to make you think twice about leaving.  Most situations involve some kind of deferred compensation that never seems to vest.

 

“God, I hate this place!  But what am I going to do?  They put the golden shackles on me again this year and I don’t see anyone matching it anywhere else…”

 

Golden Springboard

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(1).  Using the huge company you work for’s reputation to get a big job at a lesser firm.  Your interviews generally include phrases like “more advancement potential” and “looking to expand my horizons” or some other euphemism for “because I’m never getting promoted here ever”.

 

“I’m totally gonna use this place as the golden springboard to big bucks at some start up somewhere.  I just don’t think I’m able to really spread my wings here anymore.”

 

GOMER

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(1).  What ER docs on TV never tell people who don’t belong there (by the way, it stands for “Get Outta My Emergency Room”).

 

“Look, Mrs. Fitzgibbons, your husband is almost certainly dead.  We’ll go through the motions for a bit to make you feel better, but I really have to insist … GOMERGOMERGOMER!”

 

Props to T.K. for the submission.

 

Got Legs

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(1).  A half-cocked idea that you came up with, blurted out at the last company sponsored happy hour and your boss accidentally overheard….and loved.  It is now your primary function.

 

“Yes Stan!  I love that idea, its definitely got legs!  I can’t believe we never thought about selling cigarettes and lighters at the pump!

 

Grab Defeat Out Of The Jaws Of Victory

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(1).  The failure to stop talking after a client has already agreed to whatever it is you wanted them to do, often causing them to rethink their decision, which in turn results in you going home empty-handed.

 

“So, the meeting was going great…they agreed to move forward and I was pulling out the paperwork for them to sign…and then here comes Henry!  He wouldn’t shut up!  He just kept going and going.  I can’t remember what he said exactly, but they told us they needed to ‘think about it some more’ and that’s where the meeting ended…talk about grabbing defeat out of the jaws of victory!”

 

Granola

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(1).  A term used to describe a boring, plain person you work with.  So everyone.

 

(2).  A project, idea, suggestion, or project idea suggestion that you have come up with that is met with a less than stellar reception (read: It’s a nice way to say your idea sucks).

 

“Thanks for this Pat, but I am not sure we are really hitting the mark here.  The whole thing feels a bit granola.  I can’t help but think that someone, somewhere, has already handed out stress balls at a conference.  Although I commend you for somehow creating a 35 page deck around this idea, I don’t think we’ll be moving ahead with this.”

 

Granular

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(1). To explore a topic in more detail, usually during internal training sessions or strategy presentations, mainly to allow the speaker to show off his knowledge on a mundane topic that likely is of interest only to him, and possibly, his boss.

 

Graybar University

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(1).  Where Jeffrey Skilling and Bernie Madoff now go to school.

 

“Hey, Gil … you should probably stop telling people at the bar that our returns are going to be down next quarter.  I’m pretty sure that’s a one-way ticket to Graybar University for a CEO ….”

 

Props to Tim P. for the submission.

 

Grayhair

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(1).  The person on your team that you parade in front of clients to make them feel more comfortable that you all have actual experience.

 

“Let’s get Dan in on the meeting next week.  I think having a grayhair in the room will give our pitch a little more gravitas.”

 

Green Fielding

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(1).  The art of turning a simple PDF into an annoying, electronic form that never has enough room to fit what you want to write or simply adjusts the size of the entry so you can’t make it out at all.  The result: you end up printing it off and pen-and-inking all of the entries by hand.

 

“So, I just finished green fielding the new account documents.  It looks great, although, we should probably mention somewhere that you’re limited to 30 characters on every line.”

 

Hand Holding

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(1).  The lion’s share of a wealth manager’s job.  Rich people can be very needy at times.

 

“Yeah, the meeting went fine.  These folks need a lot of hand holding, you know?  Hey, as long as they keep paying those fees, right?”

 

Hand-To-Hand Combat

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(1).  When you sit down with a stockbroker to see if you can glom onto his book of business (or … ahem! … “look for potential synergies“).

 

“So, I went through a little hand-to-hand combat with Ken and I think we were able to identify a couple of accounts where we could be helpful.  He wants us to do it at no charge, of course, which may be a bit of a challenge.”

 

Hand-To-Hand Combat

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(1).  When you sit down with a broker one-on-one to go through their book to see if there are any business opportunities … for you.

 

“So, it was a good trip … attended the weekly office meeting … did a little hand-to-hand combat with some of the advisors … identified one or two opportunities they’re going to think about considering possibly exploring further.”

 

Happy Friday!

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(1).  Something the annoying woman with the pictures of her cats in her cube says to you every, stinking Friday.

 

“Hey, Andy!  Happy Friday!  I’m trying to catch up on my T and Es, so I’m going to need all of your receipts for the last six months by lunchtime.  Thanks!!”

 

Hard Block

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(1).  Something you build into the system to prevent those morons in the business from bringing down the company by punching the wrong keys.

 

“Oh, don’t worry about that … we’ve put a hard block on changing those kinds of account parameters.  Just make sure your people don’t try to hit the ‘any’ key.”

 

Hard Stop

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(1).  A time at which a participant in a conference call or meeting needs to leave, usually due to dinner reservations or a tee time.

 

“We’ve got a hard stop at 11, team, it’s Bagel Friday!”

 

Headcount

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(1).  That anxiety-inducing term every department faces at comp time.  Will it go up?  Will it go down?  Did we hit our numbers?  Where am I on the performance chart this year?  Yikes!

 

“So, team, unfortunately, it looks like we’re going to have to reduce headcount this year by at least two.  The good news is, no one likes Larry and Monica, so they’re out.  The bad news is … Larry, Monica, can you please see my in my office after this meeting?  Thanks a bunch.”

 

Heavy Lift

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(1).  Something “the business” needs that’s going to be difficult (read: expensive) to code.

 

“Yeah, we may need to include that requirement in a later release.  It’s a bit of a heavy lift for the team and might impact the project timeline.”

 

Hero Space

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(1). The portion of a website that companies usually flood with scrolling pictures of happy people and inspirational testimonials about their products. It is usually used to portray themselves as warm and caring, when they most likely are anything but.

 

“You know what we need in the hero space, John?  More pictures of people in suits succeeding!  And….and….whales breaching the water!  Nothing says “buy our pharmaceutical supplies” like whales breaching!

 

High Fives

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(1).  Acts of public self-congratulation among co-workers, often after being notified of an increase in compensation, and almost always in front of people who did not share in that increase.

 

“Oh sure, while those guys are giving each other high fives over in Sales, we’re stuck here in Accounting doing the real work!”

 

High Touch

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(1).  A delicate term used to describe wealthy (and, thus, sensitive and emotional) clients who treat everyone they come in contact with as “the help”.

 

“This is a high touch business, people.  Our clients just won’t tolerate things like weekends off, nights with the family or religious holidays.  We’re always on!”

 

High Value Site

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(1).  An overcrowded, battleship-gray building in an office park outside of Dubuque where you forced all of your ops guys to move to a couple of years ago.

 

“Don’t worry, Sam.  You’re going to love the new location.  It’s got all the amenities you could ask for – a Sunglass Hut, Macaroni Grill, and I heard they might be building a Walgreens, like, less than a mile away.  A real high value site for us!”

 

High-Level

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(1).  To bring a proposal to the boss for approval.

 

“I’m not sure we have the budget to add another CRM enhancement to our Outlook servers.  We’re going to have to high-level this one to make sure it’s okay with the powers that be.”

 

High-Net Worth Individual

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(1).  That rich guy who calls you constantly to complain about his bill every … stinking … month.

 

“We’re really trying to focus our business on high-net worth individuals these days.  I hope you like being called ‘boy’!”

 

Hold-Your-Nose Vote

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(1).  A vote to pass a bill that you, Congressman, don’t like, but that your weak, weak party leaders are forcing you to support (or else they’ll take away your chairmanship of the House Parking Spot Committee).

 

“Well, Joe…I consider this one a hold-your-nose vote.  Something don’t smell right in Washington, and this time it’s not Joe Biden’s vodka breath!  Wait…are we live?”

 

Holding Pattern

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(1).  An aviation-inspired term indicating nothing is happening with a prospective client.  No calls, no messages, no nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  Zilch.

 

“Hey boss.  Yeah, the Jenson account…umm…we’re in a bit of a holding pattern right now on that, so…last time I called them?  Umm, well, uhh…”

 

Hoteling

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(1).  The ridiculous corporate practice of punishing your employees by assigning them a new desk each day.  One day, you’re sitting next to the hot babe from HR, and the next, it’s Earl from Data Management Tech who likes to sing along to the soft rock station he’s streaming on his Toughbook.

 

“So, our company started hoteling last month.  It’s supposed to foster the exchange of ideas across different areas of the firm.  The only problem is – all we talk about is how much we hate hoteling.”

 

Housekeeping Item

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(1).  Something that needs to be done that absolutely no one cares about.

 

“Hey, Rick…just got a little housekeeping item for you…we’re going to be sending you a couple of forms to sign…nothing important…new fee schedule…just feel free to sign and send it back when you get a chance…”

 

Huddle Meeting

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(1).  Yet another term for a team meeting, named as such to make it sound more cuddly and team building.  Really just another opportunity to throw stats and numbers at you.

 

“Hey guys, so we’ve got our huddle meeting in a few minutes, but wanted to give you all a preview of what we’ll be discussing.  Basically, we want revenue to go up and expenses to go down.  Hope that’ll help you frame your questions.”

 

Props to Michael for the submission.

 

Hump Day

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(1).  A term that compares Wednesdays to two teenagers dry humping each other on the dance floor at a sweet sixteen to UB40’s “Red, Red Wine”.

 

(2).  A term used by lonely, single office clerks who usually display troll dolls, pictures of their dog and an easy button, to signify that it’s the middle of the week, the weekend is almost here, and that they can’t wait to “tear up the shore” this weekend with their girls.

 

“Happy hump day everyone!  OMG I can’t believe it’s Wednesday already, weekend’s almost here!!  I am going to get so drunk this weekend down at the shore, like totally destroyed.  Maybe I’ll meet someone this weekend.  OMG maybe I’ll meet Pauly D!!”

 

Hurricane Sandy

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(1).  A fierce windstorm that caused millions of dollars of damage to the New York metro area.

 

(2).  A wonderful excuse used by workers for weeks and weeks to justify leaving work early, working from home, not getting back to people, etc. etc.

 

(3).  An excuse used by gag website creators for the delay in getting their fans’ submissions up on the site.

 

“Hey, George…yeah, sorry about not getting back to you last week…Hurricane Sandy really did a number on us here…yeah, I should be able to get it done this week…probably…”

 

Hurry Up And Wait

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(1).  To be given an extremely tight deadline to get something to a client, only to end up sitting around for weeks afterward while the client decides what they want to do.

 

“Well, Jeff, the client called and thanked us for getting the documents out to them, but told me they are having a meeting about them next week, so we won’t hear anything until after that…hurry up and wait, right?”

 

Hybrid Approach

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(1).  In marketing, a way to describe your expertise in an area in which you have no expertise.

 

“We like to take more of a hybrid approach with this type of engagement.  We’ll be leveraging several strategic partners to assist our team here with the management of your account.  While those providers will bill you separately, we feel this combination will bring to bear the best in class level of service you are looking for.”

 

Impactful

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(1).  Yikes – it means somebody is constipated.  And what’s wrong with “affect” for “impact”?

 

“You know, Tim, I’m just not sure the project you’ve been working on all year has been impactful to the company in the way you thought it would be.  You probably should’ve focused on your actual work instead…”

 

Props to Priscilla W. for the submission.

 

In The Kill Zone

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(1).  An unnecessarily aggressive way to tell your client your market projections were on target.

 

“So, if you flip to page two, you’ll see that our numbers were in the kill zone for 2014.  BOO YEAH!”

 

In-House

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(1).  To replace a system your company currently licenses with one your tech guys build themselves.  Get ready for a buggy UI!

 

“So, we’re looking to in-house our general ledger system.  Dipal said it would take six months and cost about half a million bucks.  So, I’m prepping for about an 18-month turnaround with a budget of about two million bucks.”

 

Ingest Assets

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(1).  To upload electronic files.

 

“We’re reaching out to our offshore partners, asking them to ingest our assets after lunch.”

 

Props to D. M. for the submission.

 

Inside Baseball

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(1).  Usually unseen, behind the scenes or behind the curtain dealings (in other words, the way real business gets done).

 

“I don’t know, Tom…I think Jim’s playing inside baseball on the Simmons deal…he knows something.  Let’s get Niedermeyer on this…he’s a sneaky little….”

 

Props to Bob D. for the submission.