Automagically

& filed under .

 

(1).  A totally lame tech-sales way to describe straight-through processing … whatever that is.

 

“So, all you have to do is click ‘send’ and the email automagically is sent to the address you typed in!  Automagically!”

 

Props to Denise M. for the submission.

 

0
-5

  
+1
0

  

Band Aid

& filed under .

 

(1). A term used by developers to describe a quick and temporary fix for a problem on a website.  While the plan is to only have this quick fix up for a few days until the problem can be permanently corrected, it usually remains in place for years and well beyond the tenure of the developer who originally installed it.

 

“Hey Scott, what can we do about those images not rendering correctly on the site?”

“I’ll have to look into it but I can put a band aid on it for now so that the site functions correctly.”

FAST FORWARD 6 YEARS

“Yea I don’t know this guy Scott who worked here a few years back said he was working on it…images still don’t render correctly.”

 

0
-5

  
0
-2

  

Bespoke

& filed under .

 

(1).  Unnecessarily customized.  Like iPhone cases.

 

“I just can’t believe we can’t figure out how to provide annual fee summaries in some kind of automated fashion, Don.  Having your team create some kind of bespoke document for every account is lunacy.  Can you see if the Tech guys have some kind of solution here?  I’m going to let Jim know I’m on top of this, in the meantime.  Thanks a bunch.”

 

0
-5

  
+1
0

  

Best Efforts

& filed under .

 

(1).  A caveat added to a promise to complete a task requested after a known or stated deadline, often used by operations to pre-emptively excuse the fact that they have absolutely no intention of completing the annoyingly last-minute request in the first place.

 

“Well, given that it’s 4:30 on a Friday, running a report of all your transactions since 1996 by the end of the week is going to be on a best efforts basis…”

 

0
-5

  
+2
0

  

Bolt On

& filed under .

 

(1).  To attempt to merge a new application with your current systems, usually resulting in a Frankenstein-looking mess that will decrease efficiency while increasing frustration.

 

“So, we’re going to bolt on a bill pay program to our banking platform.  It’s going to be great for our clients, but might require a bit more manual intervention by you guys while we work out the kinks.  Merry Christmas!”

 

0
-5

  
+3
-1

  

Carbon-Based Error

& filed under .

 

(1).  A human error or screw-up.

 

“Hi, this is the Helpdesk.  Frozen Outlook, eh?  Sounds like a carbon-based error to me.  Just turn it off and back on again and you should be fine.”

 

Props to Eileen R. for the submission.

 

0
-5

  
+1
0

  

Day 2 Project

& filed under .

 

(1).  A term used by Operations or IT to denote a project or enhancement that is considered a low-priority (see nice-to-have), but is promised to be included in a later upgrade.  Day 2 projects generally never get started despite repeated promises by IT to allocate future resources to them “in the next release”.

 

“Thanks for the input there, Don…but I think we’re going to have to consider your plan to rebuild our transaction processing infrastructure a Day 2 Project for the time-being.  We have much more important things in the hopper right now…like our new app.  People love apps, Don.  People love apps.”

 

0
-5

  
+37
0

  

Dogfooding

& filed under .

 

(1).  A term derived from the saying “Eating Your Own Dog Food”, which is when a company (let’s face it, it’s probably a software company) uses itself as the guinea pig for it’s own product to demonstrate how great it is. Ya know, kinda like what Microsoft should have done before it released Windows ME.

 

“I dunno Bill, you realize that everyone hates dogfooding this crap, right?  Y2K?  Like that’s really gonna happen.  That’s like saying BlackBerry won’t be around in 15 years.  Let’s just push this one out.”

 

Props to @Jeremiah for the submission!

 

0
-5

  
+2
0

  

Downstream

& filed under .

 

(1). Fishing term used to describe unknown issues that may arise as a result of a system change, often occuring in other, related systems.  The term is often used by IT as a catch-all excuse for avoiding making any improvement to the current system.

 

0
-5

  
0
0

  

Efficiencies

& filed under .

 

(1).  Mysterious secrets known only to business consultants which are intended to make a company operate in a more proficient and cost-effective manner (see achieve scale).  Usually referenced by project managers to indicate to their superiors that they are adding value, when in reality, they are simply maintaining an endless “to do” list.

 

“Look, Tim, my job here is to find efficiencies that will make us a better business.  Now, if you don’t mind, I have to get back to re-writing our coffee break policies and procedures.”

 

0
-5

  
+1
0

  

Floor Acceptance

& filed under .

 

(1).  The concurrence of all of the guys in Tech about some new enhancement you want to build, followed by the immediate return to World of Warcraft.

 

“Let me just socialize this around the office to gain a little floor acceptance and then I think we should be good to go.”

 

0
-5

  
+1
0

  

Generate from the Back-End

& filed under .

 

(1).  To create a report that can only be run by the IT or Operations department.  As the name implies, the report is usually messy and requires a ton of clean up.

 

“Okay, so the next step would be for Sam to generate the report from his back-end, so we can review and decide where we go from here.”

 

0
-5

  
+1
0

  

Go Live

& filed under .

 

(1).  IT or Ops term for releasing a new software program or application, intended to create a sense of accomplishment among programmers and processors for a systems-enhancement that will likely go unnoticed.

 

“We’re planning to go live with the new intranet homepage over the weekend.  Great job, everyone!  Now our employees will have a slightly nicer-looking webpage to jump to ESPN.com from every morning!”

 

0
-5

  
+59
0

  

Go Live Date

& filed under .

 

(1). An artificial deadline for an IT or Ops project to be completed, generally ignored by staff and management alike.  The “go live date” may actually occur anywhere between two weeks and three years from the original, stated timeframe.

 

“Hey Tom, what’s the go live date for that new client dashboard the neck beards are working on?  I think when we told the higher ups December, they thought we meant of this year!  Can you believe that?  That’s only 11 months away!  We gotta buy more time.”

 

0
-5

  
+1
0

  

Green Fielding

& filed under .

 

(1).  The art of turning a simple PDF into an annoying, electronic form that never has enough room to fit what you want to write or simply adjusts the size of the entry so you can’t make it out at all.  The result: you end up printing it off and pen-and-inking all of the entries by hand.

 

“So, I just finished green fielding the new account documents.  It looks great, although, we should probably mention somewhere that you’re limited to 30 characters on every line.”

 

0
-5

  
+1
0

  

In-House

& filed under .

 

(1).  To replace a system your company currently licenses with one your tech guys build themselves.  Get ready for a buggy UI!

 

“So, we’re looking to in-house our general ledger system.  Dipal said it would take six months and cost about half a million bucks.  So, I’m prepping for about an 18-month turnaround with a budget of about two million bucks.”

 

0
-5

  
+1
0

  

Instead of Shooting Fish in a Barrel, We Should Go Out and Buy a Fishing Pole

& filed under .

 

(1).  A suggestion to stop focusing on many small action items (see low-hanging fruit) and target one, major problem to resolve.  The person who used this thought he was super clever.

 

“Look, guys, instead of shooting fish in a barrel, we should go out and buy a fishing pole and fix the underlying system issue that’s causing all of these other problems.  I’m awesome, by the way.”

 

0
-5

  
+2
0

  

Keystrokes

& filed under .

 

(1).  The number of things you need to do to accomplish a task on your company’s computer system.  The term is usually used when proposing system upgrades that will never be approved.

 

“Megan, if we spend a few dollars now on this upgrade, it will significantly reduce keystrokes for the entire team, meaning we should be able to keep headcount static for at least another year.  Bangalore?  No, I wasn’t aware we were moving Operations to Bangalore…”

 

0
-5

  
+1
0

  

Launch

& filed under .

 

(1). n – The release of a new product, service offering or application, intended to get empolyees excited about something that likely has no impact on them whatsoever.

 

(2). v – To release a new product, service offering or application.  The term is most often used by IT to allow employees to pretend the application they created (which likely will be used to improve the company’s email inbox capacity) has contributed to the launch of the Starship Enterprise.

 

0
-5

  
0
0

  

Level Of Effort Analysis

& filed under .

 

(1).  How Ops or Tech tells you they have no interest in doing whatever it is you want them to do.

 

“Hmm … so, you’d like us to take over the quarterly account performance metrics reporting … well, I think the first step is for us to conduct a level of effort analysis to see if we are able to resource that … we’ll get back to you ….”

 

0
-5

  
+1
0

  

Macro Progress

& filed under .

 

(1).  A way IT guys claim to be making headway on a project even though they can’t produce any concrete evidence that they have done anything at all.

 

“The system conversion?  Well, we’re making macro progress on that and expect to pretty much be on schedule.  No, we’re not ready for a test yet…  No, you can’t talk to the team…  Sorry to cut this short, I’ve got to jump on another call.”

 

0
-5

  
+1
0

  

Make Glue Out of a Dead Horse

& filed under .

 

(1).  To beat an issue to death over and over again, usually for the benefit of one guy on the conference call who just can’t seem to get it.

 

“Look, fellas…I don’t want to make glue out of a dead horse here, but I’m still not seeing the benefit to switching to GEICO.”

 

0
-5

  
+2
0

  

Map

& filed under .

 

(1).  To plan out connections between systems.

 

(2).  To plan out connections between businesses.

 

(3).  To plan out connec…oh, whatever, it’s just some stupid expression tech guys use to make it sound like whatever project they’re working on is going to be way more complicated than it actually will be….

 

“Okay, so before we can get started on the functional spec for the new GUI, we’re going to have to map the current system flows, inter-custody SEFT protocols and…man, this sounds like a lot of work…any room in the budget for a consultant?”

 

0
-5

  
+1
0

  

Migration

& filed under .

 

(1).  A word used to compare when a website switches servers, IP addresses or ports information from an old version to a new version, to the graceful Barn Swallow migrating south for the winter.

 

(2).  A process that is done incorrectly 99% of the time and rarely worth the time, effort and money it was supposed to save.

 

“Hey Tracy, I noticed that since the migration sales have been slumping. did we flip the switch too soon?  How come you didn’t warn us this may happen?  I really don’t appreciate that kind of language, Tracy.”

 

0
-5

  
+2
0

  

Neck Beards

& filed under .

 

(1).  Those lovable, less-then-presentable guys who work in your tech department.  While we all know they are making fun of us behind our backs, we can all take solace in the fact that they are all a stone’s throw away from being Hobbits, and will always fix our computers after we “accidentally” open that porn site.

 

“Hey Dave, have you seen any of the neck beards around?  Do you think you can call them for me?  I opened up ANOTHER email, which took me to ANOTHER porn site.  Weird right?  Third time this month.  I would ask them, but every time I screw my computer up and ask them to fix it, they look at me like I just deleted their level 80 dark elf in World of Warcraft.”

 

0
-5

  
+2
0

  

Pain Point

& filed under .

 

(1).  A word consultants and IT guys use to identify systems or processes that decrease worker productivity, in an attempt to develop better methods (also known as efficiencies).

 

“So, tell me Andy, would you consider the company’s onboarding process one of your pain points?  You mentioned in your questionnaire that it takes two weeks and involves seven different levels of approval….hmm…let’s just mark that down as a ‘yes’.”

 

0
-5

  
+3
0

  

Paradise Analysis

& filed under .

 

(1).  Another way to describe the wish list you are about to present to you boss for that new system you want him to pay for.

 

“Okay, so this is our paradise analysis for the new custody platform.  If we even get a third of this, we’ll be in good very good shape.”

 

0
-5

  
+1
0

  

Production

& filed under .

 

(1).  A way to refer to a company’s sales force as a collective group without actually using the word “sales”.

 

(2).  An operations term referring to a document or application that is being prepared for release.

 

“For a change of pace, this year the company is going to focus its hiring and compensation in the production area of the business.”

 

0
-5

  
0
0

  

Proprietary

& filed under .

 

(1).  A software application, program or service offering that is unique to a company (and usually subject to patents or copyrights), often strikingly similar to a dozen other software applications, programs or service offerings by the company’s competitors (and probably designed using pirated software provided by disgruntled ex-employees).

 

“Alright everyone, we have finally rolled out our proprietary dashboard.  It took two years, countless hours and thousands of dollars, but I think we are finally going to be able to pull in Google Analytics!  What?  Yes, that’s pretty much all it does.  No, I don’t think it makes more sense to just log in to Google Analytics.  This thing has our logo on it!”

 

0
-5

  
0
0

  

Resource

& filed under .

 

(1).  To pull people off unnecessary, endless projects to make them work on other unnecessary, endless projects.

 

“Okay, so I think in order to properly resource this effort, we are going to have to bring in some folks from the servicing team.  Unfortunately, they don’t have anyone to spare right now, so your project is going to happen … possibly ever.”

 

0
-5

  
+1
0

  

Roll Out

& filed under .

 

(1).  An IT or Ops term for the release of a new software program or application (see go live); often used to mask the forced retirement of a program that works perfectly well, but that the manufacturer no longer wishes to support now that their new product is on the market.

 

“We’ll be rolling out the new mailing label system next week, everyone.  Now, in order to create a label, you will need to go into the new label generator screen and submit a request ticket to Bangalore.”

 

0
-5

  
+1
0

  

Rubber Stamp Exercise

& filed under .

 

(1).  The act of blindly approving things at work, some of which may actually be important and should really be looked over before you sign it.

 

“Well, if this is just going to be some kind of rubber stamp exercise, why can’t we just buy an actual rubber stamp?  My wrist is killing me!”

 

0
-5

  
+1
0

  

Scope Creep

& filed under .

 

(1).  The slow, silent expansion of responsibilities by an operations department or, worse, an outsourced service provider.  Scope Creep is usually only discovered after you receive an outsized bill or you realize that your job has somehow been centralized in a foreign country.

 

“Aren’t we a little concerned about scope creep here, Mike?  Remember what happened when we centralized our client service reps a few years ago – all of sudden we had 200 guys in Bangalore calling themselves ‘Steve from Dallas’!”

 

0
-5

  
+2
0

  

SME

& filed under .

 

(1). (pronounced “smee”) - Subject-matter expert; used by information technology trainers to denote users who already know how to use the program for which the training is being given, identifiable by their eyes constantly drifting to their blackberries or the low-cut blouse worn by the woman sitting next to them.

 

0
-5

  
+2
0

  

Sunset

& filed under .

 

(1).  To retire or stop supporting due to age.  Usually referring to old programming or a product.

 

“It’s time to sunset that widget, there are much cooler ones on the market today.”

 

Props to Lisa M. for the submission.

 

0
-5

  
+1
0

  

Swim Lanes

& filed under .

 

(1).  During a systems integration, areas where the old and new technology can easily (read: cheaply) be linked.

 

“Okay, so I’m sure we’ll be able to identify some swim lanes when we’re drawing up the functional spec for the custody conversion project.”

 

0
-5

  
+1
0

  

Swivel Chair

& filed under .

 

(1).  To immediately process and hand something off.

 

“The data will be swivel chaired into the ASYLUM management tool.  Boy, we really need to start coming up with better acronyms for our applications…”

 

Props to Kyle B. for the submission.

 

0
-5

  
+1
0

  

The Internet Of Things

& filed under .

 

(1).  A term coined by Kevin Ashton in 2009 that speaks to the concept of machines talking to machines and learning our habits so that less waste and loss is created.  While this is a great idea in theory, it’s basically saying that one day refrigerators, toasters, televisions, etc. will eventually revolt against the human race and take over the world.  I don’t know about you, but I have no problem opening my refrigerator, seeing I am out of eggs, and then going to the store to restock said eggs.

 

(2).  Skynet.

 

“Hey Steve, you hear about this Internet of Things stuff?  Google’s acquisition of Nest is going to change the way we talk to our devices!  Everything is going to be connected and I’ll never run out of toilet paper again!  What?  So the device has to be connected to the internet?  Hmm…there has to be a company somewhere in Japan that has an internet-enabled toilet.  Ok, we’re going off the rails a bit here, but once I find or invent that toilet, life is gonna be great!”

 

0
-5

  
+3
0