Band Aid

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(1). A term used by developers to describe a quick and temporary fix for a problem on a website.  While the plan is to only have this quick fix up for a few days until the problem can be permanently corrected, it usually remains in place for years and well beyond the tenure of the developer who originally installed it.

 

“Hey Scott, what can we do about those images not rendering correctly on the site?”

“I’ll have to look into it but I can put a band aid on it for now so that the site functions correctly.”

FAST FORWARD 6 YEARS

“Yea I don’t know this guy Scott who worked here a few years back said he was working on it…images still don’t render correctly.”

 

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Black Hat

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(1).  Shady Internet optimization practices usually performed by nondescript people in Russia, India, Romania, Slovenia, etc….really any country that ends in “ia” applies here.

 

(2).  Manipulating search engine results by obtaining links from porn sites and gambling sites…or porn sites you can gamble on.

 

Black hat, white hat…is all the same as long as you get page one of Google result pages.  Have you been on the Ebay lately?  I see missile silo for sale, crazy things!  I update on the Facebook now!

 

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Cross Training

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(1).  A term used by companies to trick employees into doing two or more jobs for no extra pay.

 

(2).  A ruse companies use to give employees a sense that they are adding value to their resumes by learning a new skill when in actuality they are filling in for an employee who just quit until a replacement can be found.

 

“Hey Pat, now that Justin is gone we think it would be a great time for you be sit in on some cross-training sessions for paid search. The more you learn the better, right?”

 

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Go Live

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(1).  IT or Ops term for releasing a new software program or application, intended to create a sense of accomplishment among programmers and processors for a systems-enhancement that will likely go unnoticed.

 

“We’re planning to go live with the new intranet homepage over the weekend.  Great job, everyone!  Now our employees will have a slightly nicer-looking webpage to jump to ESPN.com from every morning!”

 

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Go Live Date

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(1). An artificial deadline for an IT or Ops project to be completed, generally ignored by staff and management alike.  The “go live date” may actually occur anywhere between two weeks and three years from the original, stated timeframe.

 

“Hey Tom, what’s the go live date for that new client dashboard the neck beards are working on?  I think when we told the higher ups December, they thought we meant of this year!  Can you believe that?  That’s only 11 months away!  We gotta buy more time.”

 

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Hero Space

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(1). The portion of a website that companies usually flood with scrolling pictures of happy people and inspirational testimonials about their products. It is usually used to portray themselves as warm and caring, when they most likely are anything but.

 

“You know what we need in the hero space, John?  More pictures of people in suits succeeding!  And….and….whales breaching the water!  Nothing says “buy our pharmaceutical supplies” like whales breaching!

 

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Jedi

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(1).  A word that compares an individual who excels in their particular field to Luke Skywalker, Yoda, and that other guy Samuel L. Jackson played in the awful Star Wars prequels.

 

“Pat here is our resident SEO jedi and by far the best option to achieve your websites organic goals.  So these other guys aren’t the agency you’re looking for, move along.”

 

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KPI

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(1).  Stands for “key performance indicator”, which is something that call center in Bangalore points to every time you start complaining about their bill.

 

“As you can see from Slide 8 of the deck, our KPIs in GUI maintenance are right on par with our SLA.  Any questions?”

 

Props to KGH for the submission.

 

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Launch

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(1). n – The release of a new product, service offering or application, intended to get empolyees excited about something that likely has no impact on them whatsoever.

 

(2). v – To release a new product, service offering or application.  The term is most often used by IT to allow employees to pretend the application they created (which likely will be used to improve the company’s email inbox capacity) has contributed to the launch of the Starship Enterprise.

 

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Launch Party

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(1). An event that coincides with the launch of a particular product or service.  While usually occurring weeks, if not months after said launch, it is a great reason to get drunk on the company’s dime and prepare for the inevitable downsizing of the development team.

 

“Hey everyone, we are having the launch party at Jamesons on 2nd.  Mark, Joel and Melissa you guys should totally come!  You were crucial to the development and it would be a great networking opportunity for all of you.”

 

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Low-Hanging Fruit

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(1).  A euphemism for a low-quality class of prospective clients that the firm believes will be easy to “pick off”.  The term is usually used during strategy meetings in which management announces its decision to focus its marketing efforts on higher volume (as opposed to quality of clients) in order to meet its revenue goals.

 

“Okay team, this year we’re going to focus on the low-hanging fruit out there.  How do we do it?  VOLUME!  That’s how we do it!”

 

(2).  A term that describes “easy wins” used by salesmen to give prospective clients a sense of euphoria that you and only you hold the keys to their success.  After the contract is signed, the salesman will then exit the relationship, forever.

 

“What we’ll do first is go after the low-hanging fruit to give you a leg up on your competition.  Once that process is complete, your account manager will explain the plan going forward.”

 

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Migration

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(1).  A word used to compare when a website switches servers, IP addresses or ports information from an old version to a new version, to the graceful Barn Swallow migrating south for the winter.

 

(2).  A process that is done incorrectly 99% of the time and rarely worth the time, effort and money it was supposed to save.

 

“Hey Tracy, I noticed that since the migration sales have been slumping. did we flip the switch too soon?  How come you didn’t warn us this may happen?  I really don’t appreciate that kind of language, Tracy.”

 

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Neuman’d

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(1).  The process of creating slides for a deck with thoughtful insights, observations and recommendations, only to be passed over at the last minute in the meeting (which you put a suit on for) in favor of more important and relevant dependencies.

 

“Well, Dave got neuman’d again.”

 

Props to the department managers at Prime Visibility, and to anyone else who has ever cut Dave off in a presentation.

 

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Optimize

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(1).  What your digital agency says they are doing on a month to month basis.

 

“The SEO team’s on-going optimizations are really starting to support the SEM team’s optimized landing pages which assist the Social Media team’s plan to optimize your site’s experience….get it?

 

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SEO

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(1).  (v) – The mysterious art of blending the right amount of keywords with the right amount of content so that Google will rank your website highly in the SERP’s.  It is truly the definition of tedium.

 

(2).  (n) – A very sad, misunderstood individual that Matt Cutts keeps picking on.

 

(3).  India’s chief export.

 

“Does anybody know what this SEO thing is?  All I got from that presentation was some crap about keywords, meta tags and Google.  And why did that guy keep saying, “Content is king”?”

 

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SERP

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(1).  An acronym for Search Engine Result Page that hip SEO’s use to make their tedious job sound cool. (it’s not)

 

“So you want to rank for the term “butter”.  Hmm, I’m not going to lie to you guys, there’s a lot of competition in the SERP’s for that one.  How about, “salty butter”.  That has a nice ring to it.”

 

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Silver Surfer

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(1).  An elderly man or woman who uses the Internet to do anything a normal, youthful person would do.  Ya know, like use Bing.  Old people love Bing….and Internet Explorer, remember that?  Microsoft may have a few things to look into…

 

“Us older gentlemen call ourselves ‘silver surfers‘ when we look for pornography on the Internet.  Makes it sound more distinguished.”

 

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Smoking Gun

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(1).  A term used to identify the cause of a major problem a company is currently experiencing.  While this metaphoric firearm and the silver bullet that can remedy the situation rarely exist, business owners seem to love the chase.  In all honesty, the problem is usually due a pile of guns that the business owner has accumulated from years and years of poor business decisions.

 

(2).  In internet marketing, this terms is usually associated with a business owner looking for the cause of a massive drop in organic traffic due to one of Google’s jackass algorithm updates.  Thanks Matt Cutts.

 

“Sean, I’m just looking for the smoking gun in this situation.  I don’t understand why linking to all of these gambling and porn sites is such a bad thing.  Lot’s of people go to them, hell, I was just on one before this meeting.  That’s a strong handshake you have by the way.”

 

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Thought Leader

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(1).  A corporate shill who incessantly spouts the company line and is always sickeningly positive about everything.  He will be your boss within eighteen months.

 

“Just look at Paul over there!  He’s a real thought leader here at the firm.  Always looking for ways to find efficiencies and cost-cutting solutions.  Come to think of it, almost all of his solutions involve consolidating roles…in him…hmmm…”

 

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Turbo Charge

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(1).  Term used to sell a super-expensive yet totally useless idea to a client.

 

“We’re gonna turbo charge your pet food campaign by live-casting happy marmots dancing on the moon on your custom YouTube channel!  You know…the Internet loves funny animals nowadays….”

 

Props to Laurent P. for the submission.

 

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Up-Charge

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(1).  To bill separately for additional services that some competitors may provide free of charge.  These fees are generally intended to cover the costs of unnecessary business units (see nice-to-have) whose services can easily be removed from the firm’s offering in a down year and are often waived anyway.

 

“Everybody, we’re going to start up-charging our clients a technology fee.  If anyone asks, just tell them we needed to invest in new technology to make sure their campaign ran at an optimal level.  Gold mine.”

 

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Value Add

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(1).  An indeterminate skill or service that is generally considered unimportant or extraneous.  Members of unnecessary business units (see nice-to-have) often use the term to justify to management that the service they provide is vital to the company.  Value Adds are often difficult to identify and explain, and may provide management with an excuse to liquidate the business unit altogether.

 

“We need to show the client the value adds we’re bringing to the table here.  How else are we going to justify the ridiculous fee we just quoted?”

 

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Web Properties

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(1). A fancier way for companies to describe their websites, which usually are anything but fancy.

 

“Gentleman we need to discuss updating our web properties.  I don’t think it is in the company’s best interest to have that dancing baby on there anymore.  Feels like we are going for a cheap laugh…although it is a good one…ya know what?  Let’s keep it up there.”

 

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Webmaster

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(1).  An individual who acts as the gatekeeper to maintaining and editing a particular website.  While virtually impossible to get a hold of, most webmasters usually leave a “Contact the Webmaster” link in the footer of a website that opens an email to the vague “webmaster@” address to toy with the outside world.

 

“Who’s the webmaster for our website?  Can we get them on the phone?  I’ve sent this person 20 emails and haven’t heard a thing.  I’m starting to believe they don’t even exist!”

 

(2).  A 40-year old man who lives in his parents’ basement and maintains a blog about comic books and D&D.

 

“I am Lothar of the Hillpeople!  The webmaster from the great beyond!  Fear the verbal wrath of my blogspot!  Mwa-ha-ha-ha!”

 

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White Hat

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(1). A term describing best practices for SEO professionals that correctly (and honestly) manipulate search engines so that their client’s sites show up above Wikipedia entries.

 

“Our firm uses white hat practices for our SEO efforts.  No, you won’t get links from any porn sites or gambling sites.  No, no porn sites you can gamble on either.” (see: Black Hat)

 

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YouTube Sensation

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(1). An unemployed individual who dedicates most, if not all, of their free time to making YouTube videos of their cat doing adorable things instead of seeking gainful employment.

 

“Sir, the problem here is that while you may be a YouTube sensation, you cannot pay your phone bill with adorable cat videos.  No, you can’t pay it with hypothetical dollars either.”

 

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