Fee Relief

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(1).  An forced acknowledgement by one of your vendors that they’ve been gouging you for years.  They’ll give you a little discount to promote the strong inertia pulling you to stay with them for at least one more year of excellent service!

 

“Sure, Rita … we’ll take a look at our engagement to see if we can find you a little fee relief.  I have to say, though, we’re operating at breakeven as it is, so ….”

 

Feedback

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(1). A general term used to describe both positive and negative comments, often during performance reviews.  As with actual feedback, the comments are usually painful to hear and often result in headaches.

 

Fingerprints

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(1).  Hidden, yet obvious, indications that you had something to do with this, you lousy, conniving ….

 

“Yeah, well … this report may have Mike’s name on it, but it has Andy’s fingerprints all over it!”

 

Fire Drill

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(1). A last minute scramble to deal with an artificially-created emergency, usually occurring at approximately four o’clock on a Friday afternoon and whose successful completion results in zero thanks and several missed trains.

 

Fiscal Cliff

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(1).  The metaphorical Thelma and Louise ending to 2012, when Congress will absolutely fail to address all of the wacky sunset provisions they enacted in order to get through the November elections.

 

“We’re heading for a fiscal cliff in December, and you all know it!  And what are we going to do about it, Senators?  Well, I don’t know about you, but I vote for a recess!”

 

Flight Plan

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(1).  The list of clients being off-boarded after you fire that lousy third-party service provider of yours.

 

“So, Vish, it looks like we have about 400 accounts we’ll need to include in the flight plan.  Given the level of service we ‘ve been getting for the last couple of years, I’m thinking no termination fee.  Your thoughts?”

 

Floor Acceptance

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(1).  The concurrence of all of the guys in Tech about some new enhancement you want to build, followed by the immediate return to World of Warcraft.

 

“Let me just socialize this around the office to gain a little floor acceptance and then I think we should be good to go.”

 

Fly-By

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(1).  A term used to describe a senior manager’s brief attendance at a client meeting in hopes of sufficiently impressing the client so that they stay with the company for at least another year.

 

“I’m going to take a leak, do a fly-by for the meeting with Jonathan, then it’s off to Cabo!”

 

Former Life

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(1).  A euphemism for “my old job” used by people trying to make it look like they have way more experience than they really do.

 

“In my former life, I used to manage a team responsible for lavatory paper management.  It was a lot of responsibility, but I think I handled the pressures of leadership fairly well.”

 

Four-Legged Call

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(1). Idiotic expression used to describe a sales call where an account exec is accompanied by his/her manager or other “expert”.

 

“So, Kyle brought a guy from the fixed income team with him this morning to talk about munis.  I guess he thought he needed to have a four-legged call to land the account.”

 

Props to Mike J. for the submission.

 

Fourth of July

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(1).  The annual celebration of the United States’ independence from its doddering, old father, England.  It’s also the day when your neighbor gets to (once again) try to blow his hand off by shooting off insanely illegal fireworks in what seems to be the general direction of your house.

 

“Hey, Tom.  I’m going to try to bug out at one o’clock today.  Want to beat the traffic out of the city, if I can,  Oh, before you leave, could you put together that P and L report for the board and circulate it to everyone?  Shouldn’t take more than five or six hours, I would think.  Happy Fourth of July!”

 

Friendly Reminder

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(1). A term used by upper management to politely tell employees that their work is late and/or not up to par.

 

“Just a friendly reminder that your time sheets are due on the end of each week and that it is NOT ok to mark any time as “miscellaneous”.  We’re all looking at you Matt.

 

Front Office

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(1).  The client-facing employees in your company (a.k.a. the guys making all the money).

 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa…there’s no way Ops is going to push some kind of data entry project on the front office.  You tell those guys to stop playing World of Warcraft in the office and start typing!”

 

Game-Time Decision

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(1).  A last minute decision made by someone who can’t commit to anything in advance.

 

“Drinks after work?  Hmm…I’ll have to make it a game-time decision.  Might have a couple of emails to send out today…”

 

Gatekeeper

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(1).  The individual on a project that holds the key to getting everything done on time and on budget.  Unfortunately, this never happens due to this person being completely inept, much like LouisTully.

 

(2).  Dana Barrett

 

“Are you the gatekeeper?”

 

“No, Thomas the Manager is. He will come in one of the company approved, pre-chosen forms. Once at a company outing, the manager came as a large and moving Consultant! Then, during quarterly reviews, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant D-Bag! Many peons and part-timers knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of HR that day, I can tell you!”

 

Geofocus

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(1).  Your assigned region of coverage.  You know … what they used to just call your “territory”.

 

“Mike, we’d like your geofocus to be the southeast corner of Lincoln and Barrett.  That falafel guy’s been creeping into the area and we need to remind everyone that’s still gyro country!”

 

Props to Matthew for the submission!

 

Ghost Story

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(1).  An obscure legal penalty that has no real possibility of being imposed, but that lawyers like to bring up to scare their clients into hiring them to do more legal work.

 

“Don’t listen to Maureen, Patty.  She just likes telling ghost stories.  There’s no way anyone’s ever going to sue us over our use of the word ‘fee’ in our fee schedule.  It’s a fee schedule!  What else are we supposed to call it!”

 

Go Live Date

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(1). An artificial deadline for an IT or Ops project to be completed, generally ignored by staff and management alike.  The “go live date” may actually occur anywhere between two weeks and three years from the original, stated timeframe.

 

“Hey Tom, what’s the go live date for that new client dashboard the neck beards are working on?  I think when we told the higher ups December, they thought we meant of this year!  Can you believe that?  That’s only 11 months away!  We gotta buy more time.”

 

Go-Forward Basis

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(1).  The time period for which you are going to correct that egregious accounting error your new associate just discovered.

 

“Thanks for pointing this issue out to us, Caitlin.  Even though this has clearly been a problem for years, I think it’s best that we adjust our practice on a go-forward basis.”

 

Going Concern

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(1).  A successfully operating business or a problem with your plumbing.

 

“Look, Stan…this business is a going concern now.  We can’t just close the office every time you need to go to Staples.”

 

Props to A3 for the submission.

 

Golden Shackles

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(1).  When your company gives you just enough money to make you think twice about leaving.  Most situations involve some kind of deferred compensation that never seems to vest.

 

“God, I hate this place!  But what am I going to do?  They put the golden shackles on me again this year and I don’t see anyone matching it anywhere else…”

 

Golden Springboard

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(1).  Using the huge company you work for’s reputation to get a big job at a lesser firm.  Your interviews generally include phrases like “more advancement potential” and “looking to expand my horizons” or some other euphemism for “because I’m never getting promoted here ever”.

 

“I’m totally gonna use this place as the golden springboard to big bucks at some start up somewhere.  I just don’t think I’m able to really spread my wings here anymore.”

 

Golden Ticket

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(1). A term used to describe a magical pass to a company’s wealth, longevity and success that is usually reserved for upper management.

 

Gravy

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(1). Anything that is deemed valuable or profitable after the original goals of a campaign are met.

 

“Heck, we already met our goals for this campaign, any extra personal information we get and can sell to a third party is just gravy!”

 

Graybar University

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(1).  Where Jeffrey Skilling and Bernie Madoff now go to school.

 

“Hey, Gil … you should probably stop telling people at the bar that our returns are going to be down next quarter.  I’m pretty sure that’s a one-way ticket to Graybar University for a CEO ….”

 

Props to Tim P. for the submission.

 

Grayhair

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(1).  The person on your team that you parade in front of clients to make them feel more comfortable that you all have actual experience.

 

“Let’s get Dan in on the meeting next week.  I think having a grayhair in the room will give our pitch a little more gravitas.”

 

Hand-To-Hand Combat

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(1).  When you sit down with a stockbroker to see if you can glom onto his book of business (or … ahem! … “look for potential synergies“).

 

“So, I went through a little hand-to-hand combat with Ken and I think we were able to identify a couple of accounts where we could be helpful.  He wants us to do it at no charge, of course, which may be a bit of a challenge.”

 

Hand-To-Hand Combat

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(1).  When you sit down with a broker one-on-one to go through their book to see if there are any business opportunities … for you.

 

“So, it was a good trip … attended the weekly office meeting … did a little hand-to-hand combat with some of the advisors … identified one or two opportunities they’re going to think about considering possibly exploring further.”

 

Hard Block

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(1).  Something you build into the system to prevent those morons in the business from bringing down the company by punching the wrong keys.

 

“Oh, don’t worry about that … we’ve put a hard block on changing those kinds of account parameters.  Just make sure your people don’t try to hit the ‘any’ key.”

 

Hard Stop

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(1).  A time at which a participant in a conference call or meeting needs to leave, usually due to dinner reservations or a tee time.

 

“We’ve got a hard stop at 11, team, it’s Bagel Friday!”

 

Headcount

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(1).  That anxiety-inducing term every department faces at comp time.  Will it go up?  Will it go down?  Did we hit our numbers?  Where am I on the performance chart this year?  Yikes!

 

“So, team, unfortunately, it looks like we’re going to have to reduce headcount this year by at least two.  The good news is, no one likes Larry and Monica, so they’re out.  The bad news is … Larry, Monica, can you please see my in my office after this meeting?  Thanks a bunch.”

 

Heavy Lift

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(1).  Something “the business” needs that’s going to be difficult (read: expensive) to code.

 

“Yeah, we may need to include that requirement in a later release.  It’s a bit of a heavy lift for the team and might impact the project timeline.”

 

Hero Space

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(1). The portion of a website that companies usually flood with scrolling pictures of happy people and inspirational testimonials about their products. It is usually used to portray themselves as warm and caring, when they most likely are anything but.

 

“You know what we need in the hero space, John?  More pictures of people in suits succeeding!  And….and….whales breaching the water!  Nothing says “buy our pharmaceutical supplies” like whales breaching!

 

High Fives

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(1).  Acts of public self-congratulation among co-workers, often after being notified of an increase in compensation, and almost always in front of people who did not share in that increase.

 

“Oh sure, while those guys are giving each other high fives over in Sales, we’re stuck here in Accounting doing the real work!”

 

Hold-Your-Nose Vote

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(1).  A vote to pass a bill that you, Congressman, don’t like, but that your weak, weak party leaders are forcing you to support (or else they’ll take away your chairmanship of the House Parking Spot Committee).

 

“Well, Joe…I consider this one a hold-your-nose vote.  Something don’t smell right in Washington, and this time it’s not Joe Biden’s vodka breath!  Wait…are we live?”

 

Holding Pattern

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(1).  An aviation-inspired term indicating nothing is happening with a prospective client.  No calls, no messages, no nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  Zilch.

 

“Hey boss.  Yeah, the Jenson account…umm…we’re in a bit of a holding pattern right now on that, so…last time I called them?  Umm, well, uhh…”

 

Home Run

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(1). A baseball term used to describe a result that has exceeded expectations, usually used when patting oneself on the back.

 

Housekeeping Item

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(1).  Something that needs to be done that absolutely no one cares about.

 

“Hey, Rick…just got a little housekeeping item for you…we’re going to be sending you a couple of forms to sign…nothing important…new fee schedule…just feel free to sign and send it back when you get a chance…”

 

Huddle Meeting

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(1).  Yet another term for a team meeting, named as such to make it sound more cuddly and team building.  Really just another opportunity to throw stats and numbers at you.

 

“Hey guys, so we’ve got our huddle meeting in a few minutes, but wanted to give you all a preview of what we’ll be discussing.  Basically, we want revenue to go up and expenses to go down.  Hope that’ll help you frame your questions.”

 

Props to Michael for the submission.

 

Hump Day

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(1).  A term that compares Wednesdays to two teenagers dry humping each other on the dance floor at a sweet sixteen to UB40’s “Red, Red Wine”.

 

(2).  A term used by lonely, single office clerks who usually display troll dolls, pictures of their dog and an easy button, to signify that it’s the middle of the week, the weekend is almost here, and that they can’t wait to “tear up the shore” this weekend with their girls.

 

“Happy hump day everyone!  OMG I can’t believe it’s Wednesday already, weekend’s almost here!!  I am going to get so drunk this weekend down at the shore, like totally destroyed.  Maybe I’ll meet someone this weekend.  OMG maybe I’ll meet Pauly D!!”

 

Hurricane Sandy

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(1).  A fierce windstorm that caused millions of dollars of damage to the New York metro area.

 

(2).  A wonderful excuse used by workers for weeks and weeks to justify leaving work early, working from home, not getting back to people, etc. etc.

 

(3).  An excuse used by gag website creators for the delay in getting their fans’ submissions up on the site.

 

“Hey, George…yeah, sorry about not getting back to you last week…Hurricane Sandy really did a number on us here…yeah, I should be able to get it done this week…probably…”

 

Hybrid Approach

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(1).  In marketing, a way to describe your expertise in an area in which you have no expertise.

 

“We like to take more of a hybrid approach with this type of engagement.  We’ll be leveraging several strategic partners to assist our team here with the management of your account.  While those providers will bill you separately, we feel this combination will bring to bear the best in class level of service you are looking for.”

 

Institutional Arrogance

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(1).  When management thinks they are smarter than everyone else, including their regulators.

 

(2).  When management thinks they can simply manage their way out of anything.

 

“Well, Ken…I think there’s a little institutional arrogance coming out of the executive office on this Reg. W thing.  If it were me, I probably wouldn’t have opened the meeting by calling the Fed examiners a bunch of pencil-pushing bureaucrats.  But, that’s just me.”

 

Props to Tim P. for the submission.

 

Irons In The Fire

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(1). An expression used by unemployed workers when speaking with former colleagues or in-laws to indicate that you are entertaining multiple job opportunities, when in reality, you have just been submitting your resume to postings on monster.