SEO

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(1).  (v) – The mysterious art of blending the right amount of keywords with the right amount of content so that Google will rank your website highly in the SERP’s.  It is truly the definition of tedium.

 

(2).  (n) – A very sad, misunderstood individual that Matt Cutts keeps picking on.

 

(3).  India’s chief export.

 

“Does anybody know what this SEO thing is?  All I got from that presentation was some crap about keywords, meta tags and Google.  And why did that guy keep saying, “Content is king”?”

 

Serial Entrepreneur

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(1).  An unbalanced individual who cannot stop themselves from starting multiple businesses, no matter how successful (or more likely, unsuccessful) they turn out to be.  It’s very similar to how Patrick Bateman cannot stop himself from killing people and doing sit-ups.

 

“I’m somewhat of a serial entrepreneur.  My new venture is an upscale restaurant in midtown.  Dorsia?  No, it’s not like Dorsia.  Nobody goes there anymore.”

 

SERP

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(1).  An acronym for Search Engine Result Page that hip SEO’s use to make their tedious job sound cool. (it’s not)

 

“So you want to rank for the term “butter”.  Hmm, I’m not going to lie to you guys, there’s a lot of competition in the SERP’s for that one.  How about, “salty butter”.  That has a nice ring to it.”

 

Share of Wallet

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(1).  In finance, a term used to describe client assets currently managed by the firm.  Usually used during sales staff meetings to encourage employees to get their existing clients to increase the size of their relationship with the firm, often through cross-pollination.

 

Sharks in the Water

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(1).  The other brokers out there trying to woo your clients away from you.

 

“Look, Mike…we need to be picture perfect on this transaction.  There are sharks in the water circling around this client and I want to make sure we don’t give them an excuse to jump ship.”

 

Shooting Star

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(1).  Someone who was involved with a client for such a short time their absence won’t be noticed.  In other words, fire away!

 

“Hey Mike, what’s up?  Susan’s leaving the firm?  That’s too bad.  How do I want to tell the client?  Well … I mean … Susan was more of a shooting star in the relationship, so I’m not sure we need to say anything.”

 

Short-Fuse Project

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(1).  An enhancement that needs to be rolled out right away because somebody important says its important.

 

“Okay, team.  We’ve got a short-fuse project that just came down from management.  Now, I know it’s Christmas Eve, but the boss forgot to set his out of office before leaving for Cabo, and it’s our job to get it updated before his wife figures out where he is.”

 

Silent Partner

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(1). A mysterious individual, usually masked, who invests in a business but remains behind the scenes in order to protect their identity. This is usually because:

 

(a). They do not want to be associated with the product or service if it fails.

 

(b). They do not want to be bothered with the day to day operations of said business.

 

(c). They just want to be the “money guy” and make it rain.

 

(d). It is their brother-in-law’s “business” and their sister really needs the money.

 

(2). Batman.

 

“Hey Jesse, I got this new business idea and I’m gonna let you get in on the ground floor. It’s totally legit and you can be my silent partner. Ok, just close your eyes and think of this, “fireworks”. I can make them in my basement and no one else in New York sells em….it’s foolproof!

 

Silver Bullet

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(1).  A metaphoric ammunition that CEO’s, managers, and business owners alike believe can rectify a major issue a company is currently experiencing.

 

(2).  In their physical form, silver bullets are commonly used to eliminate werewolves….which are totally real.

 

“Ok, so we found the smoking gun and now we just need to find the silver bullet to fix it so we can all put this whole thing behind us.  I swear to God, this is the last time I listen to that janitor down on the third floor who moonlights as a psychic.”

 

Silver Surfer

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(1).  An elderly man or woman who uses the Internet to do anything a normal, youthful person would do.  Ya know, like use Bing.  Old people love Bing….and Internet Explorer, remember that?  Microsoft may have a few things to look into…

 

“Us older gentlemen call ourselves ‘silver surfers‘ when we look for pornography on the Internet.  Makes it sound more distinguished.”

 

Sleep-Well Money

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(1). Funds placed in relatively safe, income-oriented investments, intended to convince a conservative-minded client  to invest other money in much more risky (read: expensive) investment than they otherwise would.

 

SME

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(1). (pronounced “smee”) – Subject-matter expert; used by information technology trainers to denote users who already know how to use the program for which the training is being given, identifiable by their eyes constantly drifting to their blackberries or the low-cut blouse worn by the woman sitting next to them.

 

Smear Campaign

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(1).  Negative ads and rhetoric designed to focus everyone’s attention on some insignificant detail of a candidate’s past (and away from his opponent’s lack of qualifications).  So, in other words, every campaign ever.

 

“This is ridiculous!  It’s just a blatant smear campaign by the Senator in an attempt to make it look like I cheat on my wife.  It’s disgraceful!  I only cheated on my wife that one time…last week…with my secretary…in my kid’s room.”

 

Smoking Gun

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(1).  A term used to identify the cause of a major problem a company is currently experiencing.  While this metaphoric firearm and the silver bullet that can remedy the situation rarely exist, business owners seem to love the chase.  In all honesty, the problem is usually due a pile of guns that the business owner has accumulated from years and years of poor business decisions.

 

(2).  In internet marketing, this terms is usually associated with a business owner looking for the cause of a massive drop in organic traffic due to one of Google’s jackass algorithm updates.  Thanks Matt Cutts.

 

“Sean, I’m just looking for the smoking gun in this situation.  I don’t understand why linking to all of these gambling and porn sites is such a bad thing.  Lot’s of people go to them, hell, I was just on one before this meeting.  That’s a strong handshake you have by the way.”

 

SneakerNet

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(1).  The place where you go out to meet with someone in person instead of emailing or texting them over that new “World Wide Web” contraption.  Smiley-face emoticon!

 

“Look, we’re not like other firms that’ll just send you an email once in a while.  We believe in the SneakerNet, and we’re more than happy to meet with you anytime, anywhere … so long as you do at least $5 million with us, otherwise, it’s once-in-a-while emails for you.”

 

Soft Issues

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(1). In finance, a term used to describe non-financial client  services (e.g. Advising on family matters, concierge services, etc.) most of which are provided generally without compensation.

 

Space

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(1).  A segment of a certain market or industry.

 

“Since we’re looking to penetrate the ultra-high net worth space, I think we might want to stop giving out toasters to new customers.  Oh, and we should stop calling them ‘customers’.”

 

Spin Room

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(1).  The cave where campaign managers sleep before emerging to feast on America’s cable-news reporters.

 

“Okay, let’s take it down to the spin room where David Axelrod is busy spiking everyone’s drinks with PCP before giving us his take on tonight’s debate.”

 

Squish Factor

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(1).  A certain amount of flexibility in your financials.

 

“Yes, the numbers are looking good so far this year.  Of course, that “Projected Estimable Receivables” balance provides us with a fairly healthy squish factor in case any of the board members starts asking questions.”

 

Squishy Number

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(1).  A dollar amount that just may be subject to considerable interpretation.

 

“Yeah…I know he said he was worth a billion dollars, but I think that’s a bit of a squishy number.  We might want to make that ‘b’ an ‘m’.”

 

Staycation

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(1).  Taking time off of work and just sitting in your house or (more likely) your apartment, instead of actually going somewhere.  This is usually due to your lack of motivation, lack of money, or (again, more likely) lack of friends.

 

(2).  When you take time off of work, stay at home, and try to convince yourself you’re happy to have the “quiet time at home”, when in reality, you are just too broke to go anywhere worthwhile.

 

“Yea I’m really looking forward to next week.  Got myself a little staycation.  Gonna catch up on the ol’ DVR, read a book, maybe even order out a few times!  I dunno, the possibilities are endless!”

 

Steak Lunch

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(1). A reward for reaching a client’s goals which is usually a gift certificate to your local Olive Garden or Applebees.  While you can get a steak at both of these establishments, we wouldn’t recommend it.

 

Stiff

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(1).  A term used by EMS and Fire Personnel to describe a dead body much like Chunk did in “The Goonies” to describe the dead body in the Fratellis basement freezer.

 

“It’s a stiiiiiiiiiiiiffffffff!!!!!!”

 

Props to John H. for the submission.

 

Story

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(1). A term used by salespeople in struggling business units to generally describe their service pitch to clients and intermediaries, meant to impart an endearing and almost human quality on the offering.

 

“I think we have a compelling story to tell about our expertise in the powdered milk space.  Now, let’s hit those phones!”

 

Style Drift

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(1).  When an investment manager veers slowly away from the type of investments he’s supposed to be making.  Usual result is affectionately referred to as “turnover”.

 

“Well, Mike, I think it’s safe to say you guys have experienced a little style drift lately.  Buying California municipal bonds in a Turkish equity strategy is just not really what we were looking for.”

 

Style Points

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(1).  A plus for wearing a nice suit, but often accompanied by a minus that there’s no one inside it.

 

“Well, Jeff’s dog-and-pony show may win on style points, but the fact that he wasn’t sure what the client’s name was or what business he was in might have cost him a next meeting.”

 

Summer Fridays

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(1).  A period of time between Memorial Day and Labor Day in which a company (usually a small business) closes around 3 p.m. on Fridays so the bosses can go golfing.

 

“Okay, team.  Now that we’re into Summer Fridays, I want everyone to stay until at least 7, Monday through Thursday, so we don’t lose the billable hours.  Oh, and FYI, I’ll be out for the next couple of weeks with limited access to voicemail and email.”

 

Swim Lanes

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(1).  During a systems integration, areas where the old and new technology can easily (read: cheaply) be linked.

 

“Okay, so I’m sure we’ll be able to identify some swim lanes when we’re drawing up the functional spec for the custody conversion project.”

 

T’s And C’s

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(1). An extremely douchey way to say Terms and Conditions.

 

“Hey Pauly, can you read me those t’s and c’s one more time bro?  I wanna make sure this self tanner I’m gonna endorse is on the up and up, yaknowwhaaadimean?  What?  Cabs are here?  CABS ARE HEAHHH!!!”

 

Table Stakes

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(1).  A term used to describe established, non-negotiable beliefs and practices that your firm stands for.  Not stakes that you keep on your kitchen table in case of unexpected vampire attacks.

 

“We have to throw these down as our table stakes, guys.  If they don’t like it then they’ll have to find another wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tubeman distributor.  While we certainly stand for fun, low-balling us on shipping rates is no laughing matter!”

 

Tailwind

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(1). A nautical term describing favorable conditions which should facilitate positive results.

 

Teambuilding Event

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(1).  What you call a charge on your company card for a night at a strip club with two guys from Accounting.

 

“Oh, hi Alison…the $1,000 charge on my card at Wiggles? …umm…thought I would take the troops out after work for a little teambuilding event.  Your office? …sure, I can come down to your office…”

 

Teaming Table

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(1).  A coffee table-like object in the hallway where people trapped at pods can eat their lunch or store their unread trade journals and half-eaten office birthday party cake.

 

“Hey, Jim.  Do you have a few minutes?  I have some papers laid out on the teaming table I’d like you to take a look at.  Let’s team up!”

 

Temperature Check

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(1).  A scientific experiment designed to determine how badly you’ve screwed something up.

 

“We need to take a temperature check to see how mad the customer is that we missed our deadline.”

 

Props to Terry D. for the submission.

 

Tempest In A Teapot

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(1).  Something completely overblown that’s really not a big deal at all.

 

(2).  Something Jamie Dimon really wishes he never said.

 

“Now Legal wants to get involved with this?  That’s ridiculous!  This is just a tempest in a teapot.  So what if we lost millions of client dollars by betting it all on the pass line!  That’s why they call it gambl…investing, isn’t it?!”

 

Tentacles

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(1).  What you are going to spread into every corner of your company’s operations, thereby ensuring your job security and, conceptually at least, an easy transition to your boss’s job when he retires.

 

“I’ve got my tentacles in so many things now, it’s going to be near impossible to get rid of me!”

 

The Day After Thanksgiving

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(1).  Also referred to as “Leftover Day” and/or “Hangover Day”, the national holiday commemorating the day the Pilgrims woke up at two in the afternoon (a) under a picnic table, or (b) next to some Native American chick they didn’t even remember talking to last night.

 

Americans today celebrate by (a) showing up late for work, (b) not showing up for work at all, or (c) running out of an 8 a.m. meeting to throw up.

 

Happy Turkey Day, everyone!

 

The Internet Of Things

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(1).  A term coined by Kevin Ashton in 2009 that speaks to the concept of machines talking to machines and learning our habits so that less waste and loss is created.  While this is a great idea in theory, it’s basically saying that one day refrigerators, toasters, televisions, etc. will eventually revolt against the human race and take over the world.  I don’t know about you, but I have no problem opening my refrigerator, seeing I am out of eggs, and then going to the store to restock said eggs.

 

(2).  Skynet.

 

“Hey Steve, you hear about this Internet of Things stuff?  Google’s acquisition of Nest is going to change the way we talk to our devices!  Everything is going to be connected and I’ll never run out of toilet paper again!  What?  So the device has to be connected to the internet?  Hmm…there has to be a company somewhere in Japan that has an internet-enabled toilet.  Ok, we’re going off the rails a bit here, but once I find or invent that toilet, life is gonna be great!”

 

Thought Leader

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(1).  A corporate shill who incessantly spouts the company line and is always sickeningly positive about everything.  He will be your boss within eighteen months.

 

“Just look at Paul over there!  He’s a real thought leader here at the firm.  Always looking for ways to find efficiencies and cost-cutting solutions.  Come to think of it, almost all of his solutions involve consolidating roles…in him…hmmm…”

 

Thought Process

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(1).  A frequently misused term intended, we think, to indicate there’s some real brain power behind whatever meaningless opinion you’re about to tell us.

 

“So, my thought process is this … if we move the accounting staff to the other end of the hall and the marketing department closer to my office, we should be able to maximize our potential for better-looking interns in the second quarter.”

 

Touch-Base Call

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(1).  A conference call used to accomplish something for which a three-word email would have worked just fine.

 

“Okay, sounds good…let’s just schedule a quick touch-base call next Tuesday to check up on status…I’ll send out the meeting request.”

 

 

Touchdown Station

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(1).  An office or desk the company keeps open for employees visiting from other regions.  You know, the one where you set up your hot plate and keep all of your unfiled papers.

 

“Oh, hey Jim.  In from Seattle, eh?  You can use the touchdown station over there.  And if you want something to eat, there’s a fridge under the desk with someone’s yogurt and a couple of Kit Kats from Halloween, I think.”

 

Town Hall Meeting

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(1).  A full staff meeting where employees are supposed to be able to pose questions to upper management.  They can’t.  All questions are plants.  Just keep quiet and you won’t get fired.

 

“Thank you, everyone, for dialing in today.  This town hall meeting is an important forum for all of us to talk openly and honestly about the business.  All questions should be directed to that burning oildrum behind the building.  Now, our first agenda item is ‘cost reductions’…”

 

Traction

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(1).  Used to refer to (in)ability to make progress (e.g. on an initiative or project).

 

“Team, if we stay focused on our deliverables, then maybe we can get some traction on this project.”

 

Props to Scott P. for the submission.