Train Neighbor

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(1).  Your new best friend at 6am that loves to:

 

– Tell you about their grandchildren.

– Where they’re “headin”.

– What they ate for breakfast.

– Their medical problems.

– Fall asleep on you.

– Ask you if this is the train to Penn.

– Tell you about the “big” project they’re working on.

– Make a phone call that you, and all the other riders, unwillingly participate in.

– Talk about Obama.

 

“Hey buddy, mind if I sit next to ya?  Guess we’re train neighbors for the morning.  I’ll try not to get up to use the bathroom too much, my granddaughter always does, she’s great.  I’m headin’ to New Jersey, gotta take the Amtrak.  This is the train to Penn right?  Had an omelet for breakfast, that probably wasn’t a good idea.  Got a big meeting today for this project I’ve been working on for the last year.  Man I’m tired.  Oh, hold on, I gotta take this call.  Hi Barry.  HI BARRY, I DON’T HAVE GREAT RECEPTION, I’M ON THE TRAIN.  NO, IT’S NOT A QUIET CAR.  CRAZY ABOUT THIS GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN, RIGHT?”

 

Transition

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(1). n – The process of replacing a service provider, usually used by the replacement as a polite euphemism for the sacking of the former when attempting to get information from them.

 

(2). v – To move an account from one service provider to another, usually used by the new provider during correspondence or conversations with the former in order to avoid reminding them that they have been fired.

 

Trust Officer

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(1).  A bank employee who’s not exactly a lawyer, but not exactly a broker.  He receives no commission for bringing in new business and often is required to say “no” to his clients for seemingly mundane requests.  He … oh, who cares?  Just think Jane Hathaway from The Beverly Hillbillies and you’ve got the idea.

 

“So, Eugene … you’re a trust officer … okay, so what exactly does a trust officer do … ?  Hmm … I’m not sure those skills translate to anything we are looking for right now.  Thanks for coming by, though, I’m sure you’re a valued part of the team over there at [insert bank name].”

 

Happy 500th term, CheesyCorporateLingo.com!

 

Two Guys And A Dog

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(1). Used to refer to a sales team with insufficient resources or seniority.  Often used in a self-deprecating way to refer to one’s own efforts to land new clients, while at the same time having the alternative meaning of the sales leader overcoming the insufficiencies of his organization and persisting to win new clients.

 

“We just completed the European tour.  It’s tough man, just two guys and a dog.  But we did have good traction with a couple key accounts.”

 

Props to Adam T. for the submission!

 

Uplift

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(1).  A huge, and largely cosmetic, upgrade to your current, obsolete systems.  Or in other words … money well spent!

 

“So, we are looking to roll out the platform uplift sometime in Q2.  Certain dependencies remain which may impact this timeline, including Ken over here never showing up for work.  Oh, and Ken?  Can you see me in my office after this call?”

 

Value Add

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(1).  An indeterminate skill or service that is generally considered unimportant or extraneous.  Members of unnecessary business units (see nice-to-have) often use the term to justify to management that the service they provide is vital to the company.  Value Adds are often difficult to identify and explain, and may provide management with an excuse to liquidate the business unit altogether.

 

“We need to show the client the value adds we’re bringing to the table here.  How else are we going to justify the ridiculous fee we just quoted?”

 

Value Proposition

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(1).  A term used to describe a pitch by a struggling business unit to try to explain to the firm’s sales force why they should be marketing their product or service (see value add, nice-to-have).  Value Propositions often appear desperate, but are useful in providing members of the business unit with bullet points for their resumes, which likely will need to be updated shortly.

 

“So, let me get this straight.  Your firm’s value proposition is that you’re the ‘Pluto’ of the marketing world and you’re making a comeback?”

 

Verbal Dexterity Coach

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(1).  Some senior sales guy that’s assigned to teach the new hires how to get little old ladies to unwittingly buy their crappy reverse mortgages.

 

“So, I was talking to my verbal dexterity coach today and he told me I need to beef up my emotional intelligence before they’ll let me start prospecting again.  I don’t get it … what’s wrong with handing out business cards at a funeral home?!”

 

Version Control

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(1).  Something very difficult to maintain when you keep asking fifteen people for “their thoughts” in every, stinking email you send (see too many cooks in the kitchen).

 

“So, it looks like we’re having a little problem with version control here.  I’m looking at the one marked ‘v.2 MGH’, but Tom seems to have one marked ‘v.4 JKL’.  Anyone know which one is the latest?  Maybe we should just start over?”

 

Vertical

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(1).  A term for a business-related market segment to which you focus selling your product or service.

 

“So, I’m hitting the gun show tomorrow to try to bring these babies to that vertical.  Wait…you mean they have actual guns at the gun show?  Aw, man…”

 

Props to Guy G. for the submission.

 

War Room

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(1).  Just a plain old conference room.  No guns.  No tanks.  Just phones, whiteboards, and co-workers.

 

(2).  A description given to one of your office’s conference rooms, usually the largest one, by management to imply it is only for the most important of meetings….which they are usually anything but.

 

“Ok people, we are meeting in the war room at 3:00pm for a briefing on CuteCatSweaters.com’s holiday plans.  Let’s get in there and sell some sweaters!”

 

Warm Body

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(1).  An open position you need to fill so badly, it doesn’t really matter who you get as long as you get them in soon.

 

“Look, with Aaron and Frank both quitting three weeks apart, we need to get a warm body in here to start punching keys ASAP.”

 

Warm Hold

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(1).  A way to tell a job candidate “no” without actually having to say “no”.  (WARNING: May lead to uncomfortable follow-up phone calls and emails.)

 

“Yeah, I’m not sure this guy’s firm material, you know what I mean?  Well, let’s put him on a warm hold for now and call in some other candidates.”

 

Web Properties

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(1). A fancier way for companies to describe their websites, which usually are anything but fancy.

 

“Gentleman we need to discuss updating our web properties.  I don’t think it is in the company’s best interest to have that dancing baby on there anymore.  Feels like we are going for a cheap laugh…although it is a good one…ya know what?  Let’s keep it up there.”

 

Webmaster

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(1).  An individual who acts as the gatekeeper to maintaining and editing a particular website.  While virtually impossible to get a hold of, most webmasters usually leave a “Contact the Webmaster” link in the footer of a website that opens an email to the vague “webmaster@” address to toy with the outside world.

 

“Who’s the webmaster for our website?  Can we get them on the phone?  I’ve sent this person 20 emails and haven’t heard a thing.  I’m starting to believe they don’t even exist!”

 

(2).  A 40-year old man who lives in his parents’ basement and maintains a blog about comic books and D&D.

 

“I am Lothar of the Hillpeople!  The webmaster from the great beyond!  Fear the verbal wrath of my blogspot!  Mwa-ha-ha-ha!”

 

Wet Signature

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(1).  An actual signature (with a pen).  Remember those?

 

“So, Compliance told us we need a wet signature on this document.  Gross.”

 

Whale Hunter

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(1).  That sales executive in your office that only goes after huge prospects.  His prey is elusive and his competition is intense.  Yet, if he scores just one win, his year is set.  But if he doesn’t….

 

“Who … Ron?  That guy’s a whale hunter.  He’s got, like, two multi-billion dollar prospects in the hopper right now.  If only one of them pans out … it’s right to the Maserati dealer!”

 

White Paper

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(1).  An outline of  a proposed strategy or other subject requiring in-depth explanation, usually written by multiple parties (see living document) and rarely used by anyone.

 

“Hey, Tom.  Did you happen to read my white paper on the new coffee machine for the office?  Either way, I set up a team call to discuss this Friday at 4:30.  Hope you can attend.”

 

Wiff Waff

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(1).  Seemingly endless banter back-and-forth between two people at a meeting.  With 10 other people in the room.  Sitting quietly, checking their blackberries, awkwardly waiting for it to be over.

 

“Can you believe that ridiculous wiff waff between Sharon and Jim during the 9:30 call this morning?  I think they’re sleeping together.  Do you think they’re sleeping together?  I totally think they’re sleeping together.”

 

Props to Jan for the submission.

 

Windshield Time

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(1).  Those hours spent traveling for work through states with “no cell phone” laws.

 

“Sorry, Dan…I’m going to be logging a ton of windshield time tomorrow.  Why don’t we schedule your comp discussion next week or the week after.  Thanks!”

 

Woodcock-Johnson

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(1).  Some kind of new IQ test the government makes kids take to see if they’re going to be doctors or…not doctors.

 

“My son found the Woodcock-Johnson to be a little overwhelming…I think he definitely needs to have extra time when he takes his SATs…my attorney thinks so, too.”

 

Props to Katie B. for the submission.

 

Work Husband

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(1).  The guy at work that you are currently are, or want to be, engaged in an extramarital affair with.

 

(2).  The male counterpart to a work wife.  He’s the guy in the office that you are a little too comfortable with, tell a little too much too, and the guy’s ass that you “accidentally” grab after that second cosmo.  Chill out Karen, everyone knows, and all the ladies (and possibly some guys) are jealous.

 

“Can you believe Ted and Karen?  He’s totally her work husband.  It’s not cute and they are totally sleeping together, and even if they’re not, they want to.  Why doesn’t Ted notice me?  I don’t get it.  My Facebook posts are clearly geared towards him.  Karen doesn’t post anything on her Facebook account just for him like I do.  Slut.”

 

Work Spouses

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(1).  Two co-workers who are currently engaged (or appear to be engaged) in an extramarital affair.

 

“You and Sean are totally work spouses.  Hey, weren’t you wearing that blouse yesterday?”

 

Work Wife

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(1).  The woman in the office that you currently are, or want to be, engaged in an extramarital affair with.

 

(2).  The female counterpart to a work husband.  She’s that hot new intern you just met a few months ago, or the long time colleague that you spend way too many late nights with at the office.  You tell her why your wife or girlfriend is making you unhappy, and she is that comforting force that makes everything ok.  Until you guys get caught and it’s totally not ok because you pretty much will lose everything you really care about….I mean, it’s probably worth it if its the hot new intern, but….nope totally worth it.

 

“Hey Ted, you and Karen got a little something going on over there huh?  She’s like your work wife.  By the way, I am not sure if you noticed, but Betty has been posting these weird things on Facebook that are totally geared towards you.”

 

Xanax

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(1).  What most people take after work, but what teachers take before work.  God bless our children.

 

“Ugh…I’ve got lunch duty today.   Good thing I sprinkled some Xanax into my coffee this morning…”

 

Props to V for the submission.

 

Yeoman’s Job

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(1).  A nice way of saying someone did all the crappy work needed to get a project done.

 

“Tom the Intern did a yeoman’s job getting all of our files organized this summer, so let’s all give a big hand for Tom!”

 

Yes Man

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(1).  A staff member who blindly agrees with his or her bosses in an attempt to curry favor.

 

(2).  A terrible movie starring Jim Carrey.

 

“Bryan’s such a yes man.  He agreed with Andrew that Navy Seals was a great movie.  Hey, remember Navy Seals?”

 

YouTube Sensation

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(1). An unemployed individual who dedicates most, if not all, of their free time to making YouTube videos of their cat doing adorable things instead of seeking gainful employment.

 

“Sir, the problem here is that while you may be a YouTube sensation, you cannot pay your phone bill with adorable cat videos.  No, you can’t pay it with hypothetical dollars either.”

 

Zipper Issue

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(1).  A somewhat polite (and yet overly descriptive) way to describe the reason your boss was just fired…and the reason his secretary was recently promoted to vice president.

 

“People, I wanted to let you know that Mike decided to resign as CFO yesterday…seems he had a bit of a zipper issue earlier this year that we feel may cause some reputational risk to the firm.  We’ve named Herman as his temporary replacement.  You all know Herman…he’s the guy with the hairy mole on his nose and the moobs…no risks there!”