All Americans

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(1).  The narrow slice of Americans a candidate is hoping to win over with a proposal.

 

“I care for all Americans!  And that’s why, if elected, I will guarantee income tax subsidies for producers of corn-based bicycle seat cushions right here in my home state of Illinois!”

 

Props to Terry D. for the submission.

 

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Astroturfing

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(1).  The creation of an artificial political movement by a corporation or special interest group designed to look like an actual “grass roots” movement.

 

“Occupy Wall Street?  That was just a clever bit of astroturfing by Moveon.org.  Unlike the Tea Party, which is totally legit…”

 

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Bipartisan

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(1).  A method of passing legislation by agreement of both political parties.  It is usually used to describe legislation which has failed to pass at all.

 

“We have appointed a bipartisan sub-committee to review the findings of the bipartisan special commitee on the actions of the bipartisan standing committee appointed by Congress in a bipartisan manner to investigate allegations that the bipartisan sub-committee manipulated their findings for partisan purposes.”

 

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Cross Party Lines

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(1).  When a Congressman votes with the opposing party, thereby generally spelling the end to his or her career.

 

“I crossed party lines on this issue and we got it done for the American people.  Enjoy your new federally-issued, GPS-tracking implants, America!”

 

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Fiscal Cliff

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(1).  The metaphorical Thelma and Louise ending to 2012, when Congress will absolutely fail to address all of the wacky sunset provisions they enacted in order to get through the November elections.

 

“We’re heading for a fiscal cliff in December, and you all know it!  And what are we going to do about it, Senators?  Well, I don’t know about you, but I vote for a recess!”

 

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Flip Flop

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(1).  When a political candidate changes his mind on an issue.  Because we should all be held to some stupid thing we said 20 years ago in a college paper about God or the environment.  I don’t know about you guys, but most of my college papers were written in about 45 minutes the night before it was due.  Who knows what I said?!

 

“This just goes to prove that the governor flip flops on the issues.  How can we believe anything he says when we know that in 8th grade he believed the greatest threat to our nation was the New Kids on the Block?  And now he says it’s Iran!  Incredible!”

 

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Hold-Your-Nose Vote

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(1).  A vote to pass a bill that you, Congressman, don’t like, but that your weak, weak party leaders are forcing you to support (or else they’ll take away your chairmanship of the House Parking Spot Committee).

 

“Well, Joe…I consider this one a hold-your-nose vote.  Something don’t smell right in Washington, and this time it’s not Joe Biden’s vodka breath!  Wait…are we live?”

 

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Laugh Test

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(1).  A gauge of viability of a political candidate’s proposals and/or credentials, generally employed by their opponent and the good people at MSNBC (if a Republican) or Fox News (if a Democrat).  Historically, neither candidate passes this test…ever.

 

“C’mon, David…the math behind Mitt’s budget plan doesn’t pass the laugh test!  Now, the President’s plan to spend trillions on programs you’ll never hear from again on the other hand…that’s real change you can believe in!”

 

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Pocketbook Issue

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(1).  A misogynistic term that political candidates use when addressing “women’s issues” in an attempt to appear as if they could care less about whatever “women’s issues” are.

 

“Look, let me be clear…I understand you’re frustrated with the cost of groceries…I do.  It’s a real pocketbook issue and I want you to know that I hear you.  I also want to take a moment to address the death of soap operas…I’m sorry, do you all still watch soap operas?”

 

 

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Post-Partisan

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(1).  A word intended to describe a politician’s ability to reach across the aisle and get legislation passed by consensus of both parties.  We actually have a better chance of seeing the folks at CERN figure out how to go back in time so we can vote all of these morons out of office than finding a post-partisan politician.

 

“I am my own man.  A post-partisan.  Not beholden to any political party or special interest group.  Well…other than the guys who are funding my campaign ads and stuffing all those ballot boxes for me.  I’m a little beholden to those guys.”

 

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Reach Across The Aisle

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(1).  A successful spitball attack by Congressmen against members of the opposing party.  The current score for this session on Congress is tied.

 

“I have consistently reached across the aisle on important issues to get things done on Capitol Hill.  Why, just yesterday, I reached across the aisle to ask Paul Ryan if he knew where I could find the men’s room.”

 

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Sausage Making

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(1).  The process of getting a law passed by Congress.  The law will ultimately include a multitude of irrelevant and contradictory provisions, ensuring lawyers and accountants will remain employed for years to come, which was likely the goal in the first place.

 

“What does this provision mean, anyway?  Can I veto it?  Why can’t I veto it?  I’m the President, for Christ’s sake!  Can’t we ever get something through Congress without all the sausage making?  Maybe I’ll just declare myself President for Life…can I do that?”

 

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Smear Campaign

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(1).  Negative ads and rhetoric designed to focus everyone’s attention on some insignificant detail of a candidate’s past (and away from his opponent’s lack of qualifications).  So, in other words, every campaign ever.

 

“This is ridiculous!  It’s just a blatant smear campaign by the Senator in an attempt to make it look like I cheat on my wife.  It’s disgraceful!  I only cheated on my wife that one time…last week…with my secretary…in my kid’s room.”

 

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Spin Room

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(1).  The cave where campaign managers sleep before emerging to feast on America’s cable-news reporters.

 

“Okay, let’s take it down to the spin room where David Axelrod is busy spiking everyone’s drinks with PCP before giving us his take on tonight’s debate.”

 

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Wonk

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(1).  A derogatory way to describe a politician who might actually know what he’s talking about.

 

“Well, I don’t think the Congressman is going to impress in tonight’s debate.  He’s a bit of a budget wonk and what Americans really care about is style!”

 

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