(1). Also referred to as “Leftover Day” and/or “Hangover Day”, the national holiday commemorating the day the Pilgrims woke up at two in the afternoon (a) under a picnic table, or (b) next to some Native American chick they didn’t even remember talking to last night.
Americans today celebrate by (a) showing up late for work, (b) not showing up for work at all, or (c) running out of an 8 a.m. meeting to throw up.
(1). Cinco de Mayo is a day dedicated to the commemoration of the Mexican army’s highly unanticipated victory over the French (stupid French) at the Battle of Puebla on May 5th, 1862. Of course, in the United States it is celebrated as a day of Mexican heritage pride by a bunch of non-Mexican heritage white people appropriately buying a ton of avocado’s, drinking Corona, and ordering in from Moe’s. Ole’. It is often confused with Mexico’s independence day, which is September 16th.
(2). Some also believe today is the day the first bowl of guacamole was created, but that seems somewhat racist, so we don’t support that delicious interpretation.
“Si usted puede leer esto, quesi se puede,entonces usted sabe quehe usado unaherramienta de traducciónde chabolas, entonces usted sabe que este día espaparruchastotal ysólouna razónpara que la genteirse del trabajo tempranoyse carganen un día laborable. Don‘tme malinterpreten, estoy literalmentesalir por la puertaen On The Borderen este momento,¡perotantorealistas, esta fiesta no realmentecaptura laesencia de lo quese supone que estedía paraestar a punto. Todo el mundo sabequeCincode Mayoconmemorael primer lote deguacamoleestá realizando ytodas estaspartessonuna farsacompleta. Independientemente, Feliz Cinco de Mayo!“
For funsies, feel free to copy and paste the above into Google Translate. The sentences will be fragmented, but hey, you’ll get it.